Am I going to manage this?

[loopyloutoo]

36 weeks pregnant with first baby. I got pregnant quick (thankfully) but I had expected to have issues given my age (late 30s) and hormonal issues in past.

My reason for writing is I've really struggled with this pregnancy, accepting this major life change and waiting to get the lightbulb "oh my gosh I can't wait" moment and it hasn't come. Instead I'm completely overwhelmed with the concept of being a mum, being relied on 24/7 for the foreseeable future and I have zero idea what I'm doing.

I'm not specifically scared about birth, it's everything after that! I'm in a secure relationship, I don't know why I'm not elated and everyone keeps looking at me for the elation but I can't find it for them! I pretend of course.

I'm worried about going on mat leave, mg job is v important to me and I'm worried about becoming expendable and not coping with juggling parenting and return to work on the other side.

Has anyone felt like this? Does it sound like it has potential to be PPA/PPD? Will I end up loving my baby? I really hope so

Tell your community midwife or whoever your maternity contact is. If you're worried you might need a bit of extra support then they can set that up just in case and help with your worries (which all sound very normal but scary). I felt the
the same on top of some long standing anxiety issues and I love my kid so much, but was grateful to have the help with my mental health.

I think as pp said, it's a good idea to have a chat with your midwife about it. There is a lot of support out there. But also realise that these feelings are normal. I had therapy after my daughter was born because I felt quite lost in my new "role" (I had quite my job to move to another city shortly before on top of that). It took me a while to properly bond with my baby. I think I simply had no clue what I was expecting and was a bit baffled by the whole concept of suddenly having this baby attached to me 24/7. I feel like I prepared so much for birth and completely neglected what was going to happen afterwards. But the love grew and grew over time. She's now 4 and the best thing in my life.

It's not an easy journey to have kids but you'll grow with it. And I guarantee you that you'll love your baby. Just be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much, especially at the beginning.

I think it's pretty normal. I had DD at 39 and felt the same. Looking back, I could have benefited from chatting with someone - midwife or GP, as I realise now that it may have been mild depression. I feel very different this time around with DS two years later.

Not sure if it helps, I'm 20 weeks, my first child, and my late 30s. Always being asked if I'm excited etc and I'm just not.
I'm more like you in a way, thinking about afterward and managing my job and being a parent, plus the concept of someone being reliant on me for the next 18 odd years is quite sobering. I am single but have supportive friends and family.
I'm hoping once I feel baby (anterior placenta) I maybe will feel more excited, but as it stands I am just very much planning and preparing as opposed to looking forward to being a mum 🤷‍♀️

Thanks all! Sometimes my head just needs a wobble! I have never been the maternal type but I do definitely want kids, I just felt I would feel more "ready".
Pre-Covid, I had a job that required me to travel internationally a lot and I really miss that life and obviously those kind of opportunities are not really open to me any more. Hopefully in the future.
I have spoken to the midwife, where I am there is a team of midwives as opposed to a person, they wrote it on my notes so they do ask me a lot about anxiety.
I guess I just feel like I will regret not enjoying this time, but I can't help it! As long as the baby doesn't suffer because of my feelings then I'll be fine, that's the main thing

Well intentioned (?) people when I was pregnant and had newborn DC1 used to try and encourage me by telling me that my anxiety would affect the baby. That only made me more anxious! DC1 is now a happy and friendly toddler, and everything fell into place, so pleased to report that their advice was mostly (insert rude word). You will make it through even if you are worried, and even if things are hard, I promise.

I was 38 when I had my little boy and I had quite similar feelings, and they intensified after the birth and the reality of my new life hit home. I felt like I would never have my own identity ever again. The lack of sleep doesn't help either (my job used to involve a lot of late nights / all nighters, but that did not prepare me for the relentlessness of sleeplessness with a newborn). I also didn't bond with the baby immediately, it took quite a few months, which I think didn't help. My whole pregnancy I resented the loss of control over my body, being told what I couldn't do, etc. I wanted to have a baby, but I didn't want to lose, or enjoy losing, my independence. (Having spent the last 2 yrs desperately trying to have a second, I kind of wish I had enjoyed the experience of being pregnant more (!).)

But...you do get your independence back. And you will bond with your baby, even if you don't feel it now. My little boy is now 3 and although my life hasn't gone back to "exactly" what it was previously, a six month break didn't impact my career (I got a major promotion last year), and I have been able to travel for work (with support from my oh). And I have a gorgeous little boy who I adore and keeps me on my toes. It will probably be intense for you in the short term, but the crazy newborn phase is fortunately brief and once you get the other side of it, you'll hopefully be able to figure out some new form of normal that still allows you to be "you".

I agree with other posters that it's worth getting some help if you're worried : making the midwives aware before birth that there could be a problem might help you access services quicker post-birth, in case you need them. Sending you lots of good luck hugs!!

I actually think you’re going to be just fine! so many parents have a very unrealistic view (myself included) of what parenthood is! You are thinking about it realistically and are mentally preparing for the reality that lies ahead. Motherhood is bloody beautiful, but it’s also scary at times. It only feels scary to you now because you haven’t yet met your baby to balance out the beautiful. When he or she comes you will feel like excitement and joy too and if that takes a bit of time the Midwives/HV will be there to help you adjust.

I felt similar during my pregnancy, in fact I regularly questioned why I was throwing the unknown grenade of a baby into a life that I already loved and feared the impact they’d have on my relationship with DH and my career. Deep down I was never in any doubt I wanted a family, but I’m super risk averse and I think I was just fearful of change and the unknown.

I needn’t have worried though as my love for DD was immediate in a way I’d never have imagined beforehand. 3wks in I still feel pretty clueless, but we’re muddling along well and whilst the lack of sleep does knock you for six somewhat we’ve found a routine that has made it manageable. It’s definitely helped talking to friends with kids, as it’s made me realise how normal these early feelings are.

Work-wise I’ve already taken DD into the office to meet my team, and my boss has been incredibly supportive and is already talking future progression opportunities once I’m back and I’ve also been approached for a role by a previous boss, so whilst completely understandable, my fears of becoming replaceable seem unfounded. I will say, whilst I love my job and willingly had a terrible work/life balance prior to DD’s arrival I already know that won’t be the case once I go back as I can sense my priorities have shifted. I’m a little nervous as to how that’ll play out in reality as I head up a team and my job isn’t really 9-5, but I’m hopeful I can make it work.

I love this - thank you for the reassurance!

I am delighted to hear you are doing well

Ah I’m so glad it’s helped. If I can offer one bit of advice, it’s to keep talking about these feelings. They’re all completely normal and totally understandable given the huge upheaval that comes with having a baby. I’ve found the more I’ve talked to friends, family, the midwives and health visitors the more I’ve realised that everyone’s muddling along in the same boat.

I have always felt the same with my babies. All very much wanted, but I never bonded with my unborn babies and felt more apprehension than excitement. Never spoke to the bump or anything like that. Then I loved them when they were born!

I don't know if it's normal or not, but that's been my experience.