Honestly - my head is spinning 35 weeks

[Boniodog22]

I’m beyond stressed and had 2 hours sleep last night.
I feel so emotional today and fed up.

Trying to please in laws and family at the moment is really taking it’s toll.
My husband has a very demanding, large and pressuring family.
They are nice enough people but they are loud, pushy, dominating and disrespectful to boundaries.

It’s never been a comfortable situation but I’ve always tried and living 2 hours away from them has really helped.

When the baby is born the decision was made that grandparents could visit immediately but siblings would need to wait a month or so on my Midwives advise due to flu season and some of my husbands family refusing to have covid injections.

My family are accommodating and sincere, stating they are happy to wait until I am ready.
My husbands family have been pushy since day 1 of the pregnancy.

Examples -

1. We delayed announcing pregnancy due to them bombarding the situation with demands, recommendations and wanting frequent updates
2. Disrespecting our request to please, as generous and kind as it is, do not send anything baby orientated to the house until a certain point is reached as we were not sure how things would plan out (I am deemed a higher risk pregnancy)
3. His Mum feeling we should call the baby after her, suggesting I should give birth naturally because I have child bearing hips and disregarding my wishes not to send frequent bump pictures - not pictures of me, just the bump.
4. Grabbing my stomach whenever I see them without asking, suggesting I don’t feel pregnant and questioning why I am being so difficult and off when I ask them to please not touch my stomach
5. Calls our house their country holiday home, turning up unannounced, will taking over in the home, moving furniture, folding my underwear and dictating how I need to nurse my baby.
6. In the past has let themselves in my house without my knowledge or agreement, guilt tripped about not attending things and will often try to change my husbands mind which has happened occasionally and crested turbulence.

I appreciate these are my in laws, I need to be accommodating and my husband adores them but due to the sheer huge size of my husbands family - there would be 20 siblings, partners and children visiting if they all attended at once, I asked we waited a month before seeing everyone.

Unfortunately due to my Brothers work schedule he had to move the visiting date to the 3rd week after the baby is due to be born. My husband understood and agreed to this change of plans, with my sister, who lives abroad, also suggesting as a surprise - which I wasn’t meant to be aware of - tagging along with my brother.

Yesterday my husband backtracked stating why can’t his siblings now visit in the first month too and why am I favouring/bending the original agreement with my own siblings.

We had a huge row, with my Mum also sharing she felt I was being unreasonable and needed to let the 20+ family members visit alongside Grandparents to settle the situation.

I honestly feel like a caged pregnant animal being carted around and told when to smile etc.
If I had it my way no one would be visiting except my Mum for the first month so I can recover from my caesarean and enjoy a baby a never thought I would have!!

To keep the peace I was going to suggest his family, alongside my mum just visit at the hospital now - I’m in over night so it can be managed and is time dependent?

Any other ideas as to how I can keep my sanity, minimise impacts on my marriage and try to keep everyone happy?

Are you having a C-section? Don't tell them the date!!

Tell your husband to step up and advocate for you and baby both now. Tell family you'll be in touch when you're both ready.

When baby arrives, all plans will go out the window.

Or later down the line tell them you caught COVID at the hospital so need to protect the wider family from passing it around.

Good luck and congratulations!

A month is a very long time to expect family to wait op. I know several midwives and have 3 dc and I've never known any to suggest waiting this long before introducing family, as if it's the normal way of things - it's really not.

Yes it's your baby and you deserve peace and privacy but people will naturally be put out at this arbitrary month deadline especially when it doesn't apply to some members of your family.

You don't need to have all family members descending on you at once surely. Can't you just allow grandparents to visit in the first week then siblings and their families (seperately) spread out over the next few days.

I know some people will be very 'your baby hun, you decide' over it - but in the real world you'll just store up resentment.

I doubt the hospital will allow them all to visit. I would get it all over and done with in the one sweep to be honest otherwise your going to come to dread all the visits, let the siblings all visit with the grandparents, get it out of the way then you can get on with things once it’s over.

I presume with that many people they will all be wearing masks? No way in hell I'd be letting that many people around my newborn..
Can you do window visits? Worked well during Covid and only last 20 minutes if even that.
Are you going to breastfeed? That's a great excuse as you'll be feeding all the time so can leave the room..
I wouldn't be letting anyone hold baby either..
It's just too many people and Covid/flu/RSV are so high still..

It all sounds awful and your husband needs to sort them out very firmly, but a month is a really long time to make them wait.

Thing is, at the moment you have no idea how you'll be feeling a day, a week, a month or even 6 months after the birth, so setting visitors a very rigid plus one month limit at this stage actually sounds like it's causing you more stress than it's designed to alleviate. How do you know that after the magic 1 month mark you'll feel up to accepting 20 relatives? Or how do you know you won't actually be desperate for a friendly face dropping by after only 2 or 3 weeks of postnatal fog?

In my experience (and I know we're all different) I found visitors coming to meet the baby for short visits spread across the first few weeks was a joyful and helpful thing for me. It was a way of punctuating some pretty grueling days and nights with short moments of celebration and a reason to get dressed and I was proud and happy to show off what a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous baby dh and I had produced!

Why not just say to everyone - your dh and mum included, that at this stage you don't know how you'll be feeling so don't want to make any promises or plans yet? You can decide how you feel on a week by week basis after the birth, but that when you are ready for visitors you'd love people to pop in wearing masks for half an hour or so.

Good luck

Oh hell no, you and your husband need to set clear boundaries with these people now. Just be 100% clear in what you want/need and stick to it. After all it's you who has gone through 9 months of pregnancy, you who has to go through labour and recovery, and you and your husbands baby. No one else's.

I let myself be pushed around so much with my first born, but I was young and suffered very badly with anxiety, and worried too much about upsetting/offending people.

Now I've learnt that I really don't give a fuck who I upset, mine and my little family's boundaries are the most important thing.

we encouraged everyone to visit us while in hospital and it meant we got home to peace and quiet and no one pestered us.

we also told people to text before visiting to see if it suited as we wouldn’t be answering the door unless they had “checked in” first.

worked well for us.

A month is a really long time to expect close family to wait and honestly it does sound like you’re willing to bend the “rules” for your own siblings but not your spouses. Yes you’re pregnant but it’s your DH’s child too.

Stick to your guns (but with both sides of the family, not just his) and if they build up resentment then so be it. If you let them dictate what you do with the baby, and yourself, from the start you'll be fucked for life.

You're a person in your own right, not just a relative creator, and they should back the fuck off.

I’m not allowing the in laws to visit me and the baby in hospital. They can wait until I’m ready. Stop bowing down to your in laws’ every wish because they’ll keep taking advantage of you. You’ll never please them so go low contact.

It might not seem like ‘the normal way of things’ to you but it’s HER major abdominal surgery, HER adjusting to life as a mother and therefore HER decision for everyone else to either respect or shut up.

Thanks very much everyone really appreciate all the guidance and support xx