Need to vent

[Gawdknows]

I need a safe space to get this out.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Planned pregnancy.

I have already got a DS who is 3.5.

DS was very poorly when he was born with a brain injury. You wouldn't know, he looks/acts as a 'normal' child.

The trauma surrounding this with him being in ICU really affected me as a first time mum & an already anxious person. It has left me with a high level of health anxiety.

The last 2 years I've been on medication for the anxiety. I've had CBT & EMDR. All to process the trauma but also to give me the confidence to be brave enough to have another child. No longer on the medication since TTC.

So here I am, pregnant, & I should be happy.

But I'm not, I'm fucking terrified.

I feel very, very low. I feel very distant from DH & DS. I keep looking at abortion options just so I don't keep feeling like this. I get catastrophic thoughts so most of my day is spent imagining my baby will again be rushed to ICU or will be born with a disability.. it's not about the disability.. it's about me & my ability to cope in the future.
I don't feel I'm coping now. I feel the opposite of resilient.

I've also slipped a disc in my back & I can't take any pain relief above paracetamol. I've been told they don't know how long it'll take to be sorted & the pregnancy will only complicate this. I can be in agony at times in the day & the thought of only getting heavier & putting more strain on my back is making me sad.

I really didn't want DS to be an only child & I have thought this through for so long, it's not been a rushed decision. I just feel whatever I do I'll end up with regrets.

Thank you to anyone if you bothered to read this far.

Can you speak with your midwifery team about bringing forward your booking appointment and discussing perinatal mental health support?

I’ve been referred to my local perinatal mental health team after going through multiple losses, including a stillbirth in the second trimester, and it’s helped to know there’s someone there to talk things through with. Sometimes, just getting something organised can take a weight off and help you feel less alone.

Hope you begin to feel lighter soon and that you can get the physical support you need for your back. That must be very difficult in pregnancy.

@MyEasterEggs thank you for your reply & I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I haven't even contacted the midwives yet, partly because I had a bad experience with one of them when pregnant with my son, but I probably should crack on. (I promise I'm not as miserable & negative about everyone/everything as I have been in this post!) you're right though, I will try to seek some support. Good luck/congratulations to you xx