First time mum worries

[Barkley650]

So I'm pregnant with my first baby. I'm 39yrs old. I've lost 2 babies in the past. But here's the thing.... I've never been very maternal. I don't gush over babies and I certainly don't like other people's kids often. My husband is who wants this baby I fear more than I do. I've focused so much energy in getting pregnant, now it's here as much as I've an overwhelming feeling to protect this little life growing inside me. I'm absolutely terrified of ALL of it.
Labour, pain, being uncomfortable for the next 8 plus months to then be done with being the incubator to become the caretaker. I truly don't believe I will be any good at motherhood. I don't want to mess this child up. I'm not very patient, u exhaust myself with specific cleaning rituals due to mental health issues. I can't begin to imagine how ill have this under control once baby is here. Then on the flip side, I feel so afraid that I'll lose again. Its so bizarre! Should I properly voice my fears and feelings to my husband. I'd like to at least tell my doctor in case I struggle when baby is here. I'm having nightmares every night about it all going wrong, either losing baby or being a complete mess on my own when baby is here and by on my own I mean, that no kne understands how I can be THAT way.
Please can someone who's maybe a little experience reach out to me and be straight.
Thank you xxx

I think it’s not at all unusual to have serious doubts about how you’ll be as a parent. Will you love them, will I have what it takes to do what I need to do once he/she is born etc.

My SIL probably wouldn’t have had children if my DB hadn’t wanted them so much. She is now a grandma of 5 and is one of the most patient, loving and loved DMs I’ve come across. You don’t have to be flooded with maternal longing to be a good mother.

I would definitely tell your midwife/GP how your feeling so they can help you through these feelings and check how you feel after the baby arrives. Your hormones will be all over the place which definitely doesn’t help and I remember having the most disturbing nightmares throughout pregnancy which I was told isn’t uncommon either. Definitely talk to whoever is looking after you. You aren’t on your own and these are very normal fears.

I can’t say I have ever been the most ‘maternal’ person. I’m not really interested in other peoples children and don’t find them fascinating at all.

I love my DD and she is perfect! I am even pregnant again and looking forward to adding to the family.

I didn’t feel overwhelmed with love during my pregnancy or even straight after it. I was worried about something going wrong and focused on the negative. Not this magical experience TV and movies would let you believe.

But I love my DD, she is the best thing that ever happened to me!

I think these feelings are normal, especially when you're having your first child. I remember feeling terrified of it all too, and I too lost 2 babies before I had DS, and experienced similar fear of losing another pregnancy also.

I think the thing I've realised since having DS nearly 2 years ago is that you find your own way of parenting that works for you and your child, and as long as you're trying your best, then you're doing everything you can possibly do for your child. Kids don't come with a manual and I think the best thing I ever learned to do was not to put pressure or expectatiom on myself in any kind of parenting situation.

I also found talking to my midwife really helpful, she actually referred me for CBT which helped massively during pregnancy and even after DS was born.

Aside from the cleaning OCD, it is not something you need to worry too much about. You will most likely be a good mum (you may be rubbish with babies but still end up being a great mum). If you turn out to be an awful mum, then you can return to work after a few months to pursue your career more vigorously and your DH can be a SAHD. Simple.

The cleaning OCD could become an issue though. Maybe consider some therapy for that.

It's often different when you actually have the baby. Your hormones kick in and you want to care and look after them, even if you didn't feel maternal before. You should tell your midwives about your worries/ocd etc as they may be able to offer you additional support. Is there someone who can support you as well as your partner? A trusted friend or relative who is aware of your ocd etc? Babies are messy and there's not a lot of time for cleaning in the first few months! But if you have support hopefully you can get through that.