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Original poster

Is anyone struggling with an awful partner?

12 replies

sunshineholidays · 20/10/2022 09:17

Is anyone else struggling? Or can anyone else that's been there provide some words of advice ?
I really don't know what to do. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and have been struggling with crippling depression. I could never have predicted how bad things would get with my boyfriend of 7 years. This is an unplanned pregnancy, albeit very welcome. I'm delighted and so excited about becoming a mum. But throughout my boyfriend has been mean, uninterested and a bully. He's ridiculed me for not coping, and when I was referred to the perinatal mental health team said my baby would be taken away. What makes it more complicated is he is a Jekyll and Hyde character; when he's nice he can be so great and the man that I love. But when he's mean he says and does things that are unforgivable. Jekyll comes out when he's drunk (he has a drinking problem and can't stop when he starts - long story and he refuses to get therapy. Yes I know this is a big problem). Jekyll was always there but it's come out so much more since I got pregnant.
I've no family support network apart from sister who just says leave him. Unfortunately that's just not doable at the moment due to various factors including financial (I am not dependent on him but couldn't move solo at the moment).
I think I would have suffered with depression regardless but he makes it so, so much worse. He has this idea that he would be a brilliant father but he has become a useless partner so I am not sure how this is going to work. In our antenatal classes he is so involved and pretends to be the loving partner but behind closed doors doesn't care - so this tells me he at least knows what he is supposed to be doing ?
I've just had yet another sleepless night due to him starting a fight with me after coming home at midnight drunk. I'm terrified about how the stress is impacting my baby.

Has anyone been there and it's got better?

OP posts:
Mydoggosarethebest · 20/10/2022 09:19

You need to leave this man ASAP. The baby will not change him. Seriously, get out of that relationship!

mavismorpoth · 20/10/2022 09:48

Leave now and don't add him to the birth certificate.

Devo1818 · 20/10/2022 09:59

Hi OP. I think you're looking for reassurance that it will be OK once the baby is here. I really don't think you'll find that here. It sounds like the pregnay has triggered something in him that has made him nasty and abusive - that does happen, DV for example is more common. It sounds like he really needs some professional help but that's not something you can do for him, it needs to come from his desire to change. I wish you luck

OooohAhhhh · 20/10/2022 10:05

Midwives ask if everything is ok at home at your routine appointments, and I'd be honest as they may be able to start the ball rolling for whatever can be done.

AnxietyForever · 20/10/2022 10:08

He sounds like an horrible abusive man! He will not change when the baby is here, in fact he will probably up the anti and become even more of a dick.

He is probably the reason why your depression is so bad, please contact womens aid or speak to your midwife.

You are in a abusive relationship, please protect your baby from this man and leave him.

Sicario · 20/10/2022 10:10

My ExH turned highly abusive the moment I was expecting our first child. I knew at that moment that I was in big trouble. It was the day I realised I was in a dangerous, abusive marriage.

Please leave this abusive relationship.

It will not get better. It will get worse.

This is a terrible situation to bring a baby into. For your sake, and the sake of your unborn child, you need to face up to reality and make plans for a future free from abuse.

Looplee123 · 20/10/2022 10:19

I understand it’s hard to leave but you need to start making a plan to get out safely. Save as much money as you can and build a support system around you. Contact some local women’s aid charities to see what support you are entitled too. Research what benefits you would get as a single parent.

WitchDancer · 20/10/2022 10:43

If it's this bad now, it will only get worse once baby is here. I understand you feel you can't leave but I really feel it would be the best thing to do before things get really bad. I wish you good luck. Flowers

Yourteaisgettingcold · 20/10/2022 11:54

My ex husband was like your boyfriend. I left hi when our son was 18 months old, I didn't have a pot to piss in but, honestly, my life got better.

I wish I had left him months/years before that.

My point is - it won't get better and IMO being a single mum is much easier than being a single mum in a relationship even if you don't have money.

IsThePopeCatholic · 20/10/2022 12:06

Leave before you have the baby. He will get worse once the baby is there and you will be more trapped. For the good of you and your baby, you need this man out of your life. While you're in this relationship, you can’t be objective about the harm he is doing to you. Once you’re out, you’ll realise how damaging he has been. Good luck, op! I’m sure you’ll be a great mum, but you need this man out of your life so that you and the baby can flourish.

Hatscats · 20/10/2022 14:08

Baby will make things way worse, get out while you can!
I wouldn’t raise a child around an alcoholic either, it’s not fair on the kid!

GG1986 · 23/10/2022 15:04

Please talk to your midwife asap! Do not spend the rest of your pregnancy thinking he will suddenly change or things will get better once baby is here, it will most likely get worse. Hope you can manage to sort something out and get yourself in a better place mentally, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. X

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