First time mum

[Looneychops]

I am not sure if this will make me better or worse but I just want to know I’m not alone. My partner and I planned and spoke about trying for a baby for a long time, it’s all I used to pester him for constantly asking. Finally after 6 years of being together we believed it was finally time. We were slightly worried that we wouldn’t be able to have children due to different complications. However after the first month of trying I took the test and was so excited but also very nervous as it was positive, didn’t think it was going to happen so quick! Now at week 11 I am fully panicking, full of anxiousness and doubt. My sickness and stress is through the roof (however going to the doctors did help), I’m doubting my relationship with my partner (never have done before, he’s my soul mate) but the doubt of loving him is there, I am doubting our home, wether this baby was the right thing to do these thoughts won’t go away and constantly have an anxious knot in my tummy. I am so scared and nervous and full of anxiety about this as I’ve never done this before. My family, partner and friends keep telling me that I’ll be okay and that it’s just the pregnancy scaring me but I just didn’t know if anyone else has ever thought the same. I feel silly for feeling like this as I thought I’d be excited and happy but actually now terrified and feel crazy.

Hiya! I'm week 11 too, and I know exactly how you feel.
It's been a long time that you've been thinking about having a baby, it's no wonder that you're feeling nervous and anxious about it, it will never feel like the "right" time.
I had absolutely awful anxiety between weeks 3-7, and was barely eating, totally convinced I will be a shit mum and that I should terminate. As a side note, not having enough food in me has become a massive trigger for physical anxiety for me in pregnancy, it could be triggering yours to some extent too - I'm sure that everyone will have been telling you this with sickness, but literally anything you can stomach will be a massive help. I lived on grapes and fry toast for a week (somehow!).
The very best thing I can recommend though is speaking to your doctor or midwife about the anxiety as they will be able to talk to you about your pregnancy and help you to see it in context. It is a massive life change and it's totally natural for it to trigger feelings of thinking you/your home/your relationship might not be good enough for a baby. Keep checking in with your partner, and friends (if you feel comfortable telling one or two very close friends) and keep talking. I hope you feel better really soon

I had this with DS. I was so sick for around 24 weeks and hated every second of pregnancy. I was so scared of being a crap mum and what the baby was going to do to my life. It got easier the further a long I went. Your not silly, pregnancy is terrifying! I couldn’t even talk about the pregnancy for weeks, I faked happiness around family and friends as I felt I had to. I wouldn’t have anything baby related in the house until 36 weeks. I was basically in a form of denial until about 2 weeks before he arrived and strangely just as I finished work. Speak to your Midwife. They really do help. I promise you - you are not crazy. It’s them flipping pregnancy hormones. Congratulations on the baby OP. I’m sure you will be absolutely amazing mama xx

Thank you so much for reply. Still feeling very anxious and upset, but have now been in contact with our local doctor so fingers crossed something should come from that. I feel so bad for my partner because saying to him constantly “I don’t know if we should be together” or “I’m not sure I love you now” panicking about our future and what it’ll be like with a child. He’s been the most supportive and kindest man but I just feel cruel for putting him through this when he’s my best friend and I’ve been with him for 6 years. I am 100% in denial that it’s pregnancy hormones and I think that’s why it’s creating such a upset. Again thank you so much for your reply! X

Oh OP, I remember these feelings very well and know what a horrid and scary space it is in your head.

my DD is now 3 weeks old and I can promise you, it gets easier. Your anxiety coming up to the 12 week scan, the thought of the huge life changes and being in charge of a tiny human combined with a huge surge of hormones is what will be triggering your anxiety.

I had all the same feelings, especially about my partner. Suddenly your making a huge commitment to have your partner in your life in some way forever - and it’s scary! You need this person to support you during your most vulnerable state, and the fear of them letting you down can be horrid.

BUT

Youve said he’s your soulmate, so you know how you truly feel about him. I use to have conversations in my head, every time I had these thoughts I would counteract it saying ‘ don’t be stupid, you know you love XXX, this is just the hormones talking’. By mid second trimester, when the hormones are levelled out slightly it does ease I promise!

Whilst communication is so very important, if you suspect this is just anxiety talking with no substance behind, I would be careful how you communicate to your partner your feelings. Saying ‘ I’m not sure we should be together, I’m not sure I love you’ could cause irreparable damage when your feeling better in the future. This is a scary time for both of you, remember your on the same team.

and please don’t feel like your feelings are abnormal, I know many women who have felt the same but it’s not often talked about because having a baby should be ‘nothing short of magical’. Not many talk about the negative feelings that can consume you

I remember this feeling well, it did last pretty much the entire pregnancy with a few days here or there where I was excited. I truly believe it’s the extra hormones.
I know it’s not always reassuring but you will be fine. One day you’ll look back and remember those feelings, they’ll feel alien as it’ll feel like your child has always been there. Your life before will probably feel strange to think about.
Mine is 3 years old now and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Don’t get me wrong, if I’d realised what it’s actually like back then, then I’d feel my anxiety was justified, but it’s the love for your child that makes the difference.
Try to be kind to yourself and understand your feelings are normal. Talking helps as well and it’s great you feel you can be honest with your partner. Talk to a friend or another mum, and I expect they’ll tell you their stories about being anxious.
The fact your anxious shows you care. Good mums care.