Terrified of telling parents I'm pregnant

[Rookiemama1]

Apologies already posted this but realised I posted it in the wrong place!

I was brought up in a very co-dependent household as a child. I regularly attend therapy and my original family have serious attachment issues. I love my mum to absolute bits but she is exceptionally overprotective and just wants our lives to be perfect...well to look perfect anyway. I (26) nor my brothers and sisters have ever done anything really to give her cause for concern. Me in particular, I've never really went out, never drank and or caused trouble, have a great stable high earning job and recently bought a house with my partner and having suffered a miscarriage a few months ago we are now 8 weeks in with this pregnancy and couldn't be happier.

Expect for the fact that I am dreading telling my parents that I'm pregnant.

My parents are quite conservative and believe you should only have children when you're married....we are engaged and getting married anyway in 2024 which was set before I even knew I was pregnant. When I miscarried my mum's initial reaction was 'how did you let yourself get in that situation' before lecturing me on my morals and values and how she was disappointed. It really wasn't what I needed, I needed my mum to hug me and support me. Meanwhile my dad rang my partner and was verbally abusive down the phone to him literally the day after we miscarried for getting me pregnant in the first place.

I am planning to tell them about this pregnancy soon and I could be sick with worry every time I think about it. I know I'm 26, I know that a lot of people will say don't worry about your parents etc, it's your life but it feels like the most awful position I've ever been in and I have no idea what to do or how to tell them or how to cope with another backlash especially when I feel so elated that I'm pregnant. Any advice welcome.

Send them a text then turn your phone off.

"Mum, Dad.

Bob and I are happily expecting our first baby. We both feel settled as a couple and ready for the next chapter in our lives.

We know you were shocked when I sadly miscarried, but I hope you will be happy for us. It upset me when you were critical of our choice to start a family, so I won't over-share updates with you as I want to avoid tension between us.
Speak soon x"

Do you really need them in your life? They sound toxic. You're 26, you can do what you like.
Personally I'd wait until after 12 weeks just to be on the slightly safer side. The very last thing you want is them causing so much upset that it affects your pregnancy. I mean, I'd be NC with them personally but at the very least, avoid them until 12+ weeks, then tell them as suggested above - in a text messages

This is good advice.
Good luck op, I would wait until your scan before telling baby family.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy!
Sorry the way your parents have previously behaved makes you worried about telling them your happy news, they don’t sound supportive at all.
You should present yourselves as you are, which is absolutely thrilled to be expecting. Go in with your happy news and try to avoid showing your nerves to their reaction. If they aren’t happy for you then so be it, you’ve told them and you don’t have to do anything further, this baby is wanted by the 2 of you, it’s parents and that’s all that matters. Don’t even get into a discussion/ argument or anything with them over it, it’s your life, your relationship, your body, your happy family.

I also think you should tell them in writing so that you don't need to hear their reaction.

I think you need to set some boundaries with them. Tell them that if they don't agree with how you are living in you don't want to hear it.

The more difficult your parents the harder it is to make choices that conflict with their dominant opinions. This is actually brilliant. You are happy and can own that. You can tell them and refuse to allow any rudeness. You redefine the boundaries until you don’t fear them because you recognise their failings and your right to support. Something that brings changes can be an amazing, if frightening catalyst. This can make you brave and help you have a relationship on your terms.

Oh yeah...I'm also terrified of telling my parents that I'll bring getting divorced for the same reasons.

@Gazelda has offered brilliant advice here I think!

I'm so sorry you went through a miscarriage and you had to deal with your parents reactions too. I hope they can be more supportive this time around.

Congratulations and good luck with the pregnancy op x

@Rookiemama1 I was in similar situation. I'm 34 and still dreaded it. Old fashion values no babies before marriage. We've almost finished building our house (a mortgage is as much commitment as marriage). Anyways I told my mum she was shocked, not a great reaction. Roll on 24hrs later she's done a full 360 mothering me, offering to do my washing / buy me clothes / looking up baby stuff / checking I'm eating etc. I think once she put things into perspective and told a few of her close friends she realised it's such a blessing and such an exciting time. I had it out with her about her initial reaction and we've moved on. Hope it goes well for you. I told after 12 week scan, wanted it out of the way.x

Hey all!

so I told my parents and the reaction was ok just suppose it was as good as it could have been.

My mum had guessed anyway. She did say welcome to the real world in a pretty condescending way and when I jokingly said I’m going to put on weight she was like yes you will (previous struggles with weight here)

in fairness my dad stepped in and offered a little reassurance about baby weight not being the same as gaining weight

no congratulations or anything but no one went mad, there was no shouting or tears just very awkward and you could see my mum was really suppressing her feelings but it was ok.

My partner thinks it’s genuinely sad for me that this is the best reaction I could’ve asked for but I’m just relieved to be honest!!

Welldone!

From someone who went through similar.

I no longer have my parents in my life because they could never be happy for me.

I wish yourself and your DP congratulations and all the best for your pregnancy x

@Rookiemama1 well done and I'm sure a relief to get it over. Give them time, hopefully they will warm a little.X

Keep a distance from them - be polite but don’t overshare
talking about weight isn’t very pleasant when you’ve had a loss and now happily pregnant

you don’t need negativity like this

Well done op - glad you were able to tell them and their reaction wasn’t as terrible as you thought. Sad they’re not happy for you, but now it’s out of the way you can move on with your pregnancy and be happy with your partner about your pregnancy.

Just another perspective on this…a mortgage is not as big a commitment as marriage, not even close. Legally the two aren’t comparable and honestly, your saying that makes me wonder if you’re very naive about the importance (to 99% of women) and implications of being married before babies. Not because of any notion of ‘old fashioned values’ but because women need legal protection when their earnings, pension etc take the inevitable hit of mat leaves and often part time hours.

Of course some of these parents will be being old fashioned and just worrying about appearances etc which is nonsense and hurtful but it’s also worth questioning if perhaps they’re being sensible, looking out for their daughters and want them to be protected. I’d be very disappointed (quietly) if my daughter had a baby with a boyfriend without getting married unless she was financially better off and he was the one taking all the parental leave/reduced hours. Not because I’m old fashioned but because I know what the consequences of that could be.

There’s a thread on here at the moment discussing why on earth so many women are willing to have babies without the protection of marriage and it’s eye opening. I’d recommend you give it a read.

Btw I’m not for one second condoning the horrible reaction of the OP’s parents to her miscarriage, not at all. That was awful. Just posts like the one I quoted make my heart sink, so many women have no understanding of the implications of committing to marriage versus committing to a house, baby etc. so I just wanted to point out the other side of the fence.

just FYI I’m in the better financial situation, my maternity is 7.5 months full pay, if my partner walked out in the morning I have the means and then some to provide for me and the baby as well as being able to afford the full mortgage. I understand your point of view but it’s nowhere near an issue. Marriage is not a pre requisite for us socially or financially so we’ll be sticking to the original date and hopefully will have baby on the wedding as a one year old!

@TiddleyWink I can see both sides. For me I am financially independent and would earn enough regardless to support my baby & pay a mortgage (which I'm very fortunate for). For my mum it was v much image based. Absolutely nothing related to financial stability. It was a very much planned and longed for baby and not something we took a rash decision on.

@Rookiemama1 you stick to your plans and don't let anyone try and change your mind. I divorced my ex in May I met my partner January and we are 17 weeks pregnant and we won't be getting married in less we go vegas x my parents are over the moon as I was told I would never have kids so this is a miracle baby x

If my parents reacted like that to me having a miscarriage I would probably not tell them out of stubbornness. I’m glad it didn’t go too badly though