I want another baby

[Evla21]

I've got a 4 DS, and a 13m old DD. I'm lucky enough to have 1 of each. I've always wanted three children. Me and my husband discussed and agreed this before deciding on having a baby.

I had postnatal depression after my first and a difficult pregnancy on my second. My DS was, at that time, going through terrible 2s, I had raging hormones, sickness and undisagnosed bipolar disorder. I went through all sorts of issues which caused SS involvement.
I was robbed of my beautiful bonding time with my DD and an introduction to being a family of 4. Despite that, I still want that third baby we planned. Not right away but in three years time

I'm currently increasing my medication and have a much more stable mood. I'm confident that I'll be much better when I reach my personal dose suitable for me.

I'm so confident that with my diagnosis and stability of my mood that I'd be capable of having the third baby

When I talked about the prospect of the third baby my DH refuses to entertain the idea of it due to the above mentioned.

What do I do? It's literally breaking me.
😔

TIA

You want it in three years, you’ve just come off the back of a very difficult time, I’d give him a bit of space and see if things have changed in a year or so.

I agree with the above poster. Its been a difficult time recently and your DH has seen your mental health struggles. He may not want to jump at another child in fear of how things worked out with the other 2. He will be looking out for your own welfare and mental health, along with your children. Do you have any mental health support?

You may well have had a 3rd baby in your own mind planned, but things don't always work that way. I would dearly have loved 2 children, assumed that would be what I had, but 12 yrs TTC, 2 rounds of IVF and 3 MC's, you don't always get the family hoped for.

Look after the family you have and revisit it in future if a 3rd is what you both feel you need. Best of luck x

Thanks both, I know it might not happen in terms of me actually getting pregnant, and if that's meant t then so be it.

I guess my main issue is that we discussed and agreed the three children. I think that if my second had been a DS then his attitude would be different which annoys me a little. I'm so grateful for my beautiful children but I feel like someone is missing and that our family isn't complete
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Focus on getting to a better point mentally, enjoy your children and spending time with your family as it is now, have the conversation again in a year or two.

He is allowed to change his mind.

Bring it up again in another year or two, closer to the time you would want to be TTC.

Can you keep taking your medication while TTC and during pregnancy?

You're being unreasonable for a number of reasons here - firstly, you're creating an issue that doesn't yet exist. The way you are now, you're not in the best position to even consider another baby and secondly, you don't know how either of you will feel in 3 years time. You're minimising the affect the birth of your second child had on your husband and you've only mentioned the affect it had on you.

Lastly, just because he "agreed" to have 3 children, doesn't mean he's not allowed to change his mind and decide that 2 is enough.

It's understandable that he's feeling wary about another baby in these circumstances OP. You can't blame him for changing his mind!

I know it's not your fault but it sounds like it was pretty traumatic for him having to support you all through that .. I can't blame him for not wanting to do it again tbh!

If SS were involved it must have been pretty bad!

He's allowed to change his mind, I would be the exact same. Think it's a little irresponsible to bring another one into it with your illnesses sorry, they could relapse at any time.

Just don't mention it for a year or two. Let your dh see for himself that you're in a better place and coping. Obsessing over it now, when it's not even your intention to have a third for 3 years isn't the best signal to him that you're in the right frame of mind for a third. Enjoy the two you have and revisit the subject with your dh a year or so down the line.

It sounds like your existing 2 children have had a terrible time while you were not well mentally. You need to concentrate on them and see there is no long term damage. A 3rd child will disrupt that, and the 2 will find they, again, have less of your time (as you’d need to give priority to the baby) and might go through another trauma.

this is not a regular 4 person family, and the issue is not just that the husband doesn’t want a 3rd child.

the issue is building / rebuilding the bonds within family. Your husband is right in not deciding anything right now or deciding against it. It’s possible things will be great in 3 years time and you all can reconsider and adding another member won’t disrupt or make a bad situation worse.

Yes I can. The kind of medication I have is suitable for pregnancy and breastfeeding.
X

He agreed to three before your diagnosis. The equation has changed considerably. He is allowed to chsnge his mind regardless.

I'm absolutely not downplaying the effect that my mental health has had on my husband. I'm so grateful to have him, his support and his strength. He's absolutely our rock and he never lets us down. He's a doting father and an amazing husband. Im just finding it difficult to let go of the prospect of another child when it was something we both always wanted. X

Can you explain why social services were involved ? That’s very unusual when there is one capable functioning parent who is doing a good job caring for the children and another parent who is unwell .

Were you abusive or violent to your husband or children ?

What will a 3rd kid bring you that your existing 2 don't already?

Think about all the resources an hipotethical 3rd will take away from your existing 2 - time, mental attention, money for activities and further education etc etc

Other than fulfill an arbitrary old fantasy about how your life is supposed to look like?

I do understand where you're coming from OP. I never imagined having three, but DD2 is now almost 2 and I find myself feeling strongly that I want a third.
What stops me is both my age and also the fact that I had two previous difficult pregnancies (and an awful birth first time), which have left me at high risk. A third pregnancy could change my health and well-being for life. I decided my DDs who are already here don't deserve a diminished mum who might die younger than she need

Op gently, l do think you are being rather unreasonable, you have two healthy children, one of each and your first priority should be to them, with your (lovely sounding ) husband a close second.
You are so wrapped up in what you planned, but things change and your situation has changed, you have a condition that is tricky to manage and could affect your family, you have difficult pregnancies, and have had SS involvement.
Does that really make you think another baby is a good idea?

I too wanted three but had severe pre eclampsia with my DD who was tiny and very frail, and pre natal depression and relentless sickness for the full 9 months with both pregnancies.

When considering the much wanted third, l realised my exisitng dc would suffer badly with me unable to be anything of a parent whilst pregnant, for best part of a year of their formative years, not to mention leaving a huge burden on my DH and therefore my marriage.

It would have been selfish, so l chose to focus on how lucky l was to have two lovely children and my health and marriage intact...over time the longing subsided and l have no regrets.

Please ask yourself is your determination to have a third baby worth risking harm to the family you have ?