Anyone else feel pregnancy dread?

[Rosegold3112]

I'm going to be very honest here so please be kind.

I'll be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow with baby number 2 and I'm sort of feeling a horrible sense of dread around the whole pregnancy and I sort of just want my body back.

A little back story: my DD is 18 months old. I was incredibly anxious my entire pregnancy with her because she was so wanted and I didn't want anything to go wrong. It all went well but I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 31 weeks. The last few weeks of my pregnancy were miserable. The diagnosis had a massive affect on my mental health and generally I just found the end of the pregnancy so hard. I kept saying I wouldn't do it again but after she was born I was so in love, I wanted another one. Myself and my partner made no plans to try but it was sort of just unspoken that we would probably have another some day.

Then when my DD was just 5 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. The feelings were much different than when we'd found out we were pregnant with DD. I was excited but scared. Scared of judgement with it being so soon, scared from lack of support, scared from DD still not sleeping through the night and having spent the last 5 months in a constant state of dizziness from sleep deprivation. To top it off, I had been warned that if I got pregnant again I was likely to have GD again and so I started monitoring my blood glucose levels and immediately they were high. I was put back on medication at only 5 weeks pregnant but it didn't work so I also started insulin which I also couldn't find the right dose to get my BGL under control. I was told it was so early in the pregnancy that I would need to be treated as type 2 (although it may not have actually been type 2) and it was all just too much to take. I couldn't do it again physically and mentally and so at 8 weeks pregnant we made the heartbreaking choice to terminate the pregnancy. This broke me. I wanted another baby. I wanted that baby. But I was not capable of going through with it at that time with all the other circumstances, and with a potential life long diagnosis of type 2 diabetes over my head. I stopped monitoring my BGL after the termination but further hba1c blood tests after would show that I was not in diabetic range and it had all been caused by the pregnancy hormones.

It took me a long time to get over what happened, what I did. I wanted another one and this made me determined that one day I would be ready and I would see another pregnancy through, knowing how much more difficult it would be. My partner and I made the official decision to start trying this summer and I found out I was pregnant again in August, and I'm now nearly 13 weeks. Like last time, I was diagnosed with early GD immediately and am again being treated as type 2. I'm back on insulin as well but this time I found a dose quite quickly that worked. I've been less cautious with diet than I ever was with DD and last time round, with the understanding in my head that if I go full carb counting and restricting this early that I simply will not be able to do it again. My bloods are generally very well controlled with the odd high reading here and there. Since the end of September I've had a total of 5 high readings which is good in my book considering that's 5 out of at least 100 readings now. The nausea also hasn't helped when there's foods I know I can manage to eat nausea-wise but aren't good for BGL and vice versa. But now I feel like I've hit a brick wall and I'm just so nervous about going from 1 child to 2 as well. Last time my DD wasn't in a good routine for me to manage 2 but this time she's in a perfect one. I'm anxious of the affect another one will have on her and the memories of all the sleep deprivation. I feel awful that after everything I went through before and to get here pregnant again that I've wound up feeling sort of resentful that I've put myself in this position again. I would not go through with another termination and my plan after this baby is to look into getting sterilised. I'm pretty sure if it weren't for the diabetes I also wouldn't even be feeling so much dread. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here other than some words of reassurance or some understanding? Anyone with a similar diagnosis that just understands the misery or someone to tell me going from 1 to 2 is a dream, or maybe just know I'm not alone in feeling doubts sometimes?

I've opened up about a part of me I am so ashamed of so I might delete this thread, but I also think sometimes it's important to get feelings out there. Thanks I've you've read this far ❤️

Hi @Rosegold3112 ❤️ didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've been through a really tough time, and can completely understand your mixed feelings and feelings of dress and fear. You'll be processing a lot right now,with the Medical diagnosis, the usual difficulty of early pregnancy, and your feelings around your termination. please be kind to yourself and know these feelings are normal on the circumstances.

I haven't had GD or a termination but I did have 3 miscarriages this year before this pregnancy (I'm now 16 weeks) and due to this I've felt a lot of anxiety about all sorts of things, plus had awful awful sickness for majority of first trimester. It's been incredibly tough. I think for me the fact I know stuff can go wrong has made it harder to be positive, although as the pregnancy goes on this is getting easier. I've got a toddler too and it's hard also to balance it all, or comprehend how we will do it when new baby arrives! But we will. 😊💛

For you, it's probably quite triggering of difficult memories to have the gd and be pregnant again. Is your husband supportive? Can you maybe speak to someone who could help with your mental health like a counsellor? And also perhaps a nutritionist or someone a bit more holistic might be helpful to help you manage the GD. And I think it's a good idea not to worry about your diet right now especially with pregnancy sickness, if the meds are working that's good but if you want to also get it controlled via diet speaking so someone might help.

Not sure if this is helpful, but I'm sure this will be a passing phase and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes more smoothly x

I really feel for you, from what you wrote I can tell this is such a personal thing and really really tough for you. I obviously can't diagnose but I would honestly say perhaps speak to your midwife and ask if they can refer you to somebody, who you can talk to? You sound quite anxious and perhaps even a little depressed. I'm currently 29 weeks with a second unplanned child and my midwife has referred me as I've been very anxious too. I think it's normal hormones for the hormones to send you into a spin - I also worry a lot about coping with 2, the effect it will have on my daughter, dealing with symptoms of pregnancy, etc and I'm not normally an anxious person. I also have suspected gestational diabetes that I'm getting tested for and I worry a lot about that, managing my diet etc so I can understand your concerns.

I think it's normal to regret being pregnant sometimes and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Pregnancy fucking sucks and a lot of the picture perfect social media renditions of pregnancy give you a false idea that it's some amazing fantastic time, you'll feel great 24/7 and you should be superwoman. But it's so unrealistic. I flip back and forth constantly between 'wow I'm so excited to have an adorable newborn joining our family soon!' and 'wow, I hate being pregnant, it sucks and it's so uncomfortable and unenjoyable, and I'm only going to be worse off when they're born and im exhausted'. I can't wait to get this baby out lol, and there's definitely times where I think what the hell am I doing I wish I didn't have another! Please don't feel ashamed about it. I never know what to say really or how to write supportive posts but I hope that helps

I definitely think you need to talk to someone.
But yes, I’m only 6 weeks and I burst into tears in a clothes shop yesterday because DS is 15 months and I’ve only just got my body back kind of. You’re not alone. I put on way too much weight in my first pregnancy because I had to stop exercising (including walking for more than 10 minutes at a time) on the advice of the physio. I’m almost burying my head in the sand at the moment, maybe things will change at booking appointment and scan.

Hi OP, I don’t have GD (that I know of) but I share your concerns about going from 1 to 2 and the impact it will have on me. I’m just over 13 weeks and have been really struggling with this pregnancy and I’m worried it’s only to get worse in terms of back pain, pregnancy insomnia etc. It took a long, long time after having my DS for my body to feel any way recovered and I’m dreading feeling like that again. My DS was a terrible sleeper and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to go through that again second time again.

I just keep reminding myself that absolutely everything passes and that it will all be worth it for DS to have a sibling.

Definitely don’t feel ashamed, I think this is all very normal, especially second time around when you know what to expect and that it’s not all like it’s painted out to be.