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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Family - how to bring this up with partner?

22 replies

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:16

Hey! So I'm 15 weeks on Monday and we are over the moon

Little things keep worrying me about family, for example - other half's mum said the other day about being outside of the hospital whilst I'm giving birth incase my partner needs her..

This is our first baby and I get it in a way, but also I don't want to feel overwhelmed and have people rushing in to see the baby straight away... do you think it's fair if I explain this point and maybe suggest we just don't tell anyone I'm in labour? Not sure if I'm just being harsh?

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Batbatbatty · 21/10/2022 11:19

I wouldn't tell anyone! I didn't tell anyone at all, was a nice surprise the next day when I sent pics of our newborn over WhatsApp 😊

I didn't want the stress of thinking that people were waiting for an update.

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:19

@Batbatbatty thank you so much, im glad it's not just me who feels like this! I'll have to tell my mum as she'll have the dog but I don't want anyone else knowing xx

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LadyDanburysHat · 21/10/2022 11:22

Yes, get your partner on board with not telling anyone. Also, your partner is there to support you at the birth, not to get support from his Mother.

When I was pregnant with my first my Mum kept mentioning me phoning her as soon as I went into labour. I had no intention and just smiled and nodded.

LadyDanburysHat · 21/10/2022 11:23

Also to add, tell him you don't want family worrying. My in laws ended up knowing as I went into labour at their house. My fil was beside himself until he got news. And if you tell people they expect updates. Your partner does not want to have to feel pressured to update people when he needs to be concentrating on you.

lilroo87 · 21/10/2022 11:25

We don't live close to family but didn't tell anyone until our DD was born

Chucklefuck · 21/10/2022 11:25

I didn't tell anyone I was in labour, the feeling of expectation would have done my head in.

Just rang round close family once the baby was here and I was having a cuppa.

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:25

@LadyDanburysHat

I just told him this and he couldn't understand, seems crazy to me but at the end of the day I'm the one who has to give birth and it will make me uncomfortable knowing she's outside waiting so he's said we won't tell anyone but he didn't seem very happy about it xx

I agree I don't want to feel pressured xxx

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ICanHideButICantRun · 21/10/2022 11:28

It's her behaviour that he should be uncomfortable about, not yours. Who on earth would want to give birth knowing their MIL was standing outside waiting? He should tell her that if she wants to know when you go into hospital, she has to agree to sit in her own house and wait for news, like any other normal person would.

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:31

@ICanHideButICantRun exactly! When she said it it honestly shocked me, my own mother wouldn't even do that, I thought it was bizarre and made me feel really uneasy!

She's already talking about getting a car seat for her car too, when in reality I've made it quite clear the baby won't be leaving my side for a long time! Makes it so stressful

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Lcb123 · 21/10/2022 11:33

most People I know didn’t tell anyone they were in labour - apart from if they needed childcare for another child! I’d mention it in advance though so his mum isn’t upset

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:34

@Lcb123 that makes sense! Okay yeah I'll bring it up and say we won't be telling anyone when we go into labour!

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Dollydea · 21/10/2022 11:38

My MIL & SIL wanted to wait in the Labour ward whilst I was giving birth, I'm not close with either of them (neither is DH tbh), no bad feelings or anything but it would've been weird to know they were just sat there waiting.
I just didn't tell them I was in Labour and DH sent a pic of DD to them once she was born. I think they were a bit miffed at first but once they'd visited a few hours later then it was all forgotten.

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:42

@Dollydea similar situation!! Although I'm closeish to MIL I'm no where near as close as I am with my own mum so why I'd want her waiting outside is crazy to me! If my partner required support from his mother whilst we're having a baby that doesn't bode well!

I'm happy for them to come hours later to meet the baby but not be waiting outside for baby to be born! Xx

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autienotnaughty · 21/10/2022 11:48

It's perfectly reasonable to not want a queue of people waiting outside while you give birth. You probably won't feel up to visitors immediately after plus with any skin to skin/after care/having a bath, it can be a while until you go to the ward like a couple of hours so they could be hanging around a long time. Also there's usually visiting hours? Hospitals don't want people there if they don't need to be. And agree your husband needs to focus on you and baby not on his entourage. I'm guessing your husband doesn't fully know what to expect in terms of practicalities and is possible apprehensive and liking the idea of support. My dh thought my elder dc could wait in a corridor but I knew it wasn't practical

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 11:51

@autienotnaughty - 100% agree with this, he really needs to focus on just the three of us! Yes it's exiting for everyone but at the end of the day it's our baby and I shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable! The fact he's being funny about it already is stressing me out!

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Worthyornot · 21/10/2022 12:56

There is absolutely no bloody reason for her to be there other than overbearing! What support does your dp need?? You are the one giving birth, you need the support! And your support is not be made feel uncomfortable after such giving birth. Start putting your foot down to both your dp and her, else you're in for a world of problems with them both.

Original poster

xttcbabyno1x · 21/10/2022 12:58

@Worthyornot you're right thank you!! I've told him she's not coming and waiting outside, he seemed miffed at first but now he's saying that that's fine

I will be putting my foot down on a few things because I am going to be made to feel uncomfortable!

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable!

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wibblewobbleball · 21/10/2022 13:01

It's really easy to wreck your head with all of this kind of stuff throughout pregnancy. Instead, agree with your DH that you won't know how you will feel about family involvement in labour, delivery and immediate post partum life (visiting etc) until it happens, and therefore it's best to tell everyone that it's all very unpredictable and you're not making plans right now to inform family or anything of the sort. My mil was extremely overbearing but didn't realise it, throughout my first pregnancy and my DH went along with it. Second time round he's really had my back with the above type of line, and has also said things like "the most important thing right now is to support Wibble through her pregnancy, anything else can wait". Congrats on your pregnancy OP!

Daisychainsx · 21/10/2022 13:39

You are very right to not want someone standing outside the hospital while youre in labour, you could be in there for days! Thats a pressure nobody needs. I'm saying zero visitors to the hospital except for DH, no exceptions. I don't know what birth is like or how I'm gonna be, and I certainly don't want to be worrying about people coming to see me when I'm at my physical worst. We live near my in laws but in a different country to my parents, and im not particularly close to my in laws. Theyre lovely and all but a lot older, a bit suffocating when we are together, and are very different in their views and beliefs to my side of the family. its not an easy one to navigate. I totally get where you're coming from.
I'm even going so far as to give the in laws visiting times, between 12-3 to begin with and then we can see how were all getting on and change it if need be. I think it's fair but DH thinks its a bit regimented... which it is! Especially when my own mum will be coming to stay with me for a week or so. But I just want to bond as a family unit without everyone hanging about all day waiting for a 'shot' of the baby, and I know I can tell my mum to go into the guest annexe with the dogs and leave us be for a few hours and she will do it without taking offence, along with the cleaning and cooking etc. My MIL not so much!

Set your boundaries early on, she is just a well meaning mother excited that her son is going to be a dad, but a lot of people forget that it can be a traumatic time for a new mum and its most important that you are happy and comfortable so that you can have the best start with baby! She will have a lifetime of memories to make with her new GC.

dontbringthatbirdinhere · 21/10/2022 14:02

OP have a look at some books about hypnobirthing and get your partner to read them.

They talk about how any stresses or pressures on you in labour can make your labour slow down/stop progressing. Bad for you and baby for baby. Something like this is exactly what they're talking about.

I think reading these books will really help your partner understand how you needed to be shielded from other people and the outside world while you're in labour and right afterwards.

houseofboy · 21/10/2022 16:41

I wouldn't worry too much, once your in labour it tends to be all consuming I didn't k ow what time of the day it was let alone who did or didn't know. Also be prepared for feelings to change, I was adamant no one was costing us till we got home with my first but I ended up in a couple of days and my parents visited the evening after he was born. Second was a covid baby and so didn't get to have any visitors. I would be non committal at this stage and see how it goes at the time.

catsnore · 21/10/2022 17:04

Just don't tell anyone! We made the mistake of letting someone know my progress in labour and they posted it on Facebook! I had no idea but was rather shocked to discover it afterwards! Such a weird thing to do.

Also be rather vague about your due date otherwise you get endless texts - 'any sign of baby?' 😂

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