Freaking out

[Grievingandconfused]

I’m not really sure why I’m posting but I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life for this and I’ve not even told my husband I’m pregnant. It’s also very outing so name changed but if anyone recognises the details they’ll also know I’m pregnant.

One of our children died this year. We have one surviving DC. We never wanted surviving DC to be an only child and they were a great sibling. We were also desperate for some hope/ joy/ happiness etc and whilst we know we could never replace our child, we could have a larger family unit again and provide our DC with a sibling. As I’m ageing and our remaining DC is growing up we didn’t want to wait too long because of the age gap and fertility.

Anyway cut to today. I’m late. Taken a pregnancy test and it looks positive unless it’s somehow faulty. I’m freaking out. I’d just started to feel comfortable with it being the three of us and was looking forward to some things that could enable- holidays, getting a dog, being more comfortable financially and the complication of feeling like we’re betraying the child we lost.

Maybe I don’t want this? I remember panicking after falling pregnant with my first so maybe it’s that normal reaction, combined with grief? I don’t know what I want and I feel sick. There’s no way this is a faulty test?

All the best and positively op

Thank you for taking the time to reply

I'm so sorry you lost your child. I have not experienced the devastating loss you have suffered so have no words of wisdom but I really wanted to reply anyway. I think your positivity in such circumstances is amazing and that your priority is what is best for your other child shows such strength. I think what you are feeling is normal is the circumstances.... it must all be so scary. The feeling of betrayal to your lost child must be so hard to deal with.. but it just shows how loved they were. I really hope that whether you have another child or not you find some peace and comfort in future which you and your faculty truly deserve

*family

I’d say that’s definitely positive. I have no advice other than to take as much time as you need to process and don’t feel guilty for any thoughts or feelings that may come up. I’m sure sharing with your husband and chatting things through slowly will make you feel much calmer. Good luck

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand the feeling of “betrayal”, but the love we feel for our children is never reductive, it’s always additive. We don’t have second children and love our first less. We don’t have more children after losing a child and reduce grief or reduce love for the child you lost.

It is so understandable that this is massively discombobulating right now. Being pregnant and having a new baby is such a vulnerable and uncertain time of change and new beginnings, without adding the extra layer of grief. So go gentle on yourself. You don’t have to feel anything before you are ready. Take each day as it comes.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s absolutely lovely and potentially very healing to create a new sibling relationship for your surviving DC. Wishing you all the best.

Oh gosh, however you feel about this is really OK. There's such a gulf between contemplating/wanting a thing and it suddenly arriving. So much for you to process here, and it is really understandable for your feelings to be complex and conflicted. Grieving a child and preparing for another are huge things individually, in combination they're a whole other level, I'm sure. And you'll be mindful of your surviving child, who has been through such a lot too.

I know this post isn't helpful in any practical sense, and I've never been in your position (although have experienced other deep grief/bereavement when pregnant), but I wanted to send you a hug. Whatever you feel or choose isn't wrong. I hope there's peace and joy in your future whatever form it takes.

Wow, no wonder you have mixed feelings after going through all of this in such a short time frame. My brain wouldn't even begin to know how to process how I felt about this. Are there any child bereavement services you could talk things through with. They might be able to give you some impartial advice on how to process your feelings. Best wishes to your family, whatever decision you make.

Oh, thank you all for your kind and considered responses I’m finding them really helpful.

This response is spot on.

Also I imagine you did have some counselling or therapy after the loss of your DC OP? But perhaps booking a block of a few sessions now would help you to navigate through this emotional time.

Good luck