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Original poster

Sister enraged I do not want her new boyfriend in room after birth of new baby

25 replies

Cinnamonmum · 19/11/2022 13:35

Hi all, I am hoping for some support - I have never posted here and apologies if I am in a wrong place(?)...I have an older sister and we have never been close in spite of my hopes and attempts to make that happen. Frankly she'd been emotionally and rarely physically abusive to me throughout our lives. I have a toddler and gave birth to a new baby by scheduled C-section as recommended by my doctor, and prior to the birth I was communicating with my sister about her coming to the hospital to meet her new niece after the baby was born. She told me that she would be coming by with her new boyfriend; I'd met him only once for 10 minutes and it was awkward as he did not speak at all and didn't seem to want to chat. I was thrown off by this and had not wanted ANYONE except my husband with me anyway in the hours/day after her birth, and I asked my sister to please not bring him into my room, politely, emphasizing that I did not want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings - but it would have been only hours after her birth and I knew I'd be coming out of the saddle block anesthesia, nauseous, vomiting, concerned about breastfeeding, trying to breastfeed, and feeling vulnerable. She blew up at me, enraged that I would make such a request. She blasted my 'flawed' logic over an email exchange and to be honest, I felt at that point that I needed to completely retreat and stop putting myself in her crosshairs. Husband completely agreed with and supported me. Parents unable to be with me. In-laws had the sense not to try to barge. I am wondering....AITA or do I have a leg to stand on? Husband completely agreed with and supported me. Parents unable to be with me. In-laws had the sense to not try to barge. I know it seems as if I've answered my own question, but I would hugely appreciate some support. This still greatly bothers me. Note: Husband is British, but the children were born in the USA at the time we lived there. Thanks everyone...

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/11/2022 13:38

When did this happen?

ApolloandDaphne · 19/11/2022 13:41

So did he actually come in or is this just fury over something that didn't happen actually a while back? I'm a bit confused by the timescales and exactly what do/didn't happen

Hoppinggreen · 19/11/2022 13:44

I’m not sure exactly what you are asking?
Are you actually wondering if you were unreasonable not to want a virtual stranger to visit you in hospital after you had just given birth? Of course not
Your sister sounds like a cow - why do you even care what she thinks?

UndisclosedBlackPudding · 19/11/2022 13:44

When you've just given birth it's ABSOLUTELY FINE for you to say who you want in the room and who you don't. And if anyone has a problem with that they should remember that you've just given birth and keep their problem to themselves OP.
Congratulations on your baby OP, whenever this was. Flowers🙂

Shinyandnew1 · 19/11/2022 13:45

I would hugely appreciate some support

What sort of support would help you here? I’d see much less of your sister if you don’t get on.

Santagiveyoursackawash · 19/11/2022 13:46

Then dsis should stay home if she can't be supportive....

KatMcBundleFace · 19/11/2022 13:48

Cut down contact with her op, she sounds like a tosser

Inertia · 19/11/2022 14:02

So did he come in? Or you wouldn't let him in and she's angry at you?

TBH I'd back away from her for a bit. You don't need furious people in your life when you're recovering from a CS and coping with a new baby.

You're the patient. Nobody has the right to view you - it's not like buying tickets for the zoo.

diddl · 19/11/2022 14:04

Sounds to me as if you are trying too hard & she's not interested.

Hopefully you didn't give in.

Is she very young?

Yellowdahlia12 · 19/11/2022 14:05

You will be feeling vulnerable straight after a birth. There's no need to have a stranger gawping at you.

SpeedwellPurple · 19/11/2022 14:08

I have an older sister and we have never been close in spite of my hopes and attempts to make that happen. Frankly she'd been emotionally and rarely physically abusive to me throughout our lives.

it would have been only hours after her birth and I knew I'd be coming out of the saddle block anesthesia, nauseous, vomiting, concerned about breastfeeding, trying to breastfeed, and feeling vulnerable.

Forget the boyfriend, why on earth did you want your sister there?!

unname · 19/11/2022 14:09

She sounds like she believes the world revolves are her. Did you post about this when it happened? I recall something similar.

I would never let a virtual stranger visit me in the hospital. I’d distance myself from anyone that expected me to do allow this.

GG1986 · 19/11/2022 14:12

This is confusing? Has the baby been born yet or not? If not, then tell her to forget it and she can visit once you are home and not feeling vulnerable straight after labour. If baby is already here and been here a while then it's time to move on and forget about it, you told her you didn't want him there and she kicked off and that's her problem not yours.

HarvestThyme · 19/11/2022 14:12

Why would you invite her?? She sounds horrible. Do not surround yourself with awful, toxic people. She's a bully to you and would likely be a terrible auntie to your dc.

She can fuck right off. Which takes care of the boyfriend problem.

zen1 · 19/11/2022 14:14

I don’t know why you are asking whether you have a leg to stand on - it is totally your choice who you want to visit you after you have given birth. You can say ‘no’ to anyone you wish and for whatever reason you wish. Going forward, I would not pursue a relationship with your sister. Sounds like she just brings misery to your life and you wouldn’t want that to rub off onto your children as well.

MyBabyLaura · 19/11/2022 14:15

You've been in, and still are in, an abusive relationship (sister is the abuser) and you don't know right from wrong, due to the years of abuse. It's messed up your head.

OP you've done nothing wrong. It's your life and you can decide who is in it and how you live it. Your boundaries are for you to decide, not for others to negotiate on. People don't have to like your decisions and how they feel about it is for them to deal with. You're not responsible for "fixing" their negative emotions for them.

I'm glad your husband is on your side, at least your own family unit won't be a toxic one.

Beware how much contact your children have with toxic family members (zero is best), especially unsupervised contact. Children don't need relationships with toxic people whoever those toxic people might be.

Watch out for the enablers of the toxic ones too, the ones who make excuses for their bad behaviour and try to get you to brush it under the carpet for the sake of their (the enablers) peace and quiet. If enablers don't want toxic people moaning in their ear they need to tell toxic ones to get lost, not try to persuade the victim to accept the abuse.

WonderingWanda · 19/11/2022 14:16

I hope you told her she was no longer welcome either. You were not unreasonable in saying you didn't want him there. If your sister can't handle that then leave her to get on with her tantrum.

WakingUpDistress · 19/11/2022 14:28

@Cinnamonmum your request was absolutely fine!!
And tbh, I’m surprised your dsis didn’t realise you would be uncomfortable with a man you dont know in the room at such a time.

I also agree with some PP. She isn’t a nice person. She has showed that to you before. She has just done it again then.

The question you need to ask yourself now is ‘what are you going to do now?’.
Your dream to be close to her will never happen. It’s sad and I understand you would want to grieve for that.
But you can continuously put yourself in harm’s way, by giving her opportunities to hurt you when you are vulnerable.
So what will you do? There are many options such go LC, a very superficial relationship, NC. You need to out yourself first there.

Jjones8 · 19/11/2022 14:51

Oh goodness absolutely fine for you to say he’s not allowed to come. And anyway - why would he even want to?

Auntiealie · 19/11/2022 14:51

Of course you’re not being unreasonable!

Original poster
Cinnamonmum · 19/11/2022 14:56

Hi all and THANK YOU so much for all your replies - I am the OP and what I was looking for - and have received - was validation. Our daughter was born healthy and I felt safe as only my husband was with us. I made it clear to my angry sister that her boyfriend would NOT be welcome in the hospital but could stop by with her later, after we'd gone home and had some days/weeks to recover, to briefly meet her. As to why I made the offer to my sister to come later on the day of my daughter's birth, it was because I was still hoping to improve the sibling relationship and allow her to see her new niece. I've since given up, I am now very LC and almost NC - and the LC is only because we have a remaining parent who is terminally ill and I will have to deal with the sister over estate issues eventually. This parent has been gaslighting and denying the sibling abuse all my life - and the sister has always been very careful to hide her abuses to only when no witnesses - such as our parents - were present. The parent is herself very damaged and my birth family has been extremely dysfunctional most of my life. It took me decades to fully realize this. I don't think the parent can cope with the awful reality so she denies it and tells me to 'just get along' with my sister (although she once revealed to me that she WAS aware of some of the abuse, or at least suspected it when we were little). I am processing all of this, and healing from it as much as I can. I needed the validation you have all given. The toxicity and abuse STOPS with me. My children will not go through what I did. Again, thanks everyone. The kids are happy and I plan to keep it that way!

OP posts:
thewolfandthesheep · 19/11/2022 15:19

You don't have to have her at your house while you are still in pain. Seriously.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/11/2022 16:08

Cinnamonmum · 19/11/2022 14:56

Hi all and THANK YOU so much for all your replies - I am the OP and what I was looking for - and have received - was validation. Our daughter was born healthy and I felt safe as only my husband was with us. I made it clear to my angry sister that her boyfriend would NOT be welcome in the hospital but could stop by with her later, after we'd gone home and had some days/weeks to recover, to briefly meet her. As to why I made the offer to my sister to come later on the day of my daughter's birth, it was because I was still hoping to improve the sibling relationship and allow her to see her new niece. I've since given up, I am now very LC and almost NC - and the LC is only because we have a remaining parent who is terminally ill and I will have to deal with the sister over estate issues eventually. This parent has been gaslighting and denying the sibling abuse all my life - and the sister has always been very careful to hide her abuses to only when no witnesses - such as our parents - were present. The parent is herself very damaged and my birth family has been extremely dysfunctional most of my life. It took me decades to fully realize this. I don't think the parent can cope with the awful reality so she denies it and tells me to 'just get along' with my sister (although she once revealed to me that she WAS aware of some of the abuse, or at least suspected it when we were little). I am processing all of this, and healing from it as much as I can. I needed the validation you have all given. The toxicity and abuse STOPS with me. My children will not go through what I did. Again, thanks everyone. The kids are happy and I plan to keep it that way!

When did this happen?

CristinaNov182 · 19/11/2022 21:26

By still allowing her to come and see you and your baby, albeit at your house after you’re hopefully recovered somewhat, you’re sending her the message that is ok for her to abuse you this way. So no, the abuse doesn’t stop at you. It continues with you.

I wouldn’t have her in until she is able to understand or at least acknowledge what she did was wrong.

I’d be very careful if I were you with her future involvement with your kids. She’s not likely to be redeemable after a life of abuse and you’re not likely to spot all the abuse she is going to dish out to you and your children…

CristinaNov182 · 19/11/2022 21:28

What I meant to say I wouldn’t have her in my life at all. Period.

I understand you want to smooth out inheritance and such when the time comes, but otherwise I wouldn’t be making any plans or have any hopes of reconciliation.

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