Overbearing in laws

[Boniodog22]

Happy New Year all :)

I have 4 weeks till my caesarean and tbh I am a bit anxious about it. It’s my first baby and I’m 43.
Im not really a maternal person, I know I’ll love my baby but I’ve never been obsessive or keen on babies.

During my pregnancy I’ve tried to avoid lots of baby talk, asked in laws to stop grabbing my stomach when visiting and although appreciate their excitement it has been massively overbearing at points.

My husband doesn’t really get it but he has advised them a few times that I don’t want to keep sending bump photo updates and I really don’t feel comfortable talking about birth plans, breastfeeding, maternity pads and essential baby items.
I’m a very private person and I’d rather speak with my mum and midwife.

I do feel mean but my sister in law has turned into what I can only describe as a small child counting down till Christmas and it’s really off putting and building anxiety.

My husband and I are very laid back however my in laws love gossip, drama and do not respect boundaries - some of them don’t have Covid jabs and are asking to visit as soon as the baby is born.

This morning I’ve woken to two messages from my sister in laws -

1. Counting down the days till I give birth, reminding me how little time I have left as an independent person and expressing how exciting it all is!!
2. Sharing details about umbilical cord donation and suggesting this is something I explore

I really don’t know what to say as I dread getting messages from them - I know that sounds harsh but we deliberately haven’t told them the actual caesarean date as we believe if they could - they’d be in the delivery suite with us!! 😳🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m really worried they are going to be massively overbearing and intrusive after the baby is born….my husband is a bit of a people pleaser and does bend under pressure for them……

Your dh needs to put a stop to it.

Is it their first grandchild/niece or nephew?! One word of advice is to be very careful and set clear boundaries now. My friend had a baby 5 years ago and even now her in laws have an unhealthy interest that goes beyond anything you could consider as "normal". Make sure from the beginning that you make clear what is and isn't ok now but your partner needs to be on the same page.

This will be their 8th grandchild - when we announced the pregnancy the MILs reaction was ‘she’s not pregnant is she’ and then went on about it possibly being a girl as she has all boy grandchildren.

The baby was originally due near her birthday (pulled forward cause of C-section - phew) and she kept suggesting it was a gift from god and to call it after her.

It’s certainly not been easy and for some one who doesn’t like attention anyhow I can safely say I’ve had to build a tough skin and create barriers for my own well-being and sanity over these past 9 months.

They do like to be heavily involved - cannot understand privacy at all and question why I’m so sensitive in their view and anxious.

I’ve said a number of times I’m a private person, it’s not my cup of tea and frankly no - all to which they tend to ignore.

I do think I will start to get annoyed with them if it continues as although I’m laid back when extremely pushed I will snap.
They haven’t seen that side of me before and I think it will be a shock….

Were having grandparents only hopefully visit in the first few weeks and I’ve asked my brother to wait till the 3rd week to allow them to all see the baby due to my dad living abroad and flying over to make it fair.
Sadly my hyperactive SIL is asking to visit alongside my MIL and although I’ve said no I do believe she’ll come anyhow with her manic 6 year old - both who haven’t been vaccinated and completely disregard covid rules….I’ve said no vaccine no visit but it’ll be hard to turn her away on your doorstep…..especially as I don’t want enemies but have been very clear she comes down she won’t be invited in…..it’s a really tough one

• disregarded covid rules at the time

Oh dear, that sounds so frustrating and not what you need at the end of pregnancy. I’ve found you can feel extra sensitive at that time and is hard not to absorb shit from other people, so you do need to make boundaries. I had to tell ILs to send questions through DH as I was fed up of the how are yous and what’s happening, several times a day. Also shite jokes about getting ready to push. I was planning a home birth and we ended up concealing this from MIL because her anxiety about it was too much to bear. Fine for her to feel how she feels but it wasn’t for us to contain or reassure her.

So, I am all for making your boundaries and being clear. However I think it is worth remembering that these will be your child’s relatives too and they will likely adore them. You don’t want to let this frustration totally sour the relationships long term, if possible. Personally I think your stance on vaccination is daft as there is no evidence that this will prevent anyone getting covid and bringing it around. However if you don’t want visitors in the first few weeks if you are anxious about infection risk, it’s ok to say that. Good luck!

I think your SIL was watching Sunday Brunch this morning - they mentioned placenta/cord donation. Whilst she maybe overstepping it’s a worthy cause if you can consider it.

As for visitors I would stand firm on SIL visits and make it clear before the birth. If you insult her she has even less reason to visit!

@Beginningless not to derail - but you can’t seriously believe that there is no evidence that a vaccine reduces the chance of getting Covid (and then, if someone does get it, reduced the chance of transmission)???

OP - read up on grey rock. It’s the way to go. Polite deflection and firm boundaries. And just don’t rise to any drama.

Sorry I worded that badly, what I meant is it’s only about 12wks post vaccination immunity is thought to last isn’t it, so the cover is quite fleeting, and no evidence that vaccination makes people less transmissible when they have it. But also not wanting to derail ops thread, plenty other places to debate that.

I understand your overbearing in-laws etc and can see where you are coming from. I had similar (though not as bad) with mine, I lied about the due date for my second and third child so they'd leave me alone. It's great you've not told them the actual date the baby is going to be delivered, I'd suggest maybe giving it up to a week before revealing the baby arrived just to give yourself a few days to breathe and start the recovery process. They might be annoyed when they find out but you should put yourself first here. Put clear boundaries into place early on and manage expectations. I have had hell for 7 years from my husband's family, they think I'm terrible etc, but I just couldn't live my life and raise my children in their pockets. People like this just don't understand how interfering and overbearing they are. I could write a book with the bonkers things my in-laws have done over the years.

As for being the covid vaccination police I'm sorry but I don't understand where you are coming from? I had my third child during covid before vaccinations were rolled out, well it was the very beginning of the vaccination program and pregnant women were advised not to have it. It wasn't rolled out to my age group until my baby was about 5 or 6 months old. At the time my children were 3 and 5 when my third arrived, we haven't had them vaccinated as there is very little benefit to them. We were vaccinated but haven't had a booster in 12 months, the vaccine is effective for about 6 months after that point any protection/slight reduction in transmission will be low. I can't understand why you'd be policing this, small children and babies are at minimal risk. You should be far more concerned about other diseases which are dangerous to babies, will you ask anyone you ever come into contact with for their vaccination record? I doubt it.

Ask your DH to have a firm word with his family where he tells them to direct their questions/messages/well wishes etc to him only because you are a private person and find the correspondence overwhelming. In regards to ALL illnesses, he also needs to have a firm word with any visitors that they are not allowed to visit you or the baby unwell. Like someone else pointed out, there are many other illnesses that can be worse than covid and you don’t want to risk anything. Full stop. Children are especially likely to bring in bugs they’ve contracted through school so that’s a good reason for him to hold off visits.

On a side note, please try to treat your parents/siblings the same. If you have family members from your side allowed to visit with their kids, it would be unreasonable to ask your SIL to stay away. My kids loved meeting new family members but I was a considerate person so wouldn’t dream of visiting unwell. If you’re happy to share some detail with your mum, you should be able to tolerate the same questioning from his mum. It’s really difficult because you feel closer to your family and that’s only natural, but equally I have a son and I’d be SO upset if his wife’s mum got to see my grandchild all the time and I did not. You really have to walk on egg shells as a mother in law to be welcome, it must be hard.

Good luck navigating all of the above and ENJOY your baby. Such exciting times ahead for all!

I don't agree with this whole equal thing. I'd happily let my mum see me a mess with my house a mess just after giving birth, she's my mum, my mil no. I shared details about my births with my mum and sister, doesn't mean I'm going to discuss the state my vagina was left in and the awful recovery with my mil and sil just to be "fair". The relationships are not the same, you don't have to allow in laws to do anything you aren't happy with just because you allow your own mum or sister that level of access or information. The woman giving birth isn't a vessel or public property, she's allowed to say no to anything and anyone, she doesn't need a reason either.

My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a much less stressful life. Block them all. Let dh tell them your phone is having issues.
He can deal with them. You have a pregnancy to enjoy.

This.

And there is no need to ensure the two sets of grandparents get the same amount of time.

If one set is respectful and calm, and the others interfering and overstep boundaries, then go with whatever works for you. Your child is not a toy to be shared out.

Congratulations and good luck xx

I can't understand why people think it's their right to visit as soon as a baby is born. It should be up to the parents to say when and how long.

Dh cottoned on quickly he needed to run visits by me before confirming with his dps or I would continue with my plans even if they arrived . If that meant dc were included in those plans it really wasn't my issue..

I have this issue but with my DM not in laws! DM expects me to let her see the kids whenever she wants but it's not always a good time and then I get turned into the bad guy for not letting her see them 🤷‍♀️ just do what works for you and your family!

You have to do what works for you and your baby, it's as simple as that. Turn sil away at the door - you've made it clear she's not invited so you have no reason to let her in just because she disregards that.

The crux of it is that your baby will rely on you and DH to advocate for her and if that involves ruffling a few feathers along the way, so be it. You get to decide what is and isn't happening around her so stick to your guns with it. If you do it now it should help make it easier in future. If you let things go now, they'll just get worse.

And as for sil sending advice - best advice I ever got was to listen, nod, walk away and do it my way anyway - because the world and his wife will offer advice where a baby is concerned.

Oh I have/had the exact same problem! I hated people touching my bump, told everyone no the whole way through then during the peak of covid when I was only happy to have the in-laws round if they sat outside, my FIL put his hand on my bump and I was SO uncomfortable with it! They texted nearly every day just with the same questions. A lot of the time it was asking how I was feeling, which you’d think is nice but it’s really repetitive to have to answer ‘yeah fine’ every single time 🤦🏼‍♀️ Didn’t tell MIL it was a section, she asked about pain relief, my birth plan etc, told me not to take any pain relief as she managed without it. Well good for you but I’ll do what I like thanks (and it’s a section anyway)! She constantly dropped in names she ‘hated’ in conversation, when she knew we had a name picked. It was unbearable to even see her. I stood up one day to go and get a drink and the two of them were literally staring at me every step I took as I walked back out, it made me feel so uncomfortable.

When the baby was born I asked my husband to set some ground rules with them. They always well overstay their welcome when they visit and I wanted him to make it clear that I wouldn’t be up for a visit straight away (because it was a section🤫), visits were to be short and they weren’t to kiss the baby. My husband shrugged this off and said it would be fine. I think he’s actually intimidated by them and was too scared to say. He ended up saying after he was born that I wasn’t up for a visit yet (on day 2) and they said ‘we’re not coming to see her, we’re coming to see the baby’ and laughed. I was heavily bleeding and in pain listening on loud speaker on the phone. I so wish I’d just said something but I sat silent. My parents came, brought me pyjamas and lots of hair/skin care stuff, stayed 20 minutes, met him quickly then took our washing and left. His family came, didn’t bring a thing or offer to do anything, passed him up and down frantically rocking him the whole time, wouldn’t give me him back, stayed for FOUR HOURS, kissed the baby and eventually left 😑 I was so uncomfortable and I felt it actually put my recovery back because it stressed me out so much. I cried when they left and the exact same thing happened a few days later again. I just wanted to be lying in bed resting.

I’m now pregnant again and I’m so put off telling them. I’m hoping to leave it as late as possible just to avoid their messages and questioning. This time they will be told when I’m ready for a visit and visits will be limited to half an hour!

I would ignore as many of the messages as you can, that might give out some clue. I’d get your husband to lay down very very clear rules before you have any visits so you don’t have to worry about any of this when trying to recover. Hope it all goes well, my section was amazing! Shame my in-laws aren’t 😂