parents staying for 19 days after birth

[worriedmum89]

Hello,

My husband and I are so miserable right now. I need your help.

I had a baby on Monday (31st Oct). He was due 10th November. Original plan was for my parents -who live in another country- to come by, to an AirBnB close by, from the 3st to the 18th, so we could leave our 3yo daughter with them while giving birth (we dont have family nearby). My husband never liked the idea of this, always opposed it and didnt want my parents to be here on the days after giving birth, as he claimed we needed time to bond as a family of four during those days (he wanted to leave older daughter with friends or a nursery teacher who offered to take care of her on the occasion).

My parents changed their flight for the 31st (after I gave to birth alone, as my husband had to stay at home with our 3yo, who was vomitting and with high fever at the time), and have been here since then. Although they are at the AirBnB, I am realising that they have been at home for around 7-8 hours each day, for the last three days. Their plan seems to stay until the 18th (period which actually covers the whole of my husbands paternity leave). In my opinion they are not very intrusive and they are helping with our 3yo, but my husband is getting very angry about the situation, claiming that he is not enjoying his paternity because of their presence at home. My mother has suggested to leave earlier and I think she understands they are not needed.

Not sure what to think myself (breaks my heart to tell them to leave!), and would like to know what the general consensus about this is, like:

• should my parents leave early? They have paid the AirBnb until the 18th, but this is what my husband suggests they should do, as they havent been needed anymore for the birth and, supposedly, 7 hours a day are too much for him and are -I quote- "destroying" his first days with baby n2, also making us argue so much.
• should they stay until the 18th but come much less to visit? What would be reasonable to tell them? Only for lunch and dinner? They have no car and absolutely zero to do here.
• Should they take my elder daughter to their AirBnb for some hours every day? My husband thinks that thats also not good as will mess with her routine, and he wants her to resume nursery as soon as possible (she would go to nursery three days a week).

To make things worse, my mother in law wants to visit for 3 days, from 8th to 12th. My husband doesnt want to to mix my parents with his mother (he claims that even worse than having the in laws, would be to have two in laws) and I feel like not letting her staying at home as he is been so intolerant with my parents visit.

We are now miserable and arguing all the time. To be honest, he always said he didnt want my parents to come this early (he would have been ok for them to visit and stay at home if this was a week after giving birth or so, as we did with our elder daughter), so he has kind of a point... but in a very complex situation?

Thanks for your answers.

I totally get your side - but really I’m with your husband and it’s far too much for too long. You need time and space to bond as a family.

could they see out their holiday but visit less frequent or for as long so you both get space and time with family?

I can't believe how selfish and ridiculous your partner is being.

You just gave birth! By yourself because he put you in that situation.

He should be sucking it up and supporting you, not arguing with you about a situation that will resolve itself anyway.

Totally with your husband on this one. God above, I'd go nuts if my in-laws we're around for 7 hours a day. Fuck that. They can stay at their air BnB, go on trips, do something but not bloody stay at your house all day.

I'm seeing a lot about what your husband thinks and wants here, and not much from you.

7-8 hours a day is a lot for visitors for almost 3 weeks, so I think some of your suggestions of cutting down the length of time per day, and taking your other dc are great. He doesn't get to dictate that they need to leave early.

I wouldn't have your MIL stay in your home either, I would have hated that a couple of weeks after giving birth (alone due to your husbands selfish behaviour). She really needs to get a b&b and visit for a couple of hours per day.

There are definitely compromises to be made to keep you and dh happy, but it will need give and take from him too.

Can your DH change his paternity leave?

They do say ideally you want baby to be handled and looked after by you both as the immediate care givers as much as possible for those first two weeks at least. I love my in laws, they're fab and we get on so well but I wouldn't want them in my house that much every day for such a long time when I would just want to enjoy my new baby and being a little family unit. I'm due in a few weeks and my mum will be coming to stay to help me for a day or two a week for a couple of weeks but it's after my dhs paternity ends so it's not eating into his time to bond with his baby either. I understand wanting them to be near but I think you are being a little unreasonable with the amount of time they're spending right from the get go. You'll never get this time back again and he probably only has a week or two to enjoy at most so I'm kind of feeling for the fella in this scenario.

I'd say to your mum that you want to let dh have more time with baby before he goes back to work so agree a more manageable time frame with dh of how much they visit and then put that to them. I'd get your mil to stay locally as well for the same reason.

Agreed, 7 hours a day for multiple days is much too much. Maybe invite them for lunch or dinner. If you invite for both would they likely arrive before lunch and stay all afternoon and not go til after dinner? But actually most guests to new parents don't expect to be fed...

@Ivyonafence the husband didn't create that, their dd was sick and she gave birth before her parents arrived as baby came 2 wks early. He stayed home to watch their sick daughter and had suggested other people to watch her who were local?

This all sounds too much to me. Especially the 7+ hours a day long visits and then your MIL staying in your house. We are planning some time as a 4 (we are having twins) during my fiancé’s paternity leave, with the odd short visit from close family. NO ONE staying, lm not a fan of house guests at the best of times. Especially after an operation (have a ELCS), whilst caring for 2 babies

As you say your parents are being helpful, couldn't they stay the full length and your husband move his paternity leave to a later time? After all, it should be primarily about assisting you in your recovery. He sounds rather selfish focusing on his experience above all.

@Cw112 you're right, sorry I misread it as DH insisting they come later which resulted in then missing the birth, but the baby was early so they wouldn't have been around to help any way.

Still, I think DH needs to bend here and do his best not to upset is wife who has just given birth.

It’s totally up to you.
Your partner should be understanding of your needs if he is unable to meet them right now and if you do need a third pair of capable hands.
All being well with my pregnancy my mum will be there and will be staying with us for the first couple weeks.
My partner is grateful to have the extra set of hands and we don’t even have another little one to look after during.
Also it sounds like you don’t see your folks much and this is a really special time for them. Don’t think your OH is in the right here at all.

If he forces your parents to go home, then I would insist on his mother making use of the air b&b and NOT staying in your house. (She could be the sweetest MIL alive and having her stay in your house will cause resentment all round).

I understand both sides of the argument and in hindsight perhaps they should have timed their arrival for when paternity leave was about to end as they'd probably be more useful then.
Can he return to work from paternity leave early and bank that time for a later date ? If I was your h I would not be able to ask your parents to leave early and lose time and money but I understand why his patience is wearing thin even if they are perfect guests. Over the years I've seen the opposite dilemma (annoyance at husband's family staying too long) and most people will support the person gritting their teeth. I'm not saying that you are unreasonable to want your parents to spend as much time as possible while they are here. You are the one that went through childbirth and the hormones will be finding comfort from their support.

If he insists your parents go hime then he can't really have his mum as its a bit contradictory
They have paid for accommodation now so i would go with other suggestions that they pop in just for lunch , take your other daughter out the house to the park, drop off at nursery etc
Can your dh move his paternity to a later date
My nan stayed with us for a week not long after I had my first DC to help out , MY dh never questioned it and he had paternity leave booked in around that , so I had help for longer
You also don't see your parents often of they are abroad
A lot seems to be about what he wants and nit much about what you need

@EL8888 they are staying at a b&b though and the OP wants the help, many do and as she is the one who has given birth I think she gets a little more say really

Your parents need to occupy themselves during their stay and visit much less. They all should not be putting you in this situation- you've just given birth.

My sympathies OP.

I had a similar situation with my first born in that we had not thought it through properly, so our fault.

My DM wanted to stay and ‘help’ after our baby was born but really only wanted to stay while the baby was new! This coincided with my DH’s paternity leave and the result was a nightmare!

He felt she should be helping cook, clean, etc. Whereas she just wanted to sit and cuddle our new DS, as did we!

Looking back I wish we had realised that this was a recipe for potential disaster and asked her to come and stay after my DH returned to work, I could really have done with some help at that point.

She went home a couple of days early but unfortunately our relationship was never quite the same again.

I’m with your husband. I’d hate having visitors in my home for that amount of time each day and would find it incredibly intrusive.

He can’t be expected to compromise 100% of the time for such a sustained period.

If your daughters only in nursery 3 days that 4 days per week they could arrange days out, take her back to their etc. You could go to them for a few hours, go out for the day with them etc

I also liked the suggestion of your husband seeing if he could move part of his leave to after they have left.

@healthadvice123 they’re at an Airbnb, not a B&B. Like l said the 7+ hour long visits sound too much, especially for literally weeks at a time. I agree OP should have more say as she’s the one who has had the baby but her husband is within his rights to say they spend some time as a 4.

Get your partner to go back to work and take his paternity after they leave. You will get support for longer that way.

Congrats on the baby. I'm with your husband, that is FAR too long to stay in someone's house for days on end. I'd absolutely hate this and would be insisting on short visits only so we could bond as a family of 4

@EL8888 air b&b or b&b makes no odds and OP is happy to compromise and suggest shorter visits , they take dd out etc , the dh wants them just to return home and loose money, but happy for his mum to stay 4 days in the house
They have plenty of time as family of 4 etc , and for all we know maybe the dh doesn't help that much practically and thats what OP needs
But OP is willing to reduce time , her dh is not

@WHEREEL but OP has literally suggested that but he thinks they should just return home , no compromise at all

I agree the length of time is quite long but your husband is a dick. Your family have come out to help and support presumably at cost to themselves and instead of being appreciative he's having a go at his wife who's just given birth? What about what you want? What does your daughter want? Would she enjoy some time with her grandparents?
I wouldn't actually do this but I would be tempted to tell him to stay in the air bnb until they leave.
If you agree with him and feel it's a bit much I'd apologise to your parents and ask them to change the flight and refund the air bnb.
Otherwise I'd suggest he takes his paternity later or ask parents to do stuff with daughter or ask them to come for a few hours in afternoon and stop for tea. And get him to go out for a walk with baby for a bit of that time.