Gender disappointment - struggling with loss again

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I never thought this would be an issue for me and I have to admit to rolling my eyes when I have read other posts about being disappointed when finding out the gender. But I am really struggling with this.

I think my history will explain why I’m struggling so much and it may be triggering for some.

4 years ago I fell pregnant with our first, a DD. Sadly DD was stillborn, we lost her right at the end during labour. We subsequently found out her death was avoidable. We were obviously completely devastated and still struggle with the loss now, although to a lesser extent. This time of year is particularly hard.

2 years ago we had our second, DS. He is an absolute joy and the light of our lives. He has helped us heal immensely, and brought happiness back into our lives.

We’re currently expecting our third and last baby and have just been for a scan. I had convinced myself this would be a girl and I had hoped for a girl if I’m honest. I’ve felt that DD was taken from us and I was hoping we could have another DD and put to use the clothes and bits we’ve saved for four years. However, we found out we’re having another boy and I am struggling with the loss of never having a DD at home with us.

I think it’s the fact that we were so close to having DD here that I thought another DD could help heal us a bit more. Not as a replacement of course but just to fill a little more of the hole in our hearts.

Im sure I’ll get over it and I’ll love the baby just as much as a DD when he’s here but I keep looking at little girls and thinking we’ll never get that. It’s made the loss of DD more tangible again.

Not sure what I’m hoping for from this, maybe a gentle kick up the bum and some understanding. I feel guilty for the disappointment but I can’t help it.

Totally understandable to feel that way. I lost DD1 neonatally. We have gone on to have another DD and a DS. But when he was born I kept thinking my family should have been 2DDs. Also felt guilty for thinking it.

DS is amazing and cannot imagine life without him now.

Pregnancy after loss will always make you think more about what you have lost. But don't feel bad for how you feel.

I'm so sorry for your loss. We have a very similar story - or first DC, our DD died as a baby then we had two DSs. I was very sad when we found out. I felt like I had grieved for my DD but then had to grieve for not having any daughter. When my DS2 was born though, I felt nothing but complete love. I still often feel very sad and angry that I was made to feel desperate for a DD because I had once, then not given another. But I also recognise now that it's just a place that my grief has lodged. All that pain would still be there if we did have another DD. I found talking to a counsellor really helpful to work though those feelings. I hope you find a way to navigate through your feelings. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry you both suffered losses as well.

@ThisOneNow you’ve hit the nail on head for me. We had a DD who was taken from us and now we’ll never have another and know what it’s like to raise a DD.

I think also that I keep thinking that I’ll love this baby more than anything once they’re here, but I know these feeling will rise up again when other family and friends go onto have more babies and inevitably girls. DS has a cousin very close in age and I suspect my sister will have more down the line. I know if she has a girl it will bring up a lot of pain again.

Yes, my brother has just had a baby girl and I have been pretty shocked by how painful I have found it. I hate feeling like this because it doesn't affect what I have, and I should just feel happy be for them. But it really, really hurts to be reminded of what we don't have.

I'm so sorry op.

I was sort of the opposite, my son died, 3 years later I was pregnant again and it was another son.

I felt like I was doing my first son a disservice, like I was replacing him somehow and I really struggled with it.

Some years later I had my daughter who died, and when I found out I was pregnant again it was another little girl and I went through the same thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that either way you would have mixed feelings and it would be really bitter sweet, and it's totally understandable.

People place the expectation on you that you should be happy and move on when you're a bereaved parent who goes on to have another child. The reality is a huge bag of mixed emotions, that can sometimes change daily.

Speaking from my experience of having a child of the same sex after my children died that 'what if' pang is still there, each milestone your child hits still hurts because it's a reminder of what you missed out on.

Its just one of these awful things that we struggle with when we are on this path

16 years ago today, my daughter was stillborn, following a completely avoidable cord prolapse (long story, very dramatic, but not really the point here!). She was my third child, after 2 sons. The next two were also boys.

I know exactly what you mean. I have never for one second wanted to change anything about my sons, and I am aware of exactly how blessed I have been to have had them. But if I could have chosen, I would have wanted a girl. Not because girls are in any way "better" but because that was one of the things that was special and different about her, and it is one thing that I can now never experience.

There is no right way to feel. We all cope differently, and you are still really in the thick of it. Time does ease the pain and it does just become part of who you are, but I don't think I would ever have been able to admit to feeling bereft about never having a girl if it wasn't for MN. I certainly couldn't say it out loud to anyone. I wish you all the best and I hope that this thread has shown that you are at least not alone.

My daughter died of leukaemia when she was nearly two. I am pregnant now, around 19 weeks. I haven't found out the gender as I know I will be so disappointed if we are having a boy. I always wanted a girl and was so thankful when we had her but then we lost her. I know I will really struggle with this pregnancy if I know it's a boy, even more than I'm struggling already. My husband feels the same. I think also because she was so so wonderful and although I know this baby isn't her, the longing for her is still huge. I'm hoping if I wait and find out when baby is born I will just be so in love that it won't matter either way. I'm sorry to hear of so many losses. This life is incredibly hard.

Hello @Shefliesonherownwings

Just looking up this topic on Xmas morning, as you do! Came across your post. I think it’s the most recent. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the losses of the other mums who have posted. I have lost 4 babies - 3 at 10 weeks and 1 at 24 weeks. I have no living children but I love my lost babies very much. We had two babies tested and they were both very poorly and girls. My big baby was a lovely girl. We weren’t going to find out before the birth, but when we found out she was very poorly we asked the sex as it was a bit of info we would be happy about, whatever. I’m not pregnant again yet but doing IVF in new year, and this is something I get upset about. I agree with all previous posters that it’s a part of grief, and totally understandable, and you shouldn’t feel any guilt. I also wanted to add: my body sometimes surprises/shocks me by asking, “so when is DD getting here?” about my big girl. On her birthday, which was recently, after her party at her resting place we came home and I felt like my body was looking around for something and I realised it (it doesn’t feel like “thinking me” - more “physical/animal/biological mother-me”) was thinking “so NOW is she going to be here?” And it’s Xmas morning and I feel the same. “Okay, I’ve put her present under the tree and made plans to go to her resting place this morning… NOW is she going to be here?”

I would love to be a mum to babies of both sexes, but time is ticking on. I think about being told my baby is a boy and I feel so bad for him that I might feel upset for a moment, but I know as well that - while it’s partly about more practical things, like thinking it might be easier to be able to pass on my understanding of life if the baby is the same sex as me as women do experience many things unique to our sex (like discrimination! Actually mostly bad things!) - mainly it’s that part of me, deep inside, still is so hopeful that it’s all been a terrible mistake and my baby girl will come back to me, healthy and able to live a pain-free, happy life. And I think if my next baby is a boy, I will of course love him so much, but I’ll also on some level be thinking, “but I did all the work of working through grief, being “good”, smiling, getting up every morning, getting pregnant again… isn’t she coming back now?”

I hope you are doing well op! I never had a preference for one sex over the other but lost my first, a daughter, at 36 hours old. I’m now 37 weeks pregnant with a son. When I found out he was a boy I cried. I wanted a girl who might give me glimpses of who my daughter could have been. It was silly of me because every child is different. Our situations are not the same, but grief is hard. Be kind to yourself. Your son will be lovely and your two boys will have a brother relationship that will be a joy to watch.

This thread hit the right place on my heart!!
I lost my DS when I was 20 weeks pregnant, after an year I was blessed with DD, Somewhere i was hoping for DS to be back to me.
Now I found out am pregnant again and still 6 weeks but hoping badly for DS; Also I m guilty for that.
If I find out is it's DD again I would be disappointed again.
I never thought gender would matter to me one day as I always believed it's about the person not the gender!! But losses make us feel completely different persona

Totally understandable. My first baby, my daughter, is 4 and I had a totally healthy pregnancy. My second, we had problems from the onset and our son was stillborn at 30 weeks last year. I'm now about to be induced tomorrow, to another baby girl. We had a lot of mixed feelings about not having a boy as this is definitely our last baby. I can't put myself through it again.

Can't offer much advice, but just to say you are not alone x