Would be hurt if a friend kept pregnancy and infertility struggles a secret?

[desr]

So we struggled to conceive. I told friends I’d decided to be childfree after a year of trying because I couldnt take the questions and asking if it’d worked yet. We kept trying for another three years. Then did IVF. The first cycle ended in an ectopic and with the second I very luckily got pregnant. I’ve said nothing about this journey to any of my friends. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant.

My closest friend told me everything when she was struggling. She had miscarriages and a TFMR but she got there in the end and I was still struggling. I feel like I’m a bad friend to not tell her the ins and outs but at the same time it’s all so personal I don’t want to. And I don’t think I could deal with the pain of explaining it all. I feel a bit of a fraud when I see her though as I’ve kept 22 weeks of my pregnancy to myself and the last three years have been a battle to have a child and she knows none of it. Im nervous to say I’m pregnant in case something goes wrong. I want to tell her everything but if I was to tell her would she be hurt? That I kept it all a secret? I don’t know what to do. Obviously I should tell her Im pregnant soon.

Would you still want to be friends with someone who kept something like this quiet? Will she understand?

I think since she's been through similar she'll understand. Tell her exactly what you posted here and that you didn't tell anyone!

Sending my congratulations OP!

I think she’ll understand too, it’s such a personal journey so just because she shared with you it doesn’t mean you have to share back! I haven’t told some of my friends about my loss and I probably won’t even when I announce this baby. Congratulations also, so pleased you’re getting your baby after your difficult journey🥰

I would of course want to be friends with you still. I'd be delighted for you.
All you have to do is explain how difficult it was to cope with questions and your own anxiety and feelings, let alone other people's feelings and that absolutely everyone got shut out, not just her.
I'd totally understand. My own best friend couldn't talk about her fertility journey with anyone and all her friends knew that and we understood.
I'd ring her though, rather than text or post in a group chat.
Go ahead, it'll be fine and best of luck with the pregnancy!

I wouldn’t be hurt at all. Maybe a little concerned that you went through all that without a support network (unless you involved your family etc) but not hurt.
Congratulations!

I might view our friendship differently if I spoke to a friend frequently and they failed to mention they were 22 weeks pregnant

I wouldn't be hurt at all. It's a very personal, difficult time and people deal with it in different ways.

The only thing I would feel is delight that you've got there after a difficult journey.

I don't think making someone else's intensely personal situation and medical information all about you would really be the action of a friend.

Very personal and the less people know the better as it puts terrible pressure on the couple

OP, if you're really worried about this, you could tell a white lie and say this pregnancy was unplanned? It's absolutely up to you how much you share.

I think if she has been through similar then she would haven't (and even if she hasn't, it shouldn't take much thought to appreciate why you made the decision you did)

More importantly - congratulations, I hope it all goes smoothly for you from now on

Of course not I would be delighted for you. I am a private person and wouldn't share anything intimate with any of my friends that's just not my thing

Congrats op

Firstly congratulations.

Not exactly the same but when I told my close friend I was 12 weeks PG (approx) she declared herself 20 weeks PG. It was babu 2 for her and 3 for me. I was just delighted for her. She had her own reasons for keeping quiet. There was a bit of me that thought hmmmn thought we were closer than that.. ..then I gave my head a wobble. We are different people and deal with things differently.

Hey
I'm in a similar boat having similar thoughts, and equally have always maintained I didn't want kids.

I'm meeting my best friend today and found out I was pregnant yesterday. We have been trying 2.5 years and no one knows.

Last time I saw her she told me about another friend of hers who is having infertility issues and I said nothing, as I had recently had a CP and didn't feel capable of holding a conversation about it. I wanted to say something, just didn't feel emotionally capable.

I think everyone handles things in their own ways, and good friends understand that and know that you have done what was best for you and your health.

I have decided not to tell her today and I am okay with that and my reasons for that decision are sound.

I'm sure your friend will be super thrilled for you! Good luck!

I have another close friend who didn't tell anyone she didn't meet in person and couldn't hide it from that they were pregnant until after the baby arrived. I hadn't seen her as she lives abroad so first I knew was a photo of a 6-week old.

No why would I ? That's their own personal matter

When I eventually told my best friend I was pregnant around 18w, and asked if I could borrow her Mat clothes which I still had in my possession from borrowing with DC1, she revealed she was in early pregnancy after a trick start summer. That's when I told her about my year of difficulties and multiple losses. Turns out we'd both being having difficulties but hadn't told each other and totally understood and respected that. TTC is a very personal journey and if it scuppers your friendship, then is that really the kind of friend you want to have?

Thank you all for your replies. It really has helped me reading all of them. 💐 💐💐

If I was your friend I would wonder why you were telling me now and not continuing to keep it to yourself after all this time. I don't think it's worth risking upsetting her. It's hard enough going through infertility, as you are aware, without feeling like you've been sharing your journey with someone who hasn't been honest about theirs

@desr similar story although I told 2 close friends at 18 weeks and then the rest after 20 week scan.

I think it's up to you how your deal with it.
I told all my friends and family we didn't want children and have not told them about our journey 2nd IVF cycle worked for us too.

It's personal and I'm sure your friend will understand if you ever choose to tell her why you needed to keep it to yourself to protect your emotions and wellbeing.

Congratulations and I hope things go smoothly for you. I'm 28 weeks pregnant atm