I'm in absolute despair, please help

[calamityjade]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant, I've been leaking fluid since 31 weeks and have been admitted with what turned out to be false labour 6 times in this time. What feels like active labour for a few hours but then totally stops! I am constantly loosing low levels of fluid but have had three big losses another one yesterday. I am due to deliver next week and have had antibiotics. Baby is moving ok.

I'm just terrified, I'm constantly cramping and worrying, constantly soaking through my underwear and clothes, I have chronic lower back ache and have for weeks, I'm not sleeping at all and I'm just convinced that something is going to go so, so wrong. I'm really scared that baby should just be delivered before I end up having a stillbirth. They won't deliver me any earlier, but I'm just constantly laying in bed crying that I'm going to have a stillbirth and analysing movements and googling horrible things and statistics and I just feel totally in despair. I am having to actively stop myself asking the ward to see me everyday just to reassure me, but most days I end up in there for one panic or another.

I don't know whether I have some sort of mothers instinct causing this and that baby needs to come out before it goes horribly wrong or if I'm just having really bad anxiety and need to hang on just a bit longer. I've had miscarriages before but nothing this late and I hadn't been worried this pregnancy at all up until the last few weeks. I just can't relax becuase I feel like I need to advocate for this baby and my gut is that something is not right but then the consultants say that baby is doing just fine in there regardless and doesn't need to come out urgently and can wait until my scheduled date. What do I do?

I’m so sorry, how stressful.

All I can advise is to stop googling. You’ll only ever find the absolute worst case scenario

When is the consultant next due to visit you? You should have a frank conversation with them about your concerns, and hear what they have to say about what they are doing to make sure the baby is safe and well-monitored

In the meantime, find something to distract you away from google - a game on your phone, a podcast series, etc

Keeping everything crossed for you for a very uneventful next week 💐

I know only too well how scary this must be but deep breaths and step away from google @calamityjade

I can completely relate as we had concerns over growth alongside questionable amniotic fluid levels at the latter end of my pregnancy and I too was absolutely positively convinced I would walk away without a baby at the end of it. Thankfully it was just my anxiety taking over and I now have a beautiful 10 day old DD.

Try to take comfort in the fact you’re having regular checks and consultant led care, if there were any red flags they would absolutely tell you they need to get the baby out sooner.

If you think something is wrong go and get seen. Every time. Call your midwife team now and head up to the hospital for monitoring.

That sounds so stressful OP. I’d say stop googling, those stories won’t help you. But don’t be afraid to go and be monitored every single day if needed, especially as it’s only a week or so left. If you go in the morning and everything is fine but in the evening something doesn’t feel right, go back, every time. Don’t be afraid to be pushy or there a lot. It’s such a short window of your life just try not to worry about bothering other people and take care of yourself and your baby.

Thank you, it's hard because even after a perfectly normal ctg they discharge me and I still think something is wrong. I just can't shake this feeling so if I'm there every time I'm worried I will need to move to the ward for the next week. I feel like I'm losing my mind and keep telling myself to just calm down but then I get this thought in my head that I'm having some instinct that my baby needs to come out sooner and that I need to fight for it or they're going to die. It's really, really exhausting.

I know it's tiring and you're worried you're making a fuss and wasting staff time etc, but listen to your gut, always.

I'm just exhausted by it all. It keeps feeling like labour has started the contractions become regular, we rush down to hospital as they've said they'll deliver straight away if I go into labour and then it all just stops. The amount of waters I'm losing just feels scary but they keep saying there are still enough around the baby. I just want this to be over now it's been weeks of it and now I'm this far along I just want to deliver safely. I don't trust my body with them anymore.

So sorry to hear you are suffering such stress OP. Can you use headspace or other calming apps to practice breathing techniques/meditation?
Repeating Positive affirmations can help.
Are there any activities you can do like reading/films/netflix/craft to distract you?
Try and take one day at a time and your little one will be here soon.

Are you in the UK? Can you go in and demand delivery now that you are 36 weeks? You and baby are at a much higher risk of infection now that you are leaking waters.