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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner wants to move in cause I'm pregnant

25 replies

Annoo · 29/01/2023 14:05

My partner wants to move in because I'm pregnant but I don't want him to I like having my own place and having things the way they are and don't have the space to have him move in and have baby here how do you tell them you don't want to live together? We've not been together long only like 7 months

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 29/01/2023 14:06

Just say no. It doesn't work for you right now.

was it a planned pregnancy? And has any discussion been had about living together previously?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 29/01/2023 14:09

You just need to have a conversation and outline how you feel. Also do you think you’d ever want to? If you don’t be clear about that too.

SiobhanSharpe · 29/01/2023 14:10

What are his own living arrangements like?
Does he have his place?
i'd be a bit suspicious about this, especially if he still lives in a flatshare or similar.
What's he like with money?
lots of things to consider. But if you're not happy you have every right to decline his offer. 😏

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 14:11

Suggest writing a list of his 50% moving in costs.. Bills /shopping.. Do genuinely give him a list the baby wil need. And a weekly figure for Cms.
I didn't initially live with my ds's df. Wish I had kept it like that tbh.

Snowybeach · 29/01/2023 14:13

Do you have any other children?

Viviennemary · 29/01/2023 14:14

Of course if its your place you can refuse to let him move in. It will be a rejection though. Depends on what your future plans are for the relationship.

NewNameNigel · 29/01/2023 14:17

SiobhanSharpe · 29/01/2023 14:10

What are his own living arrangements like?
Does he have his place?
i'd be a bit suspicious about this, especially if he still lives in a flatshare or similar.
What's he like with money?
lots of things to consider. But if you're not happy you have every right to decline his offer. 😏

I don't think its necessarily suspicious that a man wants to move in with the woman who is carrying his child. I think it's more likely that he's trying to show he's willing to step up and be a family.

However if you're not ready op there is no reason why you have to live him. You just need to have a frank discussion about what you want out of the relationship.

MintJulia · 29/01/2023 14:18

If there isn't sufficient room for you and the baby and your DP, then say no. Point out that a one bed place isn't practical and you still need your downtime.

You want to wait until after the baby arrives and then see what space you need.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/01/2023 14:20

Just say no. You can't say yes if it's not what you want because it won't work.

PrtScn · 29/01/2023 14:46

Don’t do it. Especially after only knowing him a short time. I was with my DH 12 years when I accidentally got pregnant and if I knew what a lazy, useless, unreliable greedy slob he is I’d have never have let him move in. It really affects your mental health. It didn’t really register with me when we lived separately just what he was like as it didn’t impact me.

He has been in spare room last 4 years, he undermines my parenting as well (e.g I’ll say to DS, no you can’t have crisps before bed, but when I turn my back he gives him crisps. Basically for a quiet life lets DS do/have what he wants). I don’t trust him with DS or I’d have kicked him out years ago (He doesn’t watch him properly, last time I went out for lunch with friends I had to take DS to A&E as he’d fallen and cracked his head requiring stitches).

So yeah, go it alone for a bit until you are absolitely certain that you have an idea what he will be like and you want to actually live with him.

flabbygoldfish · 29/01/2023 14:53

Before all this starts discuss and be honest with him. Has he offered anything in terms of contributing to household/baby costs? If he is currently living with his mum be careful, he probably won't be trained to behave like a mature adult.

Ideally you would live separately, see if he pulls his weight with baby cores and essentially earns his place with you. Once you are comfortable he is able to cope with you and a baby without being a complete liability, you can look for somewhere bigger together.

Original poster
Annoo · 30/01/2023 17:26

He currently lives with his dad and step mum and if he moved in I would be completely financially dependant on him where as if he doesn't I'll still be able to work part time after maternity leave and receive my benefits as I already have a 7 year old and with it only being a short relationship so far I don't want to put myself in that position especially when I'm unsure of the relationship at this point as I tried to discuss this and be honest and open with him and he just threw it back in my face and wouldn't talk to me saying we'll it's your choice I won't see my child as much

OP posts:
rogueone · 30/01/2023 17:30

FFS 7mths and you have a 7yr old and dating a bloke still staying with his parents. No he shouldn't be moving in pregnant or not as you already have a 7yr old and should be taking to introduce new boyfriend. never mind introducing a new sibling. Good luck with it all but this bloke will keep pushing to move in as its way to get out from under his parents roof.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:31

How far along are you?

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:32

I'll still be able to work part time after maternity leave and receive my benefits

ah, therein lies the real reason. Why not just own it?

Strictly1 · 30/01/2023 17:36

I assume the baby is unplanned? A bit of a mess really. I know accidents happen but …

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2023 17:38

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 17:32

I'll still be able to work part time after maternity leave and receive my benefits

ah, therein lies the real reason. Why not just own it?

Well she has, clearly. And given the alt us losing all her benefits, not being able to afford childcare as he suddenly won't be helping with that and her stuck with a guy who oy want to move in to escape his parents, it's probably the one sensible thought she's had in all this!

RelentlessForwardProgress · 30/01/2023 17:43

Annoo · 30/01/2023 17:26

He currently lives with his dad and step mum and if he moved in I would be completely financially dependant on him where as if he doesn't I'll still be able to work part time after maternity leave and receive my benefits as I already have a 7 year old and with it only being a short relationship so far I don't want to put myself in that position especially when I'm unsure of the relationship at this point as I tried to discuss this and be honest and open with him and he just threw it back in my face and wouldn't talk to me saying we'll it's your choice I won't see my child as much

You are quite right.
Do NOT put yourself of being dependent on him and losing your independence when its a very short relationship, you hardly know him yet and you have another child to think of.
If its a dealbreaker for him, it means the accommodation was more of an attraction than the rest of the relationship, and its good that you find that out now rather than waste any more time on them.

MintJulia · 30/01/2023 18:53

You need to put your children's security before anything here, and that is best served by maintaining your independence until you are sure of this relationship.

Plus I wouldn't move a man I'm not sure about, in with a seven year old child.

If he lives close by, he can see his child as much as he likes without living you together.

Take it slowly and it will have more chance of working. Any decent partner would accept that. If he kicks off, he's more interested in the accommodation. Sorry.

Boringcookingquestion · 30/01/2023 19:03

I think it’s completely understandable that he wants to live with his baby and you can’t really blame him for that. But you have to think about what’s right for you, your existing child, and your new baby.

It might be that living separately is the best decision you can make at this point, especially for your 7 year old who can’t possibly know him that well yet. But I think it’s unreasonable not to acknowledge that he’s right, your choice does mean he’ll see his child less.

Goldpaw · 30/01/2023 19:08

Eastereggsboxedupready · 29/01/2023 14:11

Suggest writing a list of his 50% moving in costs.. Bills /shopping.. Do genuinely give him a list the baby wil need. And a weekly figure for Cms.
I didn't initially live with my ds's df. Wish I had kept it like that tbh.

The OP doesn't want him to move in. She doesn't need to write a list. All she needs to do is say no.

Sunshine2243 · 31/01/2023 08:57

Totally agree, if your gut feeling is no/unsure then the answer is a clear no.

Why isn't he already living on his own and self sustaining? If anything, he should get a big enough place of his own and move you in if he is so keen to 'step up'. The risk of losing your benefits and way of life, to satisfy the whim of a guy that could be very flakey is too risky. He should still contribute financially to you and the baby, without needing to move in. Making it into some kind of test shows he cares more about being able to move out of his family home, than being there for you and the baby.

All in all, priority is yourself, your current child and future baby. If your job and benefits cover it, no man (who should still pay to support the child) is worth messing it up for.

flabbygoldfish · 31/01/2023 14:13

He currently lives with his dad and step mum

so this is the crux of the problem. He sees it has a good excuse to move (migrate) from the house\bank of mum & dad & into yours. No independent living experience at all. His reaction when you try to talk about us shows he is still a man child & will be a burden. Do not be dependent on him….

ideally he should be looking for his own, bigger place you can move into. That would be the adult thing to do. I know quite a few married couples with dc who live separately and have their own homes. Just share when they need to.

TheHumanExperience · 31/01/2023 16:05

Pregnant in a relationship you're unsure of is already going to be tough. You won't really know him after just 7 months. If he's still at home, he's never lived independently as an adult, let alone be a father.

It's going to be a minefield either way OP.

If it's not right for you to live with someone who has only ever lived at home and had all his needs taken care of, you may be letting yourself in for looking after 2 children.

Manorbier · 31/01/2023 17:45

Difficult situation but I think it's best you are honest with him

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