Visitors after birth

[OrcaBlondie]

I am just looking for some advice really on how to handle a situation. I am already panicking about visitors after birth - particularly (mostly just) my sister in laws husband. We don’t really get on, he ALWAYS wants to be involved, hates being left out and always rubs me up the wrong way when in my company just by being too over familiar and saying the wrong things (he isn’t nasty just doesn’t really understand boundaries and lacks social skills). I am close to my SIL and my husband is close to her (being his sister) and so naturally we want her to visit baby very soon after birth (once we feel ready for visitors). However, I already know I really really really won’t want her husband to come with her, and my husband feels the same way. I feel whatever I say will offend her/them. I know he will expect he can come and visit too, and will visit every single time she does without checking it’s ok first. I just don’t want him around so soon after birth when I’m likely to be feeling emotional and tired with the risk of him saying the wrong things. He is the type who would want to hold baby as soon as he arrives even before any immediate family who might be there too have a chance to. I plan to breastfeed and know I will not want to do this infront of him especially if my confidence is low with this in the beginning. I am quite a private person. I live in a flat so not much space for me to go and breastfeed elsewhere and, in all honesty, he is the type who would come in to the room where I’ve moved to breastfeed because he doesn’t understand/respect privacy.

He has been the only person to touch my bump without asking throughout my pregnancy. He has done it multiple times despite me asking him not to and telling him why he shouldn’t.

I just want to prepare myself to know what will be best to say because I know I’ll have to actually say to my SIL that we only want her over and her husband can visit another time maybe after a few weeks when we are more settled. And I know it is my choice, but I am still worried about offending them both. Any advice on how to approach this or maybe a way of wording it? I am hoping I might feel different after the birth and won’t mind him coming too, but I’m 90% sure I won’t want him there.

Ooh, tricky. As this is DH’s family I think he has to deal with this one.

I think the bump-touching is useful actually, because it’s a good example for him to give to his sister: “Orca’s feeling quite vulnerable after the birth and you know what Dave’s like – he never stopped touching her bump despite her asking, you know? Best if he delays visiting til Orca’s back to her usual self and able to tell him to back off herself, haha!”

The other option is they both visit but DH polices hard: you move into the bedroom to feed and if BIL moves an inch, DH body blocks.

As above. You could also delay them coming for the first week (or two). Give yourself a bit of a chance to get over the physical side of birth.

I would also get your DH to speak to his sister, but i wouldn't take the approach above 'you know what he's like'. It's more likely to offend and it suggests the behaviour is ok at other times.
Use the example of touching the bump, say it's not on, and lay down the ground rules for visitors. Emphasise it will most likely need to be a short visit so you can have privacy to feed.

I can't believe he'd just wander uninvited into a room where you're feeding and your SIL wouldn't think that out of order.

If you don’t want to make it look personal could you say that you only really feel comfortable inviting women over in the early weeks whilst you’re establishing breast feeding and so tell your SIL you’re happy for her to visit but that you won’t feel ready to have her husband yet. Depending on whether there are make relatives you will want over you may be able to change your exact reasoning slightly, eg: excluding your father/ brother you don’t want any men.

Thanks all for your replies. Some good pointers made. It is stressing me out way more than it should be, and I often lay awake at night thinking about it and how best to approach it.

The trouble is, my SIL understands what he is like and knows most of the things he does is not ok but she says it is the way he is and he can’t help it which makes it very difficult. She would tell him not to come into the room if I chose to move away to breastfeed but he would do it before she had a chance to tell him not to.

I guess we will just have to wait and see how it all unfolds once baby is here, and I’ll try and not stress about it in the meantime!

FWIW I don’t think you’re stressing unreasonably! Breastfeeding is a tough gig to get going and it’s infinitely easier when you’re comfortable – physically and mentally – and can sit around topless or virtually so. The early days there’s a lot of squishing your boob into funny shapes and performing manoeuvres, positioning the baby, both boobs overflowing (hormones too), sleep deprivation, etc. (Er, it’s really good once you’re in the swing! Promise.) You don’t want to be trying to latch and relatch a grouchy newborn in just your nursing bra in your bedroom while on high alert for the door handle turning because Nosy Kev has no boundaries.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed about a condition that disinhibits him, he absolutely can help it. (And it still wouldn’t be OK if he couldn’t help it; your bump is yours, not his!) Sounds like DH needs to talk to SIL and invite her only, and that she will know exactly why.

Hi op, I totally get this. I was very clear with everyone that we wouldn't be having any visitors except once from each set of grandparents in the first week after baby arrived. I'm establishing bf and its really difficult to relax and get settled into it when there's people in the house to be honest and you feel like you can't feed on baby's schedule which is exactly what you need to do to promote your supply, practice latch etc etc. When we went for our first appointment the midwife told us not to have visitors for a week or so and just focus on doing loads of skin to skin contact (walking around in your bra and dressing gown and naked baby is impossible with visits) so I was delighted because then we just blamed it on her and said we were just doing what we'd been told. So just tell them your midwife said you need to really reduce numbers and you aren't comfortable with males visiting while you're so newly post partum and recovering.

This is the one time you get to set the rules, people get stupidly excited over new babies and forget themselves so you will need your partner to be fully prepared to back you on this. I don't think you need to say anything to anyone. He needs to message his sister and say female only short visits for the first while until you get recovered and feeding established.

Your bil sounds like a creep tbh. If he turns up then I'd expect dh to be at the door saying, thanks for dropping sil off we'll let you know when she needs a lift home. And close the door on him. You will have enough on your plate and hormonal etc, it's his job to be bouncer. Also, it's your baby. You are the boss and its the one time you've earned the right to be an absolute diva. Noone sees the baby without your say so. Noone holds the baby unless you offer. If you get unsolicited advice you smile and say that's good to know and then let it fly straight out the other ear. Newborn period goes so fast and you don't know how your delivery will go or how you'll feel so the less pressure you put on yourself the better. Just make sure dh is well informed of his role and you make an agreement on who will visit when so he's on top of it and you can prepare people with your boundaries before baby arrives.

He sounds like a creep tbh - don't be afraid to give him a left hook if he invades you like that again

‘No’ is a full sentence. This is the time to use it.

Don’t let someone into your home who obviously chooses not to respect you. You owe him absolutely no explanation at all.

my SIL understands what he is like and knows most of the things he does is not ok but she says it is the way he is and he can’t help it
In which case she can be neither suprised nor offended that it is impossible for him to come to the house.

Your husband should be doing the heavy lifting on this one.