Post C-section recovery and opinion regarding PIL’s

[Bexat]

After a discussion about paternity leave and how much OH is going to be at home after the baby is born. He’s decided to go back to work sooner than I sort of expected, he’s dropped on me, that his parents want to come round for dinner…..

So what they do, is make dinner, bring it to our house (they live an hour away) take over my kitchen and dining room serving up what they have made.
The food is lovely and the gesture is kind, but I find it uncomfortable and intrusive at the best of times to be served in my own home, but they are on about coming before I’m out of my 6 week c section window, with a newborn (1st!)

It’s one thing popping for a visit, I want them to see the grandchild, but feeling like I have to entertain the in-laws for a meal when I don’t know what I’m doing with a baby, just had surgery, and more than likely a complete mess…

Am I being unreasonable saying no?

I really can’t see the problem. I had two c sections. I would be so grateful that someone was offering to make me a meal. They are not asking to be entertained.

I was driving after a few weeks and I wasn’t a spring chicken either.

That actually sounds like a lovely gesture and you may reconsider once baby is here and you are desperate for a decent meal, have no time to do yourself between feeds and DH is still grappling with new father duties.

Perhaps tentatively accept but don't set a date and let them know you'll let them know if/when it's needed.

I say this as kindly as possible, but you are creating problems where none yet exist. Why would you have to "entertain" your in-laws? I am confident they do not expect that at all. I don't think they intend on "taking over" your kitchen. They're bringing delicious food you don't have to make so you can relax, tend to the baby, and then they can visit with the baby as well. I suggest you try to relax.

I'd absolutely hate this too. It would be way too intrusive for me. It may be a nice gesture from a good place but it's not what you want or need. I think I'd just say "thanks but no thanks". I don't know if this your reasoning but for me I could quite truthfully say "I'm just quite a private, somewhat introverted person and whilst I'd love to see you for visits a couple of times a week I really need my own space too and wouldn't cope well with this arrangement".

If their gesture is indeed genuine and their motive was purely to help you then they will back off and not attempt to punish or manipulate you.

I understand, and perhaps I can sway in a direction.

In terms of the dining, it does require entertainment, they don’t really do non-formal. If it was a case of hearty food and passing the baby, NO PROBLEM! but we are taking 3 course meal and table wear…

Sounds lovely.

they sound kind .

It sounds really lovely of them! I can't see why this would be a problem at all.

Thank you for the replies

I've had two C-sections. Both times my parents in law actually moved in with us (from abroad) for a couple of weeks and my MIL did all the cooking so I could focus on recovery. She also helped a lot with baby care. While it was fraught at times having no private space I'm eternally grateful for her doing that (and no my own Mum could not/would not have done this).

Having your parents in law bring dinner is great. But if they normally do this as a formal meal I hear your worry. Can you push back directly with them/ via your DH to set expectations? Along the lines of - you will be recovering from major abdominal surgery and looking after a newborn, so while they are very welcome to bring dinner they should not expect it to be the usual formal meal but a very relaxed affair focused on what you/baby need and can cope with. And some help with baby to let you nap/shower etc would also go down well.

No. My c-section recovery was brutal. I’m actually grateful that I had a lockdown baby & didn’t have to tolerate people... The midwife / public health nurse were our only visitors.

It's your home, you can tell them you want a very casual dinner or you'll have to decline their offer.

I think timings make a big difference- you say it'll be during a 6 week recovery window. Within the first week or so, I wouldn't have wanted this but by 3/4 weeks, I was functioning normally & hosting people who visited. It sounds lovely that they're willing to cook at their house.

I really don't see a problem if they are going to take over, serve, clear up etc. That does not sound formal, it is guests mucking in, in laws looking after their family (which obviously includes you). Also, you really needn't be precious about the 6 week business. In all likelihood, you will be grand well before that. I hosted Christmas 3 weeks after a section. I have had 2 and would have no problem with people rocking up to feed me.

If they’re bringing you dinner and it’s literally a case of eat the dinner and then they go after a short visit then I say fine, if that’s helpful for you. What you don’t want is people landing themselves on you under the guise of being helpful when they’re actually just getting under your feet and hanging about your house. My in laws came in the first week after a section for two visits, both lasting almost FOUR HOURS. We don’t have a casual relationship where it would be fine if I was in my pyjamas or anything either. I remember putting on a dark coloured dressed and leggings with a double layered maternity pad underneath in the hope I wouldn’t need to panic about blood. After the two hour mark I was really struggling and so desperately wanted them to leave. Physically I was exhausted from not getting any sleep in hospital, not even a second and also the obvious recovery aspect. I cried when they finally left the first time and begged my husband not to let it happen again. Three days later it did. They were coming, not bringing anything, not offering to do washings or housework that I couldn’t do, just landing themselves upon us, frantically rocking the baby and passing him between them until they’d had enough. I couldn’t even give him a feed at one point because they were being so insistent. They hardly ever visit normally and when he hit two months old they didn’t visit for a solid 2 month period! Now having my second and the same thing will NOT be happening this time! It’s a quick 30 minute visit max and then they’ll be getting told I’m going to bed with the baby. I’d not agree to anything until you see how you are at the time, you don’t need to arrange that in advance

It depends if they're being genuinely nice or just want an excuse to invade your space and take over with the baby. You don't know what kind of grandparents they're going to be and take it from me, some are horrifically controlling. In the midst of my PND I actually had dreams where my MIL was breastfeeding my son and telling them he was hers. It was awful.
But also I'm very introverted and would not like this at all. And bare in mind you'll be in the midst of physical, mental recovery and not much sleep in the early days. It is quite tough. The best thing they could do is perhaps drop off food for you. And they can do a proper visit when you're ready. But even then don't expect to be waited on. As it'll take a while for you to feel normal again.

With you op I would hate this and I loved my inlaws very much. Tricky though

OMG I would have been delighted!! But my MIL is very sweet and I get on great with her, she would totally understand. If you're not keen, I think that's fair enough - decide what your boundary will be and let them know now and set a date with them to manage their expectations. FWIW I was over the worst on both my sections by 3/4 weeks. The early days can be tricky while trying to get to grips with feeding baby etc while recovering from major abdominal surgery, hormones all over the place.

I think you are taking the 6 week thing a bit too literally tbh. Everyone has different recoveries but often recoveries from placed sections aren't that long. I was hosting and cooking for guests within the first few weeks (day 5 for my second, 3 weeks for my first but it was a party for 30).

You might feel rubbish, you might feel absolutely fine. Why don't you see how you feel nearer the time. Also, it's fine to say you want informal, or no if you aren't up to it

Sorry if I've missed this (I've re-read twice) but when and how often are they proposing to come over after the birth? That's pretty key in how reasonable/unreasonable the proposal is.

That said, DS was terrible from about 5pm every night throughout the newborn phase, so I dreaded evening/overnight visits.

This would have annoyed me. I’ve had 2 c-sections and was quite capable of making a meal, something simple and quick, within a couple of days. So this would not have been helpful to me whatsoever.

Can you imagine this from the perspective of someone who isn’t the same as you, though? Are you able to imagine what it would feel like for someone who values having their own space a lot of the time, or someone who is introverted, or someone who feels uncomfortable about having other people serve them, or someone who doesn’t like to eat a big evening meal every day? There are absolutely loads of people who wouldn’t like this arrangement for valid reasons.

Yes I agree. I would have loved this