Giving birth alone? What would you do?

[LettucesAndRoses]

Hello and happy New Year!

I'm due with baby number 2 in a few months and I'm having a real headache deciding who should look after the older one on the day.

My and DH's parents live far away. Both sets have offered to come over but they would obviously have to arrive before the due date and leave after, meaning we would have people around for quite a long time. They would probably take a hotel but they'd expect to come over and see us all the time. I really don't want that for several reasons (relations are tensed and they disregard our preferences when it comes to looking after our child).
They'd also be around after the birth when we'll just want to be left alone as a family of four.

Or DH could stay home with the older one when I go to give birth and we wouldn't have to endure lengthy and stressful visits. Obviously, that means DH would miss the birth, which sucks.

What would you do in this situation?

I would have been ok with giving birth alone but not ok with OH missing it. It’s a huge life event for both of you.

I can understand why you don’t want relatives around.

Having a local support network is hugely important. Use the next few months to make some friends nearby and ask one of them to care for DC1. If any of my friends, neighbours or acquaintances knocked on the door and asked me to look after their child while they’re giving birth I would see it as an honour rather than a chore.

Would a hoke birth be an option for you? We are planning one (not for childcare reasons) but it does make childcare more straightforward - depending on the time of day DD will hopefully sleeping or able to be looked after by Dad for most of the proceedings. You could use the bubble app or Facebook to find someone to come watch your child towards the end, hopefully you’d be more comfortable having a stranger watch them if you and DH are about in the house.

I was in a similar situation and opted for a planned c section.
Both DParents and DPIL lived miles away so we'd no one on hand for a spontaneous labour.
My DM came the night before and left the day after the birth.
DH went back and forth from hospital to home to help look after DC

Good luck - it is a stressful time. I was also planning to go it alone until I came up with this solution.

My c section recovery was much quicker than my vaginal delivery too.

I would never have considered giving birth alone if I hadn't discussed it with my DH. He seemed on board and has just changed his mind. I obviously don't want him to miss out but it would have been a good solution if he was happy to just be home with number 1.

I live in France and home births are extremely uncommon. I had thought about it and will discuss options with my midwife but it's unlikely to be possible.

I really dread having one set (or two, I can imagine we won't get away with just one set coming) of parents coming. Even if we discuss boundaries before, I know that we'll have to police them all the time and it will be really stressful. Their visits are dreaded and stressful in normal times so never mind around the birth.

We didn't have anyone visit for ages the first time around and it was great. We prefer to stay in our bubble and also protect the newborn from germs in the first few weeks. We'd never hear the end of it if we said we wanted our parents to come for the birth but not to meet the new baby. They've not been careful at all with COVID etc and we don't trust them around a tiny delicate newborn.

It's such a headache deciding what to do!

I’d give birth alone personally. For me having the baby is the life event as opposed to giving birth.

I think I can empathise as my parents and ILs visiting causes me a lot of stress and I wouldn’t want to be thinking of them while going through labour!

I think in this instance what you need should take priority as you're the one whose going to be giving birth and recovering from birth. There's plenty of time for "equal parenting" later