Pregnancy resentment??

[anyothername22]

Hi, I recently found out I'm pregnant with my second. We were going to start properly trying next month, so this is slightly ahead of schedule but by no means an issue. We were using contraception / cycle tracking, but also knew that we weren't being 100% careful – but we were fine with that as we knew we wanted another. This is very much a wanted baby – the above info is just to give a bit of context.

I don't feel worried at all about going from one to two. It'll be more work and more chaotic, I'm sure, but I know we'll figure it all out as it comes.

What I am unexpectedly struggling with is a feeling of resentment about being pregnant again. Our first has just turned one and I feel like I only just have my body back – i.e. feeling fit and strong again, no longer breastfeeding, able to wear whatever I want. (And my feet don't hurt anymore! Weirdly, I had so much foot pain until I stopped breastfeeding – maybe the relaxin?)

I didn't hate being pregnant the first time around (I had all the usual symptoms, but nothing terrible) and I had a straightforward birth (and I realise how lucky I am for both of those things!). It was only when I got 'back to normal' (which took about 9-10 months) that I realised how not normal I had felt for the preceding year and a half.

Perhaps early pregnancy hormones are making me more emotional, but I am struggling with a feeling of resentment that I am about to go through this intense physical process again. I think the element of surprise is exacerbating that feeling – I wasn't mentally prepared for pregnancy again. But I didn't think I needed to mentally prepare! I didn't expect to feel this way.

I'm just finding my groove being back at work as well. It feels like I've done so much work to get things back on track just to disrupt it all again. (Though that's parenthood, I guess...)

I'm so excited and grateful to be having a second baby. But if anyone else felt like this with their second pregnancy, or is going through it just now, I think it would help to hear from you and just know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I feel awful for having this reaction, but I just can't shake it.

Anyone?

There's pros and cons to age gaps! A closer age gap in the long run works out better

I just think you need to make sure you get some self care in before baby x

It sucks. Does your DP recognise the physically impact and therefore the emotional impact on you? Is he eternally grateful?

Well I am not blaming you for feeling this way... just accept the feeling and move on.

Similar thoughts here....although I don't have children yet. I would like to have a child, but the thought of going through pregnancy and its physical impacts really upsets me.

Yes, he does – as he should! :)

@Mamoun, you are right – accept and move forward. I'm usually pretty good at acknowledging and accepting difficult emotions, so maybe I just need have a bit of patience with this. And, as @snowbellsxox said, a bit of self-care!

I'm also pregnant with #2 and I hate it. DS is 3.5 - it took me that long to recover from being pregnant the first time. I have rough pregnancies, but in no particular order I resent:

My lovely clothes not fitting and having to find non-hideous maternity clothes
Getting fat
Looking haggard because I can't use tretinoin
Having shit greasy hair all the time
Being sick and tired all the time
All the dietary restrictions - I just want sushi, wine, a rare steak and some tuna fucking tartare
Food aversions
Being too knackered for most of my hobbies
Having my social life wrecked by many of the above

I am honestly baffled as to how anyone can enjoy having their life being turned upside down for 40 weeks.

Totally with you OP. I’m six months pregnant with my second (due in January) and my first has just turned 2.

It’s really hard, I’ve turned a bit of a corner now and am very tired but finally stopped being sick. While I was feeling awful the guilt at not being at my best for my first was a lot. After my first I was lucky to have a fairly quick physical recovery but mentally I was a wreck for the first 6 months and only just starting to feel a bit more settled when I got pregnant with the next baby.

New baby was planned (we wanted a fairly short age gap) and very much wanted so I’m not complaining but there is part of me that feels my mind and body have been trashed for nearly three years and realistically there’s at least another year to go, possibly more if I have the same mental health problems as last time.

In the long run I’m glad I’m getting this bit done in a relatively short period of time but it is bloody difficult.

You're not alone. I'm now 24 weeks along with my second, my toddler is 2 years, 3 months. We have fertility issues (DH) so we couldn't afford to hang around. By some miracle, we fell pregnant naturally 3 months before we were due to start icsi. Like you, wanted but a surprise. I was still breastfeeding to sleep twice a day and whilst my body had improved greatly, it was only a couple of weeks into the second pregnancy when I realised my legs could carry me better and my hips were no longer stiff when I stood up (my toddler completely stopped bf when I became pregnant). It felt fantastic but then obviously around 20 weeks pregnant, my body has started clicking again and the last two weeks, the hips are going dead at night. I also have bad round ligament pain this time round and I can have trouble walking. I feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant and have my second - there was a time I thought we'd have no children (DS was conceived through icsi), but that doesn't mean I also can't be a bit down about another hard time on my body, going through birth again, and potentially another 2 years breastfeeding - you give up your body and it's taxing. I know I wanted another and I also know we're done after this one comes along. I tell myself it's a time that flies by so try be in the moment and before I know it, I'll have another two year old and my body back again. It helps me to try bring myself back in the moment and realise it won't last forever. I'm just not a fan of pregnancy and baby years but love having a toddler and wanted a second child, so I know it'll be worth it in the end but it's still hard in the moment knowing we have all the sore body / lack of sleep to come again!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am similar in terms of timeline and I definitely have resentment but mine is related to breastfeeding guilt. My milk has dried up suddenly and baby and I are both very upset about it. I was hoping to continue feeding until at least two and let baby self wean instead of forced weaning. So I feel resentment towards the pregnancy for changing everything!

I think our hormones have so much to answer for.

I’m with you. I’m expecting a surprise second and I am struggling to come to terms with putting my body through it again. I had a complicated birth and when I look back at photos of the first month I look so ill. I’d also got used to my body being mine again, I was enjoying some new sports and feeling like I was getting fitter. Now I feel like I will be back to square one. No big advice, just solidarity

@Flittingaboutagain I had similar feelings when my supply gave up after a long period of nursery illnesses when DD was 14 months old - such a weird feeling of loss to be forced to stop before you/DC are ready.

Thank you so much for your replies – they have all helped so much.

It's like I'm on a rollercoaster of pregnancy, breastfeeding, recovery, pregnancy, and I keep thinking that by the time I feel back to normal (or mostly back to normal) after this second pregnancy, that will have been four years of my life.

It is worth it. But thank you for reassuring me that it is also okay and normal not to love the process either!

I feel you. I stopped breastfeeding less than 3 months ago. Body just started to get back into shape. Work good. Just found out I’m pregnant again. I want the baby but I’m just feel so down. “Urgh, this again”. I couldn’t exercise in later pregnancy and I’m so pissed off about it. There will be 23 months between them, what’s your gap?

I know what you mean, this is a very much wanted second baby which took well over a year to conceive. But I had forgotten how tired and emotional pregnancy is. My 2.5 year old is also now not sleeping through the night and I keep thinking ‘what have I done’.

But even at just 9 weeks pregnant, I already love the baby and know it’s the right choice. It’s just bloody hard!

Oh well, I’ll go comfort myself with a glass of wine and some pate. Oh wait I can’t, I’m pregnant 🤪

@PurBal There will be 21 months between them! I love exercise and being active and I also found it hard being so restricted in late pregnancy with my first. That said, covid made everything very different, so maybe I will find it a bit easier to stay active this time around, eg going to a class specifically for pregnant women or something, or going down to the gym for a swim (not usually my sport of choice).

@Sallyh87 And the non-alcoholic wine is just pointless, isn't it! Tastes awful.

Yes 100% know where you're coming from. I'm 33 weeks, first DD is 2 and 8 months. The worst thing is the guilt of missing out on her being so much fun at this age. I can't play properly, and I'm so knackered it feels like we're always watching tv, I haven't even got mental energy to do crafts or whatever. This pregnancy has been crap compared to my first one I've had illness after illness, there's no time to recover. Can't do any of the things that I started to enjoy before this pregnancy like gardening, all spare child free moments I have to rest. It's rubbish! Luckily my husband is incredible, I think he feels bad for what I'm going through (rightly 😂).
But we planned this baby and long term it's definitely the right choice. And my daughter is so excited it almost makes it bearable!

I hear you! Currently pregnant with no.2, which was entirely planned and wanted, but I got pregnant literally first try and I wasn’t really prepared. I thought we’d get at least a couple of months of the fun bit and some gearing up time! Obviously really glad for it but I realised how much of my first pregnancy I’d forgotten (was in 2020 so a lot going on…) and I’ve been so tired and now I’m heavy and pregnancy is so bloody LONG.

I was also still breastfeeding when I fell pregnant though had to stop 3 months in due to drying up/bad aversion, so I’ve not even had a proper break before I’m back into it. Can’t wait for baby girl to join in Jan and we’ll have a 26 month gap, but yeh I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s ok to feel all the feelings x

I’m pregnant with number two and don’t so much feel it about my body but more about the fact I could see potentials for evenings out or maybe even a weekend away on the horizon and now I know I’ll be hunkering down again. Feel very blessed to be pregnant again though.

@Sallyh87 if you’re a cider drinker: Sheppys non alcoholic cider is the bomb

I can so relate to what you’re saying - every time I’ve been pregnant it feels like I’m losing control of myself as a separate person. I thought planned pregnancies would feel better as first was unplanned but each time it’s there. It’s such a big change isn’t it. Making a bit of time for just me regularly helps - to exercise, chill or spend time with friends.

Re: the foot pain. It’s really important to take supplements of vitamin D while pregnant - then vitamin D and calcium when breastfeeding too and to also give the baby vitamin D drops. I had horrendous joint pain and eventually found out I was really deficient.

I think it's difficult for people to talk about these things sometimes, especially when there are those going through infertility. It makes us sound ungrateful about being pregnant. I am so grateful for both my pregnancies, but honestly, I hate being pregnant. And we should be allowed to talk about this. Pregnancy and all that comes with it is really difficult.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant, nausea and vomiting for most of the day, complete loss of appetite, food aversions (to even toast!), feeling exhausted and want to sleep all day, but working full time, hiding how awful I'm feeling as we haven't shared the news yet, and going home to housework and my toddler in the evenings who has now decided to stop sleeping through the night, and asking to start his day at 5am every day.

I think it's also harder being pregnant second time around, not only because you have another child to run around after, but because you know what's coming this time. I get so little sleep as it is, and it's only going to get worse when I can no longer get comfortable at night when the bump makes an appearance. Round ligament pain, sciatica, putting weight on, water retention and swelling, low iron, risk of gestational diabetes... your body just isn't yours anymore. The only thing I really do love about pregnancy is feeling the baby moving around, but honestly can't think of anything else!

Then when the baby arrives, of course you feel so blessed to have a baby, the cuddles are lovely, and you love them so much... but at the same you are trying to recover from giving birth, stitches, bleeding etc with complete lack of sleep and trying to feed your baby to keep them alive. Going back to changing nappies all day when my toddler has finally got the hang of using the toilet, breastfeeding and feeling like I have a baby attached to me all the time, completely losing myself and feeling like my whole existence is just taking care of this baby who wont sleep and I can't figure out why they've been screaming for hours....

We're entitled to feel this way, and it's very normal. I hate being pregnant. I've heard more people voicing it recently, and I'm glad, because otherwise it can feel very lonely thinking you are the only one feeling like this and feeling guilty that you aren't being grateful. But just remember, you're not alone!