Scared my life will be over

[Rainingrae]

Hi all, my partner and I are trying for a baby after 9 years together, just married. I have just got a promotion at work that will mean so many great opportunities for me to travel and the potential to earn so much more money, boost my career etc. Opportunities that I am so excited for. The idea of having a baby now really scares me as I feel like ill be disappointing my boss and colleagues and generally missing out on all the travel plus I feel a fraud that I've secured the job then will be leaving on maternity.
I feel like I can't speak to my partner about it because his response is that it will all be worth it once the baby is here but I feel like his life won't be as affected as mine... I'll be making the sacrifices etc. I'm really down and this should be am exciting time. We are both 33 and i have the clock ticking in my head that it will probably get harder as time goes on. I'm so scared of losing out and losing all my progress / hard work in what I have achieved. It also feels incredibly selfish to have these feelings.
Had anyone else had this same feeling??

Try reading pregnant then screwed and the motherhood penalty by Joeli brearely.

Well I really enjoy my job, am quite high up and have just been offered a big promotion but am 16 weeks pregnant. it would involve me having to cut maternity leave quite short if I wanted to go for it. its been very important to discuss this with my partner, and figure out of I did take it, how life would work around it. ultimately it means in my case that baby needs to be in nursary from 9 months and my partner sharing 3 months leave. also paying for overnight nanny at times when I will need to be away. my partner needs to be very hands on , 50/50 care and household input if not more! so you need to have the conversation with your husband and make sure he is on board with just how much he will need to do to facilitate your career choice if you go for it.

I would say though that travelling for work is the worst thing about my job. that gets old really quickly. id need to be on mega bucks for it to

*for it to be worth it.

It is a valid choice to not want to become a parent. Life does change dramatically - it's no longer all about you and what you want. Personally I wouldn't be TTC when you would clearly feel resentful at the sacrifices that you would need to make. What if you have a child with additional needs?

On the flipside, it's possible for having a child to have a pretty small impact on your life. A friend of a friend was back at work the week after having the baby, and now 3 months later pays for 65hrs a week childcare plus a night nanny. It's not the way most people would do it and seems pretty unfair to bring a child into the world on those terms, but each to their own.

Surely not in the UK @coverp. It's a statutory requirement to take a minimum of two weeks' mat leave.

@Rainingrae if that's how you feel then I think you need to delay for a year or two. However, if part of the reason for getting married was to have a baby and this was agreed with your dp, there may be feelings of betrayal at stake.

For me having dc was visceral. That multipled once I met dh and wanted his children.

Don’t do it then? Nobody is making you.

In a similar situation, started TTC last
month and also started a new job.
My concern is that you seem to be on a different page to your partner - he seems a bit ‘head in the sand’ about how it will change your lives. I think you need an honest discussion about how you might manage parenthood whilst maintaining your career, travel etc. I feel like me and DH are both accepting our lives will change but seeing it as a positive.

You aren’t being selfish at all and children do change your lifestyle. But I felt so sad reading the second half of your post because you’re suggesting that working mothers shouldn’t have the same opportunities to thrive professionally. Would you think badly of a newly promoted man for having a child? No, you’d think he had it all! And why care so much about what your boss and colleagues think? These people won’t be in your life in a few years, are you really willing to sacrifice a family or your marriage for them?

You can be a great mother and still be successful. I’m more successful at work now because I’m a happier person. Sure, I’m stricter with my hours and rarely go to after work drinks anymore, but this changes anyway as you become older/more senior. And men have changed too - we both work and share the childcare responsibility, it shouldn’t fall only to the mother now.

Think about a child enhancing everything you love about your life rather than taking things away. Good luck!

OP, do you actually want a baby? Because nowhere in your post does it even hint that you do. There's no "I'm so excited but" or "I really want to be a mum but". Just a single sentence that says "it should be an exciting time". It sounds quite a bit like you think this is something you should do because it's "what people do" and what your DH wants. It's OK to not want a baby, and it's OK to not want one right now. It might just be that you've not fully explained in your post, but it honestly sounds as though you're trying for a baby that you aren't sure you want, smd as though you'd actually feel terrible if it actually happens. It might be a good idea to stop trying until you feel more positives than negatives.

I honestly wouldn't do it unless you really, really want to and if you feel ready or you're likely to regret it. Life as you know it is basically over. If your DH is willing to hugely step up that will make a big difference, so I would have a discussion now about what means. Ask some of your friends (or us!) what that should look like. I wish I had some decent advice about the reality of being a parent so I knew what I was in for. If you are independent, enjoy your work, your friends, travelling, your freedom it will be really hard, no matter how much you love your baby.

I think it is your fear. I know several colleagues who were promoted and quickly got pregnant, or even accepted overseas relocation and then got pregnant, which delayed the move by at least a year. In all these cases the employers were understanding and supportive and valued the colleague to wait for their return and adjust thereafter. But also, your age is not yet critical, you could possibly comfortably take a break from TTC for a year, It should not ruin your chances just yet. Except of course this may not go well with your DH.

I was offered a big promotion in a large corporate environment just as I was starting IVF. I told my boss about my situation and asked if he still wanted me to go for the role. He said he definitely did and wished me luck with having a baby.

After accepting the role, I had my embryos implanted on the Monday and started day one of my new job the next day. Ultimately my pregnancy was successful and my boss was delighted for me.

The point I'm making is that not all employers/recruiting managers will feel let down that would decide to have a family.

If your partner wants a baby so much then can he apply for shared parental leave and take 9 months off to look after your newborn enabling you to return to work sooner?
Men these days need to get with the programme and step up to the responsibility of becoming a parent in the modern world.
Also researching the cost of childcare locally to you may help you bring him back down to earth with a reality check.

I started freaking out few months before TTC. We decided to delay it by a couple of months (I would have waited more but I was already 37 yo). We used that time to talk about our future as parents. We set up regular meetings (one evening every fortnight) to talk about the logistics of our lives as parents, discuss parenting philosophy, start reading together parenting websites or books and discuss together what we read, start researching baby-related things, discussed the things we wanted to do before having a baby, and what activity we wanted to keep doing or not etc... Doing this reassured me about how seriously he was taking it and that he would step up, not let me do everything.

It’s a shame DP can’t see it from your point of view.

Of course he will be less affected. But don’t fight about it. Nicely mention things you will have to deal with, wonder how you will cope, let him realise what he will need to do too and also what extra you will be doing.

Depending on your life choices, it could be a few short years before you are driven and out there competing to earn for your family.

But do be ready for a change in your own outlook. Some women care about different things when they have a child. If that ends up being you then DP will definitely not be affected the same way. Tell him nicely what support you need and show him appreciation if he does it. it assuming he does it. you need him to do. He may need it spelt out.