Struggling with loneliness in pregnancy

[DollyDimples80]

I recently wrote a post on here 'why did my friend ditch me when I was pregnant'. Long story short - I was pregnant with ivf baby, mum friend at school very interested and excited, asking me questions etc. we were pretty good friends, close. I got pregnant and had a bleed, had to call on friend to take my son to school as husband was abroad and in-laws had covid. Since then she's been off and distant. Since writing the post I asked her directly 'what is going on?!' And she finally gave me an answer.

She said she was sorry, that she's been a shit friend, that it was her stuff and my bleeding had triggered something. (She's not lost a baby or is trying as she has two children and has told me she doesn't want more and is glad she got it out the way before she got too old) she said she wanted to chat to me to explain and clear the air.

I said thank you so much for being honest, I appreciate it, I was just relieved to know the reason. We met up, started a lot of small talk, but didn't talk about it. Then a dad that she knew came and sat with us and so we couldn't. I thought after she might have text to say let's try again to chat but I've not heard from her.

Things are now still awkward. We smile, say hello and exchange small bits of conversation but mostly we avoid each other still. I'm still hurt, I'm lonely and I feel I've lost my friend. We've gone in different directions.

I just don't have the resilience at the moment to cope with this. I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. I'm crying a lot still. Under the perinatal mental health team. It's the anniversary of my mothers death today. I saw her and another mum at the gates this morning and they blanked me. I'm just sat in the car in tears. I can't pull it together. I just feel like things are getting more hopeless. I make friends but no one very close that I can really rely on.

Please don't write anything nasty because I've been very very low and wondered what the point in being here is. So if you're that kind of person just move on.

Oh that’s really shit. And there’s no way to know what’s up with her really though it sounds like something out of your control. Maybe she’s had miscarriages you don’t know about, or maybe she’s feeling really relied upon by lots of people and not able to support her friend right now.

I think if you miss your friend the only thing you can do is to make an effort with her again yourself. Suggest another coffee and try not to worry if it’s just small talk. Friendships wax and wane, the important thing is to keep some contact and hope it comes back stronger in future.

No advice on not feeling lonely though. I’ve felt like that myself a lot recently. My partner and mum are both really supportive but I miss the close friendships of my 20s - like having a second family. Sometimes I think it’s because everything moved to WhatsApp and we never get to really spend quality time together now. Sometimes I think it’s just natural because life is really hard sometimes and as we get older we realize there are problems only we can solve - like all the advice and support in the world won’t really take away the pain of your mum’s death. You just have to allow yourself to feel that and grieve.

I spoke to a really lovely hairdresser about it recently when I felt very low. She told me not to give up, that she felt like that a lot in her 40s but made a massive effort to join clubs/activities and eventually made a whole new group of close friends.

Lots of waffle, sorry. Not sure it’s helpful but I just want to say you’re not alone and offer an internet hug x

This is really sad :( I hope you're OK! But it is definitely her issue, and if she can't be supportive when you're going through a bleed during pregnancy then she is not a very good friend. Women bleed every month so it's not like it's something to be grossed out by, there must be something else she's not telling you. Maybe if she told you it would be totally understandable and you'd have moved on, but the fact she can't bring herself to talk to you shows its either too painful an issue for her to broach or she really is just a bit insensitive.
Its hard to make friends as an adult, I understand the loneliness... I just moved country and I have one good friend, and that's it. I'm hoping that I can join a few baby clubs and meet people that way, maybe you could do the same?
People drift and friendships fizzle out, but for her to ditch you when you needed her most was totally unfair, its probably guilt that's making her avoid you.
Hormones are raging right now too, I'm 25 weeks and all over the place emotionally, so if you weren't being affected by the hormones you might just have rolled your eyes or shouted 'hi guys!' at the school gate and not have bothered your socks about it.
Don't let it bother you OP and just enjoy your pregnancy, maybe she will come round, but don't torture yourself waiting for her.

Thank you, two such kind replies. I'm at a point where i feel I don't really want much to do with her anyway, if she's this shallow. She's the first to go on about #bekind and all that but then can't actually practice what she preaches. I've heard her talk about other friends who've been going through tough times and she's said how she's avoiding them because she doesn't want to affect her energy! 🙄
It's just a very small school with only a few pupils so we can really avoid each other much!