Single parent - Early pregnancy advice please :)

[Arabella20]

Good evening :)

I have been following everyone’s threads on here but I can’t find anything similar to my current situation. I am already a parent to a little girl who is 7 who I co-parent with her dad ( my previous partner). We split up when she was 1 and he’s a great dad. In august this year I met someone who I fell head over heels for, turns out he was abusive and “ love bombing me”. Approximately 3 weeks ago we split up after he was cautioned by the police for pushing me over in a pub. This was really detrimental on my mental health and looking bad at the relationship I realised he had been emotionally abusive since early on in the relationship but I ignored the red flags. We are no longer in contact and I am receiving support from domestic abuse charities. Fast forward a month and I have just found out I am approx 4 weeks pregnant, obviously unplanned. I plan on keeping the baby as I have had an abortion previously and I have always regretted it. I need some advice as to whether I should tell my ex partner ? I don’t want anything to do with him but I know he would be upset if he had nothing to do with his child ( from previous conversations ). This would be his first child. Any advice/ support would be greatly received.

thank you :)

He sounds awful I wouldn't tell him, he might not take the news well, what if he hurt you while your pregnant? That's not a risk I would be willing to take. I definitely would not put him on the birth certificate as he could use your child as a weapon. Maybe after your child is born you could arrange for him to visit the child in a supervised contact centre to begin with if he wants to be involved? If your involved with domestic violence charities I would ask them for some guidance on this. Completely off topic but I think you are further along than you think, if you broke up 3 weeks ago you would be at least 5 weeks although I do realise you said approx. Hope all goes well for you 🍀

Your child comes first not him. The question is what would be best for the child? Not what’s best for him!

you can saddle your child with an abusive man or not.

I don’t know how can you even consider it. You might still be under his influence.

if your child wants to reach out later, when you can explain the situation and they are mature enough, then that’s another thing. I would keep his contact details just in case, but that’s it.

think of your baby.

I wouldn't tell him. I found out I was pregnant after splitting from an emotionally abusive and controlling partner and I weighed up the pros and cons and decided it was best not to tell him or get him involved.

I will not hide the truth from my child if they ask, but as it stands there is no benefit to him knowing as he will just use it as a reason to try and get back into my life and I know he isn't capable of being reasonable. He will not be on the birth certificate either.

I'm now 21 weeks if that helps, found out at 9 weeks.

With respect, being born to a violent and abusive father isn't what's best for any child, whether his existence is denied or not the link still exists, and the child is reasonably likely to want to ask questions or seek him out at some stage. I don't believe it's fair or right to deny anyone the facts of their own life, no matter how much easier that makes life for other people.

There's also the risk that he finds out, and either pursues contact / parental responsibility / shared custody and/or just makes your lives very difficult, potentially dangerously so.

I appreciate what you say about a previous abortion OP, and I don't wish to be harsh or upset you, but would you really wish this Man on an innocent child, who will be irrevocably connected to him for their entire life?

Just a different point of view, from someone who has long dealt with the effects of a less than ideal parent x