Fiancee, abortion, distant, eyes elsewhere

[Peef1988]

Not sure where to start with this one but I will try my best to keep it short and articulate. 34M and 31F

We have been together 2 1/2 years and have always spoken about starting a family. We recently booked our wedding venue for 2024 and everything was great as it has been for the majority of time that we have been together. Then a number of weeks ago, we found out that she is pregnant. We always said that if it happens great and that we would go with it.

Ever since finding out, things have not been the same. She has become distant and cold with me. We went and had a scan which showed that it was at 6 weeks, we held hands and smiled. She is now more adamenet on an abortion which is breaking my heart but I totally understand that it is not my decision and I will not be putting any pressure on her. I am not convinced deep down that this is what she wants. She had a troubled childhood with two terrible parents and it has left her with lots of trauma that she is working through. She has said previously about being scared of ended up like her parents. She is now saying that her body cannot handle a pregnancy and she is not sure that it ever will. What makes that harder to accept is that we said from very early on that we both wanted children. I also admit to being distant on the odd day since she said that she wanted an abortion, I have been trying to get my head around things.

We exchanged a few words a couple of weeks ago which she took very much to heart to the point where she removed her engagement ring and has never put it back on, saying it is now too big. I have been doing everything around the house and have had nobody to share any of the above with which means I have been bottling everything up. I called her "lazy" which I should obviously never have said. But for her to take off the ring and not put it on since at the first sign of exchanged words, really hurts.

On top of this, she is no longer present when we are out together or in the same room. She is permanently on her phone texting a "female friend" and has denied that she is talking to said person when questioned. Said friend who I know that she met on an app only last week is a lesbian. Whenever I mention her being on her phone, she gets defensive. Until a couple of weeks back, she would leave it around the flat unlocked. Today all pics of us have been deleted from her social media accounts.

It feels like she is slowly pushing me out of her life and it hurts so much not knowing why. We had a chat last night where she said it is not my fault and that I have done nothing wrong. I am so confused and don't know if this is hormones and what is real. Also trying to 2nd guess everything is painful. She is not herself and I am pretty sure not thinking rationally.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks
Ash x

Hi

I didn't want to read and run.

I think you need to have a proper sit down with her and a serious chst. You can't keep going on like this. You need to know what she is really thinking.

@passthechoc Thank you, it's nice to know that someone has read what I have written at least.

Something is going on with her for certain, but the only way you'll work it out is if you keep talking. Taking off her engagement ring and deleting photos are very symbolic, but if it's over she needs to be very clear. It could be that the pregnancy is triggering past trauma. Can you go to counselling to see if you can work through it, or at least understand?

What a horrible situation. It sounds like she has checked out of the relationship, but whether that's a permanent thing, or just a response to whatever's going on in her head atm, who knows.

As difficult as it will be, I think you should maybe broach the subject of the abortion and offer her your full support. I'm glad you recognise that it's your decision, however contrary to your own wishes it might be. Maybe then you'll be able to have the next conversation, i.e. about whether she still wants to be with you.

Good luck - really sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like you need to try and sit with her and see if she will share her reasons for wanting a termination. Pregnancy isn't as easy as alot of women think it will be, for some women it can be horrifically draining and you can feel so unwell that it really starts to impact on your daily life and mental health.
It may also be worrying her that it's not the right time, you've just booked a wedding etc.
Has she contacted an abortion clinic? They will usually offer counselling before and after the termination.

As much as others may disagree or you may not think there's a need, I'd recommend grovelling regards the lazy comment. Don't question who she is talking to, just offer reassurances that you are there for her to talk to etc.

It may be that she doesn't want to stay and she's preparing to make huge changes, but also she may just really emotionally be a bit of a mess right now.

I hope it works out for you.

hi Ash
you sound like a good person you are being considerate and caring and respectful of your partner. I am sure your partner is also fundamentally a good person but she has bern thrown into turmoil by this unexpected event.
we don't know everything that's going on for her, but my speculation is that something has "clicked into place" for her that she's been on a railroad to a destination she's no longer sure is right for her. it's easy to get swept along in a tide towards domestic bliss and suddenly you've lost your career (because nursery fees blah blah blah) and are elbow deep in nappies with a toddler and another on the way before you find the self-confidence to even question whether that's what you really want, or whether the perfectly nice, kind and amiable young man who proposed to you genuinely is a soulmate with whom you want to spend the next 60 years or whether maybe there's paths you haven't explored yet, maybe even uncertainty about sexuality, and yet time doesn't stop and everything rolls on and a pregnancy is a real wake-up call because there's no time to vascillate, time moves on and you either have to wholeheartedly accept an entire new human who will be dependent on you for the best part of 20 years, or if you don't want that to happen you need to act fast. and if you realise that you aren't really sure who you even are then it's all a bit overwhelming.

I realise this doesn't help you because it's my own imaginative speculation rather than an actual transcript of her mind.

you are right that this has to be her choice. both whether to be a mother and whether this relationship is right for her. all you can do is let her know you love her and will support her freedom to choose her destiny whatever that may be.

@Alexandernevermind she has said exactly that, her therapist has told her that it is bringing up and has triggered past trauma.
I do think couples therapy may well be an option as she rarely properly opens up to me without a reaction or being defensive. She has been seeing a therapist for over a year once a week and is fully aware of the amount of trauma that she has to work through.
Thank you for your comment

@FetchezLaVache that is how it feels but I don't want to make any big decisions or do anything rash all the time that she is pregnant and I have no idea if she is thinking rationally.
Thank you for your comment.

@Atmywitsend29 her reasons are that she doesn't wasn't to lose her career or be a crap parent like hers were. We will see babies when we are out and I can tell she gets broody from her reactions so this is another reason I am struggling to get my head around the situation. She spoke with the clinic last week and has said that she is moving things forward this week.
Noted on the lazy comment.
Thank you for your thoughts.

We exchanged a few words a couple of weeks ago which she took very much to heart to the point where she removed her engagement ring

you kinda glossed over what seems to be a relevant incident. Care to elaborate on the words exchanged?

@FaazoHuyzeoSix
Thank you for your kind words.
She is indeed a good person but is very damaged from past trauma and it is so sad to see. The pregnancy has been a "trigger" in her words so what you have said about the railroad makes sense.
She was away for "work" last night which is a 2 1/2 hour drive to another office but is very close to where this "friend" lives. She didn't speak to me all evening which is unheard of, I need to confront her about things and talk them through as adults. Also just received a text saying that she is away this weekend. It hurts so much questioning someone that I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. I feel that she is slowly departing and I have to accept that but not easy when she is carrying our baby still.

@LaLuz7 Hi, I called her "lazy" which I should obviously never have said.
She said it was a personal attack and that I had broke her heart by saying what I did. I understand that she got upset but it did feel like a complete overreaction to a few words being exchanged.

sorry for how things turned out.
you tried to talk to her, and maybe have a couples counselling?
other than that you cant do anything else i think.
wait and see.

the 'lazy' word shouldnt cause that much problem and resolved by talking to each other.

I think she's cheating. I could be wrong but sounds like she's cheating/hiding something. Try have a conversation and talk it out and see what she says, it could be the pregnancy as hormones and a new pregnancy is stressful so maybe she has just become distant. I would ask to see her phone and just look for reassurance as then you know. Good luck hope it all works out for you and you both sort it out!