Baby loss at 20+1 😞

[LilyJessie]

Hello,

Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place. It won't let me post it in the miscarriage section.

I am broken. I lost my baby boy at 20+1 weeks 9 days ago.

Please can someone out there tell me if their hormones and emotions were all over the place too?
I feel angry one minute, depressed the next, then numb, then tired. It must be so draining for my partner.
I have breast milk, contractions and I'm not sleeping. Feel like I'm going mad!
(I have supportive people around me and am aware that I will need to speak to someone for support).

Also, please can someone out there tell me any good news stories after something like this? Is there hope? Will we get our happy ending?

I just see everyone having babies. But it just doesn't happen for us. I've already lost two babies due to tfmr and their "rare" and "bad luck" diseases (neither of which are genetic). And we have been told we are both healthy and able to have children/ this shouldn't happen.

I'm just so tired of the bad news. It's been two years now of trying to have a family to call our own. And I love my two girls and one boy dearly, but I would love to watch a baby grow too.

Thank you. Xx

I haven't been through anything like you have, but I didn't want to read and run and just wanted to offer you a handhold. It must be so traumatising for you and I sincerely hope that you get the support and help that you deserve xxx

I’m sorry OP. It’s so cruel to have it end like that. I don’t have any advice but hope you get the support you need. It’s good you have people around you.

Goodness me I'm ever, ever so sorry. I cannot imagine how you must feel; I hope you can treat yourself with the kindness and care that you deserve 💐

Although I have never been through anything similar the only advice I can offer is to grieve in whatever way feels naturally to you. I know someone who lost a baby at 16 weeks and had them named and buried, but others will do different things and nothing is right or wrong. I will send warm and loving vibes and hopes for your rainbow baby if this is what you desire 💖

Just sending you a huge hug ☹️❤️ So sorry you’re going through this. I have no words of wisdom to offer but have read some really sad threads on here and have seen people go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Really hope you get all the good luck in the future. Take care of yourself 😔

I am so sorry to read about this OP. Sending moral support and big love to you.

You asked for other people's stories. My bro/ his partner lost their first pregnancy at 22 weeks and went on to have a healthy baby soon after. At round about the same time my best friend lost hers at about 21 weeks. She had a healthy baby quickly afterwards. Those dc are 8 years old now. It can and does happen.

I hope that helps or maybe just messages of support on here will boost you. All the best to you.

I am so sorry for your loss ❤️
In 2019 I lost my baby at 19 weeks, I was 39 at the time, I was/still devastated. Age was not on my side, I did have three more miscarriages and gave up, however I am currently 37 weeks pregnant at 43! I still can’t believe it but there is hope. Don’t give up but also don’t put any pressure on yourself either.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

My husband and I lost our little boy at 19+5 on boxing day having learned at a private gender scan on the 23rd that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. There were no signs or symptoms before it. He should have been our rainbow baby after an early loss in 2021 and now things feel so dark.

The last few weeks have been exhausting because of all of the different emotions I'm feeling and a long physical recovery...I had to have an emergency D&C after labour due to blood loss and retained placenta but then had bleeding for 4 weeks after, including some really severe contraction like pain and passing further tissue followed by another round of antibiotics. It's only just eased into spotting.

I was and am still desperately sad but have also felt incredibly jealous when seeing others with their babies, angry when I think about how unfair it has been combined with other rubbish things that happened to us last year and how long we tried for, guilty when I worry I have done or missed something that caused our baby to die and guilty about being off work...every hour/day brings a different emotion so what you are feeling is completely normal.

The slightest thing exhausts me at the moment. We have just had the funeral and in the lead up between planning it, GP appointments and having a support worker from a baby loss charity see us each week for counselling, I have tried to only schedule one thing a day as more than that is just too much. I haven't been sleeping well since the loss either but can't seem to manage to sleep during the day so that is adding to the tiredness.

I've spent so much time trawling forums and Facebook groups for positive stories after late losses like ours and there is hope. We are waiting for post mortem results which, can take many months at the moment and whilst I'm not sure we can wait to try until then due to my age and how long previous conception took, for now we are just trying to look after and be gentle with ourselves as we need to heal.

I hope the future brings good news for us both. Sending lots of love ❤️

❤️

@LilyJessie so incredibly sorry to hear of your loss. I've written my story on countless posts so I'm sure people are sick of reading it but thought it might bring you some comfort as it's quite similar.
I had my most recent loss at the end of September last year at 20 weeks, picked up at the anomaly scan. I delivered a little boy 2 days later, and it's changed me profoundly. I will say I lost another baby at 17 weeks in March last year too so I know exactly how you feel when you say you're lost. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant now which is so so scary, I am taking it day by day and praying it goes ok. Like you, I was tested as were both babies and my husband and absolutely nothing was found. It's so frustrating and confusing because what's to say it won't happen again at any stage?? I'm so nervous but holding on to the slightest hope that this one will go ok.
The physical recovery is unexpected and really difficult, I took milk suppressants but they didn't fully work and I still got a bit of milk in. It's really heartbreaking. And before I feel pregnant, it felt like everyone in my close circle was suddenly pregnant it's so hard to deal with. I really feel for you but just know it gets better by a tiny bit every day and everything you're feeling at the minute is completely normal. Do take your time off work, I rushed going back after 2 weeks and it was the wrong decision looking back.
I'm not sure if you've buried or cremated your baby yet, or if you're choosing that route. I will say I get great comfort from visiting my baby's grave, something I never thought would be possible. And in a strange way maybe, i feel like those babies souls will come back to me in a future baby... maybe this one.
When you're ready to talk it though try find a counsellor who has a experience in baby loss, I've found this very worthwhile x

@LilyJessie I am so so sorry for your losses. I had two early losses, pregnant in the second trimester now and honestly, if something happened, it would end me.
I can only say that you have three living children which shows your body CAN have pregnancies that lead to living children ❤️ I hope it all works out for you. The pain of loss is undescribable and it's so unfair people have to go through it.
@Snoo120190 I wish you all the best in this pregnancy and for you go get your rainbow baby ❤️

@CanCandlelightGlow
Thank you so much xxx

@cakecakeislife1234 @ThomasinaLivesHere @BCxx

Thank you so much for your kindness, it's really makes me feel a little bit of love that people who don't even know you can show such compassion Xxx

@Elsanore
Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm so sorry for the fact their journeys started with pain, but thank you for sharing their happy ending. It gives me hope. Xx

@Shaz1979 what wonderful news after such a difficult journey. Your beautiful rainbow baby is lucky to have such a brave mummy. I wish you every happiness. And this gives me hope ❤️ xxx

@blondie272203
My love ❤️
What an awful time this is for us.
I have everything crossed we both have our happy ending and our rainbow babies. My heart truly goes out to you and yours.
Positive stories after awful journeys are really helpful to me, so it's good to know you've come across so many.

Xxxxxx

@Snoo120190
Oh my love ❤️
What an awful journey so far. But wonderful news you're expecting. I am smiling and have everything crossed for you. I know how anxious / magical a time this is.
You'll be an amazing mummy with your double rainbow baby ❤️
My heart goes out to you and yours. Xxxxx

@Happinessandrainbows
I so hope one day I get to cuddle my baby in my arms and not just in my heart.
Thank you so much for your inspiring kind words. Xxx

@blondie272203
I am also so sorry and sad to read your story.
We sound like we have had a similar journey. I lost my baby as a miscarriage, but also had to have surgery.
I have felt exactly the same as what you describe, so there is some solace than my feelings at this time are "normal".
The milk for me is so hard. And I just hope the physical recovery speeds up so I can start the mental.
I wish the same for you. Xx

@LilyJessie I am so deeply sorry. I am up searching for posts like this, as I too love my lost babies so much, but feel every day the hole of wanting to know / hoping very much I will one day have a living baby. I had two losses late in the first tri, one early on, and lost my baby girl at 24 weeks to a rare chromosome issue / tfmr a year ago. Have you been on ARC? I find it helpful but I’m actually on mumsnet tonight because I feel like quite a few people who lost their babies when I did have had a new baby or are pregnant, and recurrent miscarriage plus tfmr is very hard. I can’t imagine how hard 3 second trimester losses have been for you. That’s just so gutting. Like you, I really love my babies. And like you, I keep adding to that phrase, “but I wish I could raise them and if I can’t have them, I wish I could raise one of their little brothers or sisters.” More than one, ideally. I’m 35.

More practically, what I was going to say is that I’ve decided the trauma is too much. My partner and I have had every test (all the recurrent mc / implantation / make infertility clinics etc) and come back “fine” or “excellent”. But the very best doctors I’ve talked to have said the tests can’t find everything, and especially sperm may play a much bigger part in loss that people have thought until now (there’s a new study come out to show if ICSI select particular sperm it totally mitigates age related miscarriage rates). So we are doing IVF with PGT-A (testing, so we know their not poorly before they get put back). I just can’t go through another loss. Can’t wait to find out if my baby is hopelessly poorly. Can’t have hyperemesis and be worried about eating the wrong thing again. And I want to separate sex from conception. It’s been 4 years. We need sex to bond through the grief. Not to dread lest we should get pregnant with another poorly baby who we watch fight so hard to be here and then we have to say goodbye to.

Life is a very hard road for baby loss mums. I hope we are both blessed with healthy little babies.

Be as kind to yourself as you can be. Sending you lots of hugs

I am so very sorry you miscarried. 🌹
You don't need to justify your emotions at all.
I do know someone who was in the same situation, also 5 mos in 2020, and now has a beautiful 1yr old.
I'm so sorry for your heartbreak and I hope in time your heart will mend and that your prayers will be answered.

My daughter died in 2015 (miscarriage). I had a healthy son in 2016. I do still think of her and she has a name.

I am very sorry for what happened.