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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Unexpected pregnancy 5 months into relationship.

13 replies

Charlottenr3 · 23/12/2022 22:57

Hi , first time posting on here & wanting some advice & hear of others experiences .
I found out this week that I’m unexpectedly pregnant from my boyfriend of 5 months . We got carried away and I realised I was somewhere near my fertile window afterwards ( I do cycle tracking for contraception ) so I took the morning after pill the next day , which apparently didn’t work ( now reading online it doesn’t work if you’ve already ovulated - wtf?!) We’ve talked about kids / a family & it’s something he’s been open to but had said he’s scared of / wants to do more ‘ living ‘ before hand ( Peter Pan syndrome or what ?!) and I wanted to happen in 2-3 years time . I’m 31, he’s 36. Both own our own houses( don’t live together nor do I feel ready to live with him !!) and have good , well paid jobs . I’ve always known I’ve wanted to be a mum , but when I first found out my first thoughts were ‘ oh no , he’s not going to be happy ‘ ‘ he’s not going to want this ‘ and then not wanting it myself cause of how I thought he’d feel , so I booked a termination consultation . After sitting with it for a few days I feel oddly ready & completely wanting the baby even though it was not planned . I know me and the bf are so early on & still need to get to know each other - even more so as he works offshore 4 weeks on 4 weeks off - so I do feel like we haven’t even spent that much time together . He’s quite freaked out and has said he isn’t ready , that we are going to miss all the things that we haven’t done together yet like travelling etc and that we don’t even live together and that he’s errring on the side of termination . But he’s also said he’s not going to make me do anything I don’t want to do ( I was like don’t think you can anyway but nice sentiment hun ) I get that this is not ideal and i if I could have chosen , I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant now , but now I am , I feel really upset at the thought of having a termination . I do feel understand and also agree with the things he’s talking about and I worry about our relationship & him feeling ‘ trapped ‘ , and of course having not done a lot of normal things couples will have done before starting a family . But I just don’t think , for me , it is reason enough to not continue and my heart & gut are feeling quite firm on this . Am I making a mistake ?

OP posts:

usernamealreadytaken · 23/12/2022 23:11

It's not really an unexpected pregnancy if you were having unprotected intercourse.

Can you afford to support yourself and a child, or would it be entirely dependent on the father agreeing to pay for a child which he currently doesn't seem to want? Would you have to rely on other people to support you?

I know it's so easy to be lead by your heart, but your head needs to make some practical and moral decisions too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Charlottenr3 · 24/12/2022 08:47

I could support myself and a child financially yes ( it would be a stretch but I can do it ) My mum also lives very nearby and has said in the past if I ever did have a child on my own ( something I knew I would do maybe with a sperm donor one day anyway if I didn’t meet the right person ) she would move in with me for the first month or so to support me , so I know I’ve got that . It just feels like I’m having to chose between my relationship , or keeping the pregnancy and I am in love with my boyfriend and want things to work . But also have this like you say , emotional heart led feeling of wanting this and worrying on the flip side if I have a termination because it’s not what he wants , I won’t be able to forget and things won’t work anyway …

OP posts:

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 24/12/2022 08:51

If you’re happy to go ahead as a single parent, go for it.

I think the relationship is unlikely to keep going if you terminate when you don’t want to, because you will resent him.

ThisTimeNext · 24/12/2022 08:55

As you know it's your choice. He doesn't have that choice. This is as it should be of course - it's your body. If you want a child you'll have it - you sound as if you've already decided so it's just a question of getting on with it. He won't be happy - and I don't blame him. He was very stupid to have unprotected sex but he'll have to live with the consequences. I would expect him not to stay with you though but you never know. Good luck OP.

GingerFox2021 · 29/12/2022 01:38

Think well before you make any decision.
it sounds you really want to keep the baby. Keep it. If he doesn’t want to be involved in baby’s life - let it be. Don’t force him.
you might terminate as this is what your partner wants, but you might also live in guilt later not being strong enough to stand up for yourself to keep the baby. everyone’s is different, of course. Don’t make a rushed decision.
I would doubt the relationship will stay strong if you force yourself to terminate.
in the end, your partner might be okay once you firmly decide and he gets used to the idea of having a baby.
wish you all the best.

Eatentoomanyroses · 23/01/2023 13:36

Also think that this is not really unplanned is it? He’s not reacting as well as you’d hoped but it’s done now. The relationship probably won’t work because he’ll feel trapped. I’d cut your losses, have your baby and hope he doesn’t fight you for 50/50 access

caffelattetogo · 23/01/2023 13:44

If you want to be a mum, go for it. I have several friends who were in similar situations and kept their babies. Some of the relationships survived, others didn't but they were all glad of their child. I left it too late to conceive naturally - my fertility fell off a cliff in my 30s - but I was lucky to have successful IVF. Good luck.

ClearRunning · 23/01/2023 13:45

You both sound pretty irresponsible really with the contraception issue. I was expecting you to be really young but 31 and 36 !

However, I don’t think his feelings really come into this decision. You don’t really know him and haven’t been together long enough to know whether the relationship will work or not. Chances are it won’t. So. if you want this baby and can look after it alone, then you have it and he can decide what that means for him. Base your decision only on how you feel and your situation. It’s good you have your mum for support,

LittleLegoWoman · 23/01/2023 13:48

If you’re happy enough with the idea of being a single parent and he’s not showing any signs of being a controlling arsehole then I’d go for it.

mamaofmimiande · 23/01/2023 13:49

I was in a similar situation about 4 years ago - my contraception failed and I had been with my partner for 5 months when we found out I was 2 months pregnant. And though shocked and unsure, I ultimately decided I couldn't go through with any termination. My partner was happy to support whatever decision I came to - we both wanted children but had adventures planned first and were sad we might not get to experience those...... We went ahead and had the baby but had some realistic and blunt conversations that it may not work out and how important it was that we respect each other if it didn't work out...... Fast forward to now and we have a very happy 3.5 year old. We ultimately bought a house together when we felt the time was right and are currently 37 weeks pregnant with our second! We were very lucky and tried to take it slow (or as slow as you can when you are expecting a child) and it has worked out so well. Best decision I ever made. The adventures we were worried about losing were replaced with other adventures... Which we took our dd on with us! There can be a happy ending- but it will likely need more work than a normal relationship, and I admit I have always been sad that we will never ever be the most important thing to one another - the babies come first! Most people get a short period of being the most important!

Coffeellama · 23/01/2023 13:49

It was almost a month ago people she’s probably made the decision by now. No need to carry on criticising when it’s most likely decided either way.

Deathbyfluffy · 23/01/2023 13:52

If you want to do it and can do it, then you should do it.
I do think you're being a bit harsh on your boyfriend - he was being supportive by saying he'd support you either way, so the 'nice sentiment hun' bit it a bit unnecessary - likewise there's nothing wrong with him wanting to travel and explore the world with you too.

Both of the above are actually quite nice things for a boyfriend to say / want to do with you, maybe worth reflecting on a little. Perhaps you don't like him as much as you think you do.

BreviloquentBastard · 23/01/2023 15:48

Was he aware that you're not using any birth control at all? Both a bit irresponsible to be having unprotected sex only 5 months in, did you not get sex ed in school?

Regardless of that, what's done is done. Either way I doubt this relationship will survive - if you terminate I feel like you'll resent him, if you don't he'll probably leave. So time to decide if you're ok with being a single mum. If you are, go for it.

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