Gender Disappointment

[MrsP4]

Please be kind...... I'm really struggling at the moment found out yesterday we're having another girl already have a little girl nearly 3. I love her more than anything in the world and wouldn't change her but I really wanted a boy this time and I just feel so upset about it. Of course I am happy the baby is healthy and I know I'm so lucky to be even able to have children etc and I never thought I'd feel like this but I just can't shake it off. I feel guilty for feeling this way I feel upset, I feel like I'm not excited, I don't want to think about names or buy anything I'm kinda struggling with it. Just wondered if anyone's got any advice, anyone feel/felt the same and how did you deal with it. I feel really crap and guilty for feeling like this I just don't know what to do and feel like it's not something you really want to talk to family about , I've spoke to my mum and she's just like it'll be ok, I'm glad you'll have two girls etc nothing that I feel has really helped me 😔

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way as it can’t be easy, especially considering as you said you know you should be feeling happy, grateful etc etc. I am thinking perhaps your disappointment is based on certain gender expectations that you think you may or may not get with a child that happens to be a girl? If so maybe letting go of those expectations may help you come to terms with the baby as a baby and as an individual rather than as a specific sex?! Perhaps I’m not barking up the right tree but I hope that may help in some way?! Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy.

Totally get your feelings as they’re valid. The only thing I would say is as a girl with a sister, you’re giving your daughter the most precious gift you could ever give and she is so so lucky to have a sister. My sister is my best friend and no doubt my parents felt a bit disappointed at the time but now my mum and my sister and I are all in a group chat, go shopping etc and my mum is included in everything. That will be so amazing as you get older ☺️ It doesn’t take away your feelings or the things you won’t have if you’d had a boy but there is SO much you will get to experience and itl be the best

No @Starsinthesky22 Thank you for replying, I don't really know why I feel this way and before we found out I didn't expect to feel this way either it's come as a bit if a shock, I really thought DD1 was a boy we didn't find out had a surprise, I was fine, she was the first, she's great, healthy clever everything you'd wish your child to be I felt like it took me longer to bond with her when she was born it took ages so that was one of the reasons why we wanted to find out this time. I don't know what it is inside me that's just always wanted a little boy, DH has always wanted a boy too so obviously I wanted it for him too. I mean I guess in everyone's ideal world everyone would love to choose or have one of each. This is the second and last not doing it again so I kinda feel like I'm grieving for something I've wanted that I'll never get it's so hard to explain. Had family staying all over Xmas so haven't really been able to talk to DH about it much, think my hormones are everywhere atm too

I've got 2 girls and I wouldn't change it. Thought my first was a boy...wanted a boy for my second...wasn't sure...changed mind back and forth...then she came out last minute breech with vaginal delivery but didn't breath for a few minutes...all I was hoping was this Angel to be healthy...life was hard at fist but then after a few months both my kids got used to each other and I'm so glad they have each other. Sisters have a different bond. I've got 2 myself. I'm pregnant with 3rd and don't care really.

Thank you @Starsinthesky22 @BCxx @heartbroken22 for all being so nice to me snd understanding, I guess it's hard for me to see that side of it because I haven't got a sister I did used to want one though growing up so I guess that will be lovely for DD1. She's known from the start about my pregnancy and has said from the get go she wanted a sister she doesn't fully understand she's nearly 3, but I guess that's great that she's got what she wanted.

I know how lucky and blessed I am I really do we had a couple of fertility worries when trying for DD1 And the thought of never experiencing motherhood was painful! I also had a MW apt on Friday and MW was telling me about one of her ladies she was seeing that day had been given high risk numbers for edwards syndrome and basically the pregnancy wouldn't last. She's around 15 Weeks and I just couldn't imagine going through that. I'm trying hard and I just keep reminding myself about her and what she must be going through she's probably give anything to be in my position right now 💔

My sister is my best friend and I'm so happy I have her!

@littlemousebigcheese 💗 Thank you for that I hope mine will feel the same x

Hey, I've recently been through this. I've got one older boy and he's my absolute world, when I got pregnant again I really hoped it would be a girl. We found out it was a boy and I felt how you are describing and what makes those feelings even worker is shame for feeling that way. It ruined my pregnancy ti br honest, I didn't feel I bonded with my unborn baby and I felt really rubbish about it all.

fast forward to now my baby boy is 3 months old and oh my gosh he is wonderful! The minute he was born I was besotted!!!! I said to my partner I did want a girl but the minute he was born all I wanted was him! I look back now and think maybe the gender disappointment was actually because I was struggling at the time with other things in my life and that's kind of how it manifested itself. So my advice to you would be look at what else is going on for you that you need support with.

I can now say I'd still love a girl but that's as well as my boys not instead of. Given the choice I wouldn't swap him for a girl he's my precious baby! I look back now and wish I'd known I'd feel like this as I'd have spent less time worrying while pregnant.

if we're lucky enough to have any more children I'm not finding out (I didn't with my first and it was a much better experience.)

id definitely recommend trying to work out what things in life you may be struggling with and get help for those as i really think there's more to it than hoping for a boy/girl when it turns into full blown gender disappointment

I already know I'm going to feel this way. Currently 8+6 weeks pregnant with our second. We have a two year old son who is just amazing so I'm hoping for a daughter next but there's no guarantee I'm going to get one. We're not going to find out the sex to try and mitigate this feeling for me.

In short, it's a common feeling though people don't always talk about it. It also won't last forever and doesn't mean you won't love your baby the same way as your first :)

Thank you @Starpop I'm glad to know I'm not alone, you've described exactly how I'm feeling I now just feel like my pregnancy is ruined, I don't feel a bit excited and atm just can't face buying anything, talking about anything names etc. and when friends and family ask oh a girl are you happy?! I' finding it hard then 😞 I even took my scan photos of the fridge because I just keep getting upset when ever I walk past. Sounds so dramatic I know! I can't think of anything else I'm struggling with, this baby was a surprise anyway wasn't planned at all my little girl was a tough baby and she's still hard work sometimes now she's never slept through the night she's very sassy and independent and I just can't imagine going through all of that again! I know this one will probably be so different but I'm just
So sad at the moment. My DH said maybe we shouldn't have found out but it's obviously too late now of course if we knew a few days ago what we knew now we probably would have had another surprise, the main reason we found out was so we could prepare DD1 get her used to having either a brother or a sister but obviously it's not worked out the way we wanted or hoped. Before we found out I was telling myself if was another girl so I could get used to it and not feel as disappointed but I got it so wrong and really didn't think it would affect me the way it has.

Thanks for all the help and for understanding. I'm just going to take it a day at a time and just see how it goes x

We had a girl first. When I got pregnant again we knew it was our last and I think late dh would have liked a son so was a little disappointed when we found out another girl. I was a little too. Needless to say we love her to bits and couldn't have hoped for a lovelier kid. My dds get on well and been great company for each other. They are teenagers now and I honestly couldn't have hoped for nicer kids

Bless you. It is hard. I wanted DD1 to be a boy, we had an early gender scan and found she was a girl. I took it okay there, my exH and I said there and then we would try for our boy in a few years.

We did and the result was DD2. She is amazing and I love her so much, but I was so heartbroken at her gender scan. By the time I was in my third trimester I had come around and was excited for her. I found once I had a name for her, that helped me to bond. When she was here I didn't think anything of it again. But I know how crushing it can be, when you imagine your future with your future children and you think it's coming true. However I know that all it was was a dream. Hope you're okay.

FWIW... Im currently expecting DD3 now and even though I'd have preferred a little boy, I'm okay this time and excited for her arrival.

Sending love xx

I think the fact it wasn't planned may be what's triggers it, mine wasn't either and I was almost like but if at least it's a girl then that will make coping with an unplanned pregnancy easier. I was exactly the same in fact I bought no clothes because I wanted to. It girls clothes, couldn't decide on a name because all I liked were girls names. He didn't have a name for a few days but I love the one we chose for him in the end and I love buying his cute little clothes now. I feel COMPLETELY different now to what I did whilst pregnant like night and day.

allow yourself to feel disappointed, allow yourself to practically prepare for her and concentrate on your first born for now distract yourself don't worry about how you feel just get through your pregnancy and just know once she's here you will feel different.

I have a girl and I really hope my next one's a girl too. I can't imagine my life without having my sister and want my DD to have the same.

I am a mother of 5 DSs and 1 DSS so yes I do know what you mean. But I do know that same gender siblings are very fortunate and get on so well . My DSs and DSs range from 24 to 47 and they are very close . I'm sure your lovely daughters will be the same as they grow up . Hope all goes well xx

Understand also. Have one of each and always sed i dont mind either... my little girl really wanted a sister and my husband secretly did too i could tell
so i knew they wuld be happy and that made me happy
but i culdnt shake the wanting another boy and looking ag boy outfits... kept looking at scan photos and like is that my boy?

but were having a girl found at xmas eve
and now have a 3d little face to look at im ok now and ordered some dresses aswell to keep me bonded. Its a thing and im sure when babys here ul feel different

@MrsP4 I have been feeling this way too, but have a DS and having another DS.

I think for me it’s because I know I only want two children so I’m grieving what I will never had and I think that would have been the case regardless of the sex.

For me I also think it’s because I’m finding it hard to bond with this pregnancy anyway because my toddler is obviously my priority and taking up all my physical and mental capacity.

I think it’s all healthy and normal, just maybe not talked about too much as obviously the number one priority for everyone is a healthy baby. Being grateful for what you have and being disappointed it’s not as you pictured aren’t mutually exclusive emotions.

@Starpop I found your comment really reassuring so thank you!

I don't believe the one of each is the fairytale people make it out to be.
The same gender siblings works so well in many many ways ..
clothes, playing, bond etc ..

I actually think it's worse if you find out in advance, because you have time to think about it, before you actually see your baby.
I had DS1, then 3 years later DS2. I didn't find out in advance either time. Like most people, I thought the "ideal" was one of each. So when DS2 was born and I was told he was a boy, I found myself feeling momentary disappointment. But it literally lasted a couple of seconds, because then they put him in my arms and he was just my beautiful baby. That was all I felt.

Now they're teens and I'm actually very happy I have 2 of the same sex. They have similar interests, and whilst they're very different people, they're still mates, and play football and Xbox together, and talk about boy stuff! They understand each other in a way that I don't.

Thank you so much to you all for your replies they have really helped me tonight reading through them. I really appreciate everyone's advice support, kindness and understanding and thank you for not making me feel like a terrible person/mum because that's how i've felt today last few days x