Stress and bereavement in pregnancy

[Leaf86]

I’m currently 15+2 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. We lost our first baby due to a TFMR this time last year.

I have had a bit of a rubbish two weeks. My mother in law has just had a heart attack this weekend (she’s still in hospital and stable) - we are very close to her. My father in law has serious mental health issues so the whole thing has been very stressful and worrying. They are about four hours away and when we were coming back into London last night we got stranded in the snow. We had our two dogs with us and we ended up abandoning the car and walking miles to my friends place who put us up in the early hours of the morning. On top of all that, a beloved family member on my side of the family is receiving end of life care and has recently moved from hospital to home to essentially die. I was with them last weekend and will probably go next weekend too.

I’ve just found the last two weeks and particularly the last 48 hours really stressful and scary. I’m desperate for this baby to be ok. I have already been very anxious wondering whether I am doing anything wrong in this pregnancy that might cause the same issue as impacted our son. I guess I was just wondering if there was any one else out there who had a particularly anxious or stressful pregnancy and the baby was ok. I’m feeling really low about everything.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful time. If it helps at all when I was just over 15 weeks pregnant with my DS when my mum who I was very close to was diagnosed with cancer. It was completely out of the blue and an awful and stressful 3 months with her in and out of hospital before passing away. Then all the funeral etc. Then my son was born about 6 weeks later absolutely fine and he’s now a lovely 11 year old and no different to his brother where there was no real stress in pregnancy. I hope all goes well for you, just take care of yourself where you can. X

I'm very very sorry to hear all of that. It's a lot to deal with.

I've had two pregnancies with high levels of stress and sadness, and both babies were fine, and have grown into happy, cheerful, and relaxed 3 and 1 year olds respectively. In fact my third pregnancy coincided with a really awful, stressful year for me and DH, we had two very close bereavements, parents' serious illness, pregnancy-illness for me, DH redundancy, a massive house renovation (that we nearly couldn't pay for because of redundancy), Covid, hospital stays for our older child, and massive work and relationship stress. I would say it was the worst year of my life. But she is the happiest, healthiest baby of all three.

I'm not surprised you're worried, not because what you described sounds particularly risky but because it's so hard to be pregnant after a loss anyway, and you've got an awful lot to deal with on top of that. But try not to worry, and be really kind to yourself.

My sister was pregnant when our mum died.. My niece is a very healthy 7 year old now

But please keep an eye on yourself as postpartum depression may be more likely at such a time

My dad died 10 weeks before my pfb was due. Please do look after yourself. Make sure you get to relax, do nothing and sit with your feet up at few times a day to chill. It will all be OK. But make you your priority right now. I had pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy but I don't think it was related. But I remember the stress and wanting to push through everything, went back to work. God knows why in hindsight. If you even only take two 30 minute breaks and sit still and think to yourself, have I eaten? Have I drunk enough? Do I feel stressed? Am I tired? Did I exercise much yesterday? I think that could centre you. I didn't do that at all. I just thought how well I was juggling stuff and soldering on. Don't do that.

You be OK. I'm sorry this happening but honestly this is part of being a mum. Stuff still happens when you have a newborn, toddler, teen doing exams so get practicing looking after you. You can't pour from a empty jug as they say

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm so sorry to hear of your previous loss and all that you are facing at the moment
I had a TFMR at close to 24 weeks with DS1 and it took us over a year afterwards to conceive DS2. DH and I had a very challenging time during the pandemic and I also lost a very dear friend to Covid. I had severe depression and anxiety throughout my second pregnancy and suffered with postnatal anxiety afterwards BUT DS2 was absolutely fine and I am a lot better now. Got a lot of support from midwives and GPs during my pregnancy and thereafter and Mumsnet was a godsend too - keep posting here, if it helps.

I wish you, your baby and your family all the best - please be kind to yourself during this difficult time.

Me. I had a traumatic, sudden bereavement right when I got pregnant and developed crippling pre-natal anxiety and depression including regular panic attacks and raging insomnia. DS is absolutely fine, born at 7.5lbs. The absolute chillest baby you could imagine.

Also, if you really want stressful, my dad was born in a tent, in a refugee camp after his parents had to flee for their lives from an oppressive regime while my grandma was pregnant. He's one of the most robustly healthy people I know other than messing up his knee playing football when he was in his 20s.

I don't say this to belittle your feelings by the way, I want you to know that people have babies in terrible, awful stressful circumstances all the time. The babies still come, and more often than not, the babies are fine.

Thank you so much to everyone - honestly, it’s like a balm reading your replies. I’m going to bookmark the thread for my bad days.. I’m so glad your babies (and @allfurcoatnoknickers your dad!) were OK and I’m so sorry for your losses and traumas too.
I do know it could be so much worse and there’s a lot still to be grateful for. I think this last weekend it just all came at once and of course, I worry worse still to come. I will try and take it day by day.

@Bells3032 it’s a really fair point about PND. It has occurred to me as it’s been a pretty shit year since we lost the baby and then went into IVF to try again. I’ll keep an eye. X

Hi OP, I also lost my first baby to TFMR last year at 33 weeks. I found out I was pregnant 6 months later (a year to the day that we found out we were expecting our son), so it was an incredibly anxious 9 months.
I was so stressed, I was having panic attacks, I was also finishing a dissertation for my Master's Degree - so I felt stressed probably 99% of the time.
My daughter arrived in August. She is perfect! She is healthy and she is SO chilled out and happy. We always get comments about how happy and smiley she is! Try not to worry 💙

22 years ago I was about 18 weeks pregnant with dc1. One day I woke up with crippling stomach pains. I want to the GP, who barked one word at me, “Stress.” He then thought to ask whether I was stressed. A couple of weeks earlier I had married. DH and I were swapping jobs. We were in the process of moving to an entirely new area, and had to find a house there. My cousin had just dropped dead. My sister was in and out of ITU, and wasn’t expected to survive. Yes I was stressed.

The GP then barked at me again, “Of course you’re stressed. Just don’t get stressed about being stressed.” Advice which I held on to, throughout the pregnancy.

That child graduated last week (Mumsnet approved boast - first, RG). She’s doing okay, despite the stress in utero.

Oh it's so hard, I really feel for you. But sadly seems quite common to have stress in pregnancy, so please don't feel alone.

My first pregnancy we lost DFIL quite quickly when I was 14 weeks pregnant.

Second pregnancy at 31 weeks DM was diagnosed with cancer, I moved house at 36 weeks, DM died at 37 weeks. Had the baby a week after the funeral.

Third baby we went into lockdown a week after my 12 week scan. DH lost all his work overnight.

My advice is cry when you can, just let it all out. Look at doing some pregnancy yoga it really helps relax you. Try and rest when you can. It's also ok to put yourself first some days, and don't feel guilty doing so! Take care and I wish you all the best

Forgot to say ... babies were all fine!!!