Supporting someone after second miscarriage

[Bubnbutton]

My friend is desperate for children and has unfortunately had her second miscarriage in 6 months. How do I comfort for the second time? I sent her flowers, chocolate - went round for a pizza/film night the first time. Do I repeat the flowers/chocolate again or is there something else I can do? Will she want that again? but equally I don’t want her to feel I’m not as bothered the second time when I am. It’s worse, my heart is truly broken for her - any suggestions on how I can comfort her, maybe a different way to the first?

I wouldn't necessarily give flowers and chocolate. As a veteran of 3 MCs all you Nedd to do is acknowledge what a shit time she is having x

But agree offering to go round or meet up for coffee is a good idea. Nothing worse than friends being too scared to see you

Firstly, you're a great friend. I went through 2 miscarriages as well and for sure I could have used someone like you. People grieve differently, for example, in my case, I really needed some space. Just to let her know you are always there for her should do the job.

I don’t think gifts are necessary. Maybe a card along the ‘thinking of you while going through a tough time’ vein?

And simply spending time with her

Thank you - although we speak/text, I just don’t feel like I’m ‘there’ for her this time…
but thank you, I will keep checking in with her and go from there x

Definitely listen as much as you can. Maybe a nice freezer meal? Just for a nutritious meal when she can’t face cooking.

I had a couple of friends drop round nice bits to eat etc but very very few people actually asked how I was and listened when I told them. To this day my best friend has not asked me how I’m feeling after a TFMR in Nov and a miscarriage in August. I know it’s not because she doesn’t care but she just can’t offer me that support for whatever reason. I won’t ever forget the kindness of those who have.

@Dowisetrepla I’m sorry to hear that but thank you - that’s really helpful.

Like PP said ask how she is and really listen. I'd also offer to do something practical for her, shopping etc

I just had my second this year and tbh I didn't want any gifts I got a lot of chocolate and comfort food after my first and honestly I was so sick of looking at it after the first week or so it felt never ending. After the second I really did just want to be left alone to deal with my emotions myself but I did have plenty of friends/fam checking in to see if I needed anything and they always said they were there to chat if I wanted. It was nice to to feel I knew they were there but they understood I didn't want the company or to talk all the time. Everyone deals with it differently though she might appreciate a coffee and a chat

I think that is exactly how she feels @mummatara.
another reason I didn’t want to buy more flowers as I thought it may not be a nice reminder as to why she has the flowers, although they are more ‘thinking and am here for you’ sort of thing.

i love the shopping/meals idea but her husband is there for all that. Yes he’s grieving to but I wouldn’t want to step on his toes when this is what he is doing to support her.
I’ll just keep calling and texting her to check in. Thanks all

I appreciated the care packages (food, face masks etc) from friends after our loss. One friend got me a colouring book that has things like "fuck everything" with swirly flowers in it (I like colouring). And just willing to listen and say that's fucking crap with no 'at least" or "it will happen when you least expect it" or "maybe it wasn't meant to be" etc

Flowers I was mixed on - I appreciated the thought but found it a bit depressing when my flat was full of dead flowers a week later

After my first, I was inundated with flowers / chocolates / brownies etc.

After my second, I got a couple of cards, the odd text message, but I guess people were feeling uncomfortable and didn't know what to do.

A friend brought round some picnic-y food, some magazines, a plant and a sparkly lip gloss. It cheered me up so much and she stayed and chatted all afternoon / evening. It meant so much.

‘At least’ - WHY do people feel the need to start sentences with this. If someone’s mum died I wouldn’t say ‘at least your dads okay’ as my first bloody response to them. Or if their dog died ‘when are you getting another then?’

So true @Dowisetrepla (and great username). If someone lost a parent I would not say 'maybe it's god's will, their life obviously wasnt meant to work out' . But somehow with pregnancy loss people do!