Birth plan, overly sensitive?

[Jammy62]

DM and I have a difficult relationship. She lives around 7 hours away. We keep in touch by phone and text but i only see her maybe 2x per year for a few days each time. We get on fine in terms of we can go for lunch and pass the time of day but we clash a lot and dont have a close relationship or speak about anything particularly deep. Since i was mid to late teens iv been aware that DM is likely a functioning alcoholic. She might agree or she might be in denial depending on the day. We dont discuss it, as she is not willing to get help and it causes upset on both sides.

I am pregnant. When i first told DM, i mentioned i would likely be getting a section due to placenta previa. This isn't 100% as the condition can clear up but im not far of due so unlikely to change. Last i spoke to DM she announced that once DH had gone back to work she would move in for 3 months to help me as il apparently need it after a section. I was quite taken a back. I certainly do not want DM moving in for 3 months. Perhaps i will need some help but it would be hell on earth for us both and its my first DC, i want time for DH and I to get to know DC and learn to become parents. I didnt say too much as i was so taken a back. DH and I dont live close to family but we have friends and wouldnt be alone if i needed help.

We were at a family party at the beginning of the month and during the champagne reception, DM asked me if i was still thinking about a section whilst chatting to DH, a family friend and I. I was shocked as I feel its quite personal, i panicked and said it wasnt my choice and it was due to a pregnancy complication. DM replied oh she didnt no and pulled a face. I said she did know and I had told her about it when telling her of the pregnancy but that i wasnt prepared to discuss it further at that time.

For the past few weeks, iv been getting more and more worked up that DM would ask me such a personal question re whether i was having a section in such a public environment.

Im also hurt that she has no recollection of our discussion on previa. These instances of memory loss are relatively common and have been for the last few years. I dont no if its the years of alcohol or an early sign of dementia.

Feeling upset about the whole thing but wondering if im being OTT and overly sensitive.

I'm a little unsure what your questions are exactly here, but I didn't want to read and run.

My mum would never remember the ins and outs about my pregnancy, but could remember something basic like section or no section. No more than general getting older memory problems, certainly not dementia. Your placenta is less important to everyone else than it is you and I don't mean that in a nasty way at all. I even think my husband would struggle to remember some of the things I went through in pregnancy, despite me talking at him non stop for months. Obviously I can't comment on the other occasions of memory loss.

I would tell your DM now that you don't want her to move in for 3 months, so she has reasonable expectations. Not sure why you didn't just say no thank you at the time.

You are not being overly sensitive. Pregnancy and birth is a time when new parents are brought face to face with the reality of the parenting they received. This can be really uncomfortable. It is not uncommon for mothers to enter into that space with their daughters and behave in a way that is totally inconsistent with their own parenting experiences and to attempt to recreate a narrative around their relationship with their daughters.

Speak to your partner about you wishes and your fears - if you can, you can also speak to someone external to the family as this might be helpful. (When my daughter was born, I had counselling and it was so useful to me, to set boundaries and to unpick the behaviours in my family - it gave me space to allow my thoughts to be heard.)

Do you know much about the circumstances surrounding your own mothers journey into parenthood? Was she supported by her own mother? Did she want to be? Do you have any insights as to what led to her dependance on alcohol?

It sounds like you have managed to construct a relationship that works for you, meeting for lunch, not talking about the things that cause you upset - can you structure something similar around the birth? The book 'why postpartum matters' by Sophie Messager is good and might help you structure a narrative that you can use for your mother and help you put things in place so that your needs are met, avoiding the situation where your mother finds a chink in the armour!

Do you have any siblings? Can they be spun into the narrative?

You are doing the right thing to put your needs first .. remember that!!

@itsthefinalcountdown1 thanks, good to hear a different perspective. I still dont understand how DM could forget but maybe i am a bit wrapped up in myself. She will know doubt have her own stuff going on. Il need to speak to her about the moving in thing. It wasnt presented to me as a question though it was more like this is what iv decided im doing and over the past few years DM has not offered me any assistance in any way or taken control of anything. Sorry, i now feel like im drip feeding which wasnt my intention but i arrange all of DM's suppliers like gas, elec, house insurance etc and in many ways run the admin of her life. I think i was just so shocked that she was taking back the parenting role and was stunned. I will need to set expectations though. Thank you.

@ChateauMargaux thank you. Your reply has really meant a lot. I was speaking to DH yesterday and he understands where im coming from. None of us want to cause ww3 so we constantly tread on eggshells but he mentioned councillors could help me. I can get phone councilling through my work. Il give them a call later on as a first step. My DM had a difficult relationship with her own parents. I am not sure about when she was a baby but she was sent to boarding school from a young age due to my GP working abroad. She didnt see a great deal of them and would stay with family for many of the holidays in the country she was educated. When i was born, my DF worked away and my DM was a SAHM but she was involved in a serious accident shortly after i was born, which left her in hospital for over 6 months. I dont remember it but i lived with my GP's for my first year as they had to support my DM when she got out of hospital. I saw a lot of my GP's but my DM definitely had a difficult relationship with her own DM. My DS lives abroad and isnt aware of the situation. She has her own problems with our DM and wouldnt want to get involved in my troubles. She has had councilling in the past and really struggles with DM alcohol. I will look into the book you mention. I hope im able not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

You're allowed to be wrapped up in yourself, you're pregnant! 😘 Just wanted to give a different point of view in case it's not the alcohol, but I can't say for sure obviously!

@Jammy62 .. already by recognising all of this, you are preventing yourself from repeating the mistakes of the past. Maybe she wants this time to be better so that she can fix the wound of your birth and the lack of motherly care that she was prevented from giving you or didn't receive from her own mother, but that does not mean you should allow her to take that place in your house - she has to work out how to heal that wound for herself. Free yourself from that obligation and your baby from carrying that trauma forward.

Also, the fact that you know how to reach out for help and will be aware, means that you are more likely to be in a position to work through things in a positive way.