DH changes mind on trying for a 2nd. Positive pregnancy test today.

[Growingyou]

I’ve NC here but am a regular with another name.

Please help me sort through my thoughts and next steps… I feel like I can’t talk to anyone in RL about this.

DH & I always thought we’d have 3 kids (both enjoying life with siblings ourselves). Our first DC is 18 months old. We love him to bits but his sleep is still a huge issue. We’ve seen sleep consultants and even been in a residential facility for 5 nights to try to improve the situation. We have accepted that we have a very sensitive little soul who startles easily and requires more help than most, but there are still mornings DH & I look at eachother like “that night was hell”.

We had a short stretch of better sleep and it was like seeing the light, we thought we had turned a corner. DH optimistically proposed starting to try again for DC2 “now that we all sleep”.

Alas, our sleep was short lived, and DH admitted a few days ago that he’s questioning ever having a second. We agreed we might be one and done.

I am still breastfeeding so periods are slightly irregular, and yesterday my breasts started to feel very very sensitive. I did not think we had had sex when I could be ovulating, but we have. I tested positive this morning.

I am not considering abortion, but I do feel like I need some time to think through how I break this news to DH. I feel guilty DC1 was conceived with so much good intention and the pregnancy was a time of excitement, and potential DC2 is a surprise and not so welcome. I feel anxious that family will judge us for conceiving again when i look like an exhausted shell of a human already. I’m questioning whether I have the energy to do this again.

I obviously know sex without contraception is a bad idea and that I should’ve thought more deeply about this beforehand. Has anyone been in this position? I’m sure it sounds crazy but I almost feel like we need some kind of counselling to reflect on the challenge of DC1 in order to get our tired tired brains prepared for DC2. Does this exist? Do I try to still make telling my DH about the pregnancy exciting (e.g Christmas Day surprise) or do I just admit todays result and see what happens…

Just tell him.

It was his idea to try and it worked. He can't be that shocked.

Absolutely 100% do not tell him on Christmas Day.

tell him today.

for what it’s worth, when me and DH were trying for DC3 we changed our minds and decided to stick at 2. Found out I was pregnant 48 hours later. It happens!

This

Yes 100% tell him

I’m sure I’m being overly sensitive but I feel like I won’t handle well if his reaction isn’t positive. Very unrealistic I know.

I think you're overthinking it.
Just tell him - He wanted a baby, he had unprotected sex with you and now you're pregnant and you want to continue with the pregnancy. Simple.

Tell him today. Just explain you were late and his suggestion to try worked. It was, after all, his idea. Tell him you need time to let it sink in and leave him to his own thoughts if you think his response might upset you. You don’t need his reaction. You can regroup later. Sleep issues were a huge thing for us but they did resolve themselves by two years.

Just tell him today. Do not wait till Christmas Day.

@Growingyou after agreeing to try for a 3rd (IVF so very much a will we won’t we decision) DH and I had a (very drunken)heart to heart and he said he was certain that he was happy with two and didn’t want to try for another… 6 days later I tested positive with a shocking spontaneous pregnancy (after being told it was impossible!). Of course DH was surprised but he agrees it was meant to be and he was very quickly getting exciting about the impending arrival (even if we joke that we will never sleep again)

Tell your DH, I’m sure he’ll be happy… and who knows, in 9 months time your DC might be sleeping 12 hours a night (we live in hope!)

18 months is still very young and poor sleep isn’t unexpected. Having said that if it’s well beyond the norm (norm being 3-5 wake up a night and split might) then it maybe worth exploring allergies or other concerns.

I agree with other, just tell him now.

Tell him. It will be ok. Your DC1 sleep will gradually improve and eventually they all sleep better. I’m sure you’ve explored many options, so apologies if my advice is not welcome:

• Big floor bed in DC1 room - after first wake your DH joins DC1 and co-sleep for the rest of the night (follow safe sleeping guidance)
• You safely co-sleep with DC2 in your bedroom

While waiting for baby to arrive, you and DH could take turns so each of you can have some sleep.

Please tell him before Christmas. You don't want to be dealing with the emotional upheaval of processing the news in the middle of celebrations.

dont tell him on christmas day, if he doesnt react positively then it could ruin christmas for you all

OP I was in a very similar situation.

I thought I was one and done and then found out at 7 weeks I was pregnant with DD2. I wasn't on contraception but was breastfeeding and hadn't even gotten a period yet.

DH never explicitly said he didn't want more children, just 'not yet'. Similarly, we've always had problems with DD1's sleep. She's 21 months and we still lay with her to fall asleep and she still wakes throughout the night.

DH was shocked when he found out, but nonetheless, happy. Your 18 month's old sleep isn't going to be shit forever. It may take a while for you both to feel happy or excited about the prospect of having a second child, but you will get there.

Congratulations OP.

We were positive we wanted 2 DC but then when we had our DD we went through phases of "no way, never again" to "lets have another".
We hadn't been getting great sleep but we'd had the conversation of trying to have another before DD was 2 (or around then). Didn't really think much more about it, the 1 time we found a moment to actually DTD we fell pregnant.
DC2 is due end of Jan and DD will be 18 months. I still have moments now where I think "wtf are we doing having a second" but that's usually if DD has a bad night, luckily not as common at the minute.

Definitely tell him, it's happening now and something you did want. Sleep changes so much that by the time DC2 is born it will be different to how it is now.
Congratulations x

He suggested bashing on and trying ...... the inevitable has happened. He will just have to be a big boy and deal with it, as you are.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - you have absolutely no reason at all to feel bad about this or to be tiptoeing around him thinking whether/how you should tell him. This was a joint venture and has to be faced together!

He's your partner in life and was 100% part of the decision to TTC so just tell him and deal with the result together. You can both be sad, worried and whatever together. Whatever happens you need to face it as a couple.

You are catastrophising I think....I say this in the nicest way. When you are sleep deprived, it takes over your entire life and you can become obsessed with it. I genuinely became sleep obsessed when my youngest was tiny. Reality is, this exhausted period is a temporary thing. One day you will look back on it and wonder how you got through it....but it's temporary.

His reaction might not be immediately positive, but it sounds like your reaction isn’t overly positive either. You are wanting to take a few days to process this and it’s reasonable to expect that your DP will need processing time too. It’s not fair to expect him to have to lie or hide his initial emotions and it’s okay if he is initially unsure how he feels about it. The good news is a pregnancy is 9 months long high gives plenty of time for you both to get your heads around things and get used to the idea of another baby before baby is actually here and baby will never need to know how either of you were feeling before his/ her arrival.

Thank you so much for your own stories.

And yes, not fair to expect DH to be instantly positive. I guess there is an element of me that thinks our conversation about TTC again felt very hypothetical, rather than an intention to immediately begin trying. We took 7 months to become pregnant w DC1 so (stupidly) I imagine we were both thinking this would take some time.

@Comedycook you’re right - I am sleep obsessed and it’s skewing my judgment of everything. Thank you for putting it in perspective.

Noted on the not dropping this bombshell on Christmas Day!!

ok now just to think up the right way to just throw this out there. I wish in hindsight now I had said I’d take a test.

There is no right way you have to just tell him.

Imo night weaning is life changing for the whole family.
And for your dc when the new dc arrives that independence doesn't coincide with new sibling arriving..

Put a beer or drink of his choice in his hand, make sure he is sat down and dc1 is out of the way or asleep and tell him.
Don’t think about the right way to tell him. Just tell him sooner than later otherwise all you’ll do is stress.
(Can you tell I’ve been in a similar situation)

My second childhood was 3 months old when I fell pregnant again. It was "madness" to not consider unprotected sex and its realities. My God! Haha!

We were shocked but made the best of it. I co-slept with new baby in master bedroom and my husband slept next door with our daughter as she still woke during the night but once he was in with her that stopped. Not conventional but we got the sleep we needed and as a result life was so much easier to manage.

You can do it! Best of luck.

Tell him - and look, DS1 was still having night feeds at 18 months (TBH, I'm not sure how I survived looking back!) but DS2 slept through from 8 months, and at 3, some switch flicked in DS1's head and he became a dream sleeper (which is how DS2 came about.. not knowing what to do with our evenings anymore :D)

My friends still have some issues with their kids, but both of mine just go to bed when they're told, and wake up when they're ready 99.99% of the time (I would like it if they'd sleep in past 6am, but since they go to bed on time, and it means I don't have to shovel them out of bed for school, I'm not going to complain!). And I'll emphasise, none of this was me - this was all them (although I'd think that DS1's had a good influence on DS2), just how they were made.

They're all totally different, one tricky sleeper doesn't mean the next will be.