Unexpected pregnancy

[Levi18]

Misleading title, haven’t been trying to get pregnant however also not on any contraception, just been trying to track my cycle has been successful until now which I know shouldn’t be unexpected but it feels like a shock.

So me (31) and my boyfriend (30) have been together just 7 months, did a test yesterday after a missed period looks like I’m 4 weeks 2 days.

We have previously spoken in depth about having children and why I'm not on birth control, basically I was going to start looking at sperm donation if I didn’t meet anyone this year as I had fertility concerns, family history of early menopause (grandma/mum/aunt all mid to late 30s) so I had a few fertility tests my AMH is very low 2.8. I have told him I want to have children in the next year to 2 years max. He said he wasn’t ready I absolutely agreed said we obviously need to get to know each other more and experience life together, trips away etc. He’s also financially not ready has debts including a ccj, lives with parents, I live on my own with a mortgage.

I am in 2 minds I haven’t told anyone, yet, I feel really guilty like I’m putting on him, it’s my fault I obviously misjudged my ovulation last month, he spoke to me just last week about how he thinks we need to be more careful and that he worries that we could have an ‘accident’ and that he trusts me to keep track of my cycle, I feel like I’ve broken the trust. How do I tell him, it’s early days so I know things aren’t set in stone and things could happen. Can I wait another week or 2?

Hi OP - didn’t want to read and run - it sounds like you’re in a difficult situation but firstly, congratulations! I know it may not be how you had planned it but it sounds like you had very much planned on being a mum in the near future and this is an amazing thing.

re: your partner - he knew the risks of using cycle monitoring as contraception and there would have been nothing to stop him using a condom. It takes 2 to tango and you’ve been v clear that you’re not on any other contraception and why.

i absolutely do think you can wait a couple more weeks to have some certainty before telling him. Not being unkind but it may also give you some time to accept the possibility that he may not want anything to do with the baby and the relationship might end. However it sounds as if you are financially in a good place to be a single mum, if that’s what you choose to do but also all options are still available to you at this stage…as long as it is your choice.
personally, I would spend a couple of weeks working out if/how I could do it on my own (finances, support net work, mat leave etc), make a decision as to whether you intend to continue the pregnancy and if yes then have an early scan before telling him. Really really good luck! X

What do you mean when you say tracking your cycle? Tracking what exactly?

Having a baby with a dude you've known for just half a year and who is reluctant to become a father is very misguided and very selfish.

You are basically using him as a sperm donor. But he was stupid enough to trust you to track your cycle, so he kinda deserves what's coming.

It's a pity for the baby though, to be born in an unstable situation like this one.

Maybe put the interest of the potential baby ahead of your selfish desires next time?

Cycle tracking is notoriously imprecise, so he should have been using a condom if he didn't want an accidental pregnancy. I mean, it sounds like both your decisions led to this.

I'd lean towards telling him now as he knows you track your cycle so you should be aware quite early that you're pregnant. If you're worried about trust continuing to not tell him doesn't seem like a great way of showing trust. I hope it works out.

What a kind reply! As we have had very open discussions he is absolutely wants children but he wants to wait until he’s in a better financial position which I completely understood. I wouldn’t consider my situation unstable, good job, good family support. You’re entitled to your opinion but you have nothing constructive to say other than to judge me. I love this man I don’t want him to feel like I’ve used him as a sperm donor.

tracking cervical mucus and temp, however I’m a shift worker and I’d done some nights which I hadn’t done in a couple of months and I had been unwell with cold/viral illness so I think I must have misjudged some of my temp
readings. Also see my reply above

Have your wanted baby and figure everything out as you go. Congratulations!

Thank you @Texasholdem20 for your kind and helpful reply! I think he would want to be involved he has said from before our first date having a family is at the top of his priority he has some traditional values.

I absolutely could do it on my own, I have a great support network, I’m an nhs worker so get a good deal maternity wise. I just feel so guilty I wanted to be able to share my first pregnancy with someone who was ready and excited where as I feel like I’ll have to open with ‘I’m sorry’

Well you could start with ‘you know how you weren’t using any contraception?…’ he chose unprotected sex. Don’t sacrifice your career and marriage wouldn’t be a great idea, with him having CCJs, protect your mortgage if you ever feel the need to move him in to your home. He should have researched what contraception is before ejaculating, because cycle tracking is not a type.

of course and please try to ignore the very judgmental types. Yes cycle monitoring is not great contraception but given that you had clear reasons and his responsibility also, seems rather harsh to chastise you at this already conflicted time.
it definitely seems like you’re in a great position to welcome a baby individually.
why don’t you give yourself time to process and then share with him when you feel like it has sunk in a little bit more.
It may be that opening with “I didn’t plan or expect this to happen right now as I know the timing is not right for you, but I’m pregnant. I love you and know this won’t be easy for you to process but I want to keep the baby and it’s entirely up to you how involved, if at all, you’d like to be.”

What a horribly unkind response. Did you even read the post properly?

OP, you are not selfish and pregnancies happen even when everyone is suitably wrapped up. Given your family history and your desire to have a baby (regardless of how long you've known this man), this could be really good news. You're mostly in a win-win situation - you were going to consider a sperm donor but a man came along instead. If he's not interested in being a father, then he's just a sperm donor. It's up to him. But right now you have the opportunity to be a mother when there was a question mark over the possibility.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Congrats OP!

Dont feel like you have to apologise to him. He could’ve put a condom on too. I hate that the burden of contraception always falls on women.

I wouldn’t advise waiting a few weeks to tell him. I’d be really angry at my partner if they hid something like this from me for that long. Sit with the news over the weekend and then talk to him.

Good luck!

Get taking your pregnancy vitamins and folic acid, you don't have to tell him straightaway but as PP says, when you do he shouldn't be shocked given you weren't using contraception.

Just wanted to say that I became pregnant after only being with my partner for a few months. Our little one is 15 months old now and our relationship is going from strength to strength. We are talking about getting married in the next couple of years. Yeah, we have kind of done things backwards by societies norms, however I wouldn't change any of it for the world. We are happy and healthy and the way the world is at the moment, that counts for an awful lot!!
Good luck with whatever you decide to do ❤️

Congratulations!

What I think I’d actually do (and I’m aware that some people may shoot me down in flames for this), I’d just tell him that you’re a little late. I wouldn’t say that I’d already done the test.
Give that a bit of chance to sink in for him and take a test when you’re together. As though you’re finding out at the same time and together as a couple.
You’d need to do this fairly quickly though.
I think he’d feel better if he was involved in the whole process, rather than him feeling like you knew this really important and life changing information and had just kept it from him.
Discuss the news with him and say that you understand he’s not ready, in an ideal world but that it has happened.
If the worst happens, hopefully he’ll be supportive.
I just think that this should be something you deal with together and not keep secret from him.
Hopefully, once it’s sunk in, he’ll be really happy but I think you’ve got to give him a chance.

Thank you for all the replies and advice and the congratulations! I've not been able to see him this weekend as I have covid, my best friend has been round today (also has covid) and has echoed pretty much what everyone else has said. I hate keeping secrets too. We have arranged to meet early in the week and I plan to say I’m late and test with him there I don’t want him feeling like he isn’t involved.

As a side note I have no plan to have him on my mortgage and he has always said he wants me to have my house even when we eventually get our place as he wants me to feel secure.

Hope you're doing okay, @Levi18

Hey OP, hope all is well?

Hello,

sorry I haven’t been and updated! So I ended up saying to him the next day about my period being late (I didn’t want him to feel excluded), did a test it was obviously positive. He reacted really well, even said what everyone here said really ‘it takes two’ not sure why I was so worried really!

He’s quite excited now and has started a saving fund so fingers crossed this is a sign of change.

6 weeks now having cramps, nausea and my boobs hurt almost all the time! Hope everyone else is doing well thank you for all the advice and reassurance!

Oh that’s great news! Love a happy thread! Good luck with your pregnancy, congratulations ❤️