Feeling like I’m failing and lost myself

[Tiredalldayeveryday]

Sorry for the rambling. I wasn’t too sure where to post either, I posted on another thread but thought it was mainly pregnancy I guess.

I’m in my third trimester with my 2 DC and this pregnancy has felt like a long slog it was a surprise, and caught me very off guard and took me a few months to come round, I do feel very attached to the baby now and so excited to have a little newborn in my arms again but I am so scared about how we are going to adjust with DD 1 only being 2 especially the way I’m feeling.

This whole pregnancy I’ve felt unwell, I didn’t get that blossoming stage or the new lease of life in the second trimester. I feel I’ve been a crappy parent and not been able to do much with DD as I also work part time and when I do have time off I feel AWFUL. Terrible twos has hit and we are having to deal with multiple daily tantrums, which sometimes I cannot handle I feel this is my fault. She is not bad child at all, she is also so
loving but she is a hand full and I simply cannot keep up, I love her so much and feel awful I can’t be the parent she deserves.

I’m failing at work, not meeting targets and deadlines I fell into this new role when I came back from mat leave and I’ve left it to late to review my role as I am due on mat leave again soon but these last remaining are giving me so much fear, I’m currently teared up thinking how the hell am I going to log on tomorrow, I don’t feel my manager isn’t understanding anymore and my pregnant woes are just a burden.

I’ve lost interest in doing anything with friends, I feel I’m too boring for everyone. Even my friends with children I feel empty after I’ve seen them. Me and DP had a weekend away with friends a few weeks ago and I just felt so sad the whole time, we love socialising but I felt this time I was so out the loop being pregnant not being able to have a drink and let my hair down (I was jealous I couldn’t have a drink, in no means do we have a drink problem but I do enjoy a couple) that I just wanted to go home and cry. I feel I’m losing friends.

My DP has been so good, he’s helped out around the house (as I’ve always completely dropped the ball there, if it wasn’t for him we would be eating beans on toast and living in a shithole), another place where I feel like I’m failing. His parents are not the biggest fan of me either which hurts as I have always believed I have done nothing wrong (they do not agree with how much my DD sees my family, when they do see DD very often and always been involved).

I feel generally lost just plodding through this pregnancy, my first pregnancy I embraced every moment and loved life but this one I feel I’ve really lost my sparkle and it makes me so so sad, will it ever come back?

I guess maybe I just need a hand hold, or does this sound more like anti natal depression, I wouldn’t even know next steps, sorry for rambling. Thank you for reading x

Hello. I really empathise. I'm pregnant with my second, after bad PND with first several years ago.
As the weeks tick on I'm getting more and more anxious about how I'll cope. I feel like I've chucked a new grenade into our life that was just beginning to get good again!
No wise words other than solidarity. Can you talk to your midwife about how youre feeling?

Sending you a big hug, it’s so difficult isn’t it. I didn’t have PND but I really feel for you. Are the midwives more on top of it because you had PND previously?
My midwife seems lovely but it really seems like more of a check list, plus the appointments the second time round are so far apart I feel like I’m never seeing her. It’s so difficult everything is a struggle at the moment xx

Ah they are luckily, I'm being seen by the perinatal MH team, which is really helpful.
I think what's hard for me is the feeling that I'm going back to square one a bit, with the baby years. I found it so discombobulating and alienating being a 'mum'. The whole year on mat leave I felt like a fraud. It's only since I've been working again and seeing friends, having fun etc that I've felt like I can reconcile myself with being a mum, and see that I can be a good mum too.
I'm a bit scared of getting sucked back into the mat leave vibe of sacrifice and martyrdom that it all seemed to have!

I've been feeling really anxious in the third trimester along with some general beating myself up and feeling generally not good enough with a side of vague isolation because I'm waiting for something to go wrong that no one else believes will happen.
You could try talking to your midwife or GP it does sound like antenatal depression to me which is totally treatable.

@Thetractorjustmoved I completely get that! When I look back at mat leave some times were so lonely. I did go to the GP once thinking I might have PND but we decided to take my coil out instead and my mood lifted! How long have you got left until DC2?

@agahah thinking of you! That Anxious feeling is awful. I am going to contact my GP when they open and hope they can help.

thanks for your replies, it makes the feeling less lonely x