How to tell a friend who has experience pregnancy loss I’m pregnant..

[greeneyessparksfly]

Hi, I’m 15+4 weeks pregnant and I’m looking for some advice on the kindest way to tell a friend I’m pregnant, she lost a pregnancy around end of first trimester, earlier on this year before I then became pregnant in July. Losing her pregnancy was really upsetting for her and has impacted her mentally a lot. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, listening and just trying to be supportive. I have felt really sad for her as I know how much she wants a second child and she has mentioned that she is struggling seeing pregnant people and newborns at the moment (understandable). She is a fairly new friend (we met through another friend with our children) and she is aware that I’ve been trying for another baby too, although I have deliberately not mentioned anything for a long time now since her miscarriage. We don’t meet that often but we do check in on each other quite a bit, I have especially done this since her miscarriage. She has mentioned meeting up a couple of times recently and I’d like to see her but I want to tell her about my pregnancy before we see each other in person so she has time to digest the news in her own space. We have never called each other, we only text (although I think calling would potentially put her on the spot). Does anyone have any words of wisdom/best way to tell her this news in the kindest way possible? :(

I've been on both sides of this, I've been the friend who has had a miscarriage and been told about someone's pregnancy, but also been the pregnant friend who needed to tell someone who has experienced miscarriage.

I'd say that a text is definitely the way to go, it lets them process their feelings in their own time without requiring an instant reaction.

In terms of what to say, I think being honest is good. That you're pregnant but are aware that this is a difficult thing to mention because of her recent loss- but you'd love to meet up soon whenever she would like to.

If she doesn't reply immediately, that's okay. I think I took a few days to reply to a friend but I appreciated that time to process.

Definitely text, not call. Gives her some space to process her own feelings before she replies

I’ve been on both sides. A text with the honest truth is the best way to go. Don’t make assumptions about how she may feel about it, just let her know you are pregnant and due in X month.

I was sent photos of positive pregnancy tests and scan photos, I definitely wouldn’t do that.

This is going to be really hard. I would expect you and your friend to not be very good friends for a while because she will be keeping a distance from you. But it won't be your fault, and it won't be hers. This is going to be hard for her. I would wait as long as possible if I were you.

When I got pregnant, some 25-26 years ago, I rushed to tell an old school friend who I was quite close to (saw her 7 or 8 times a year,) but we hadn't been in touch for a month or so. I was excited to tell her that I was three months pregnant. Her brother and sister-in-law had had a baby four months earlier, (the first grandchild in the family.) Turns out the baby died just a few days before I rang my friend, (cot death tragically.)

She said. 'I'm not able to talk right now. My nephew has just died! This is NO time to tell me you're pregnant!' And she slammed the phone down on me. Very, very sad for the whole of their family. But she never got in touch with me again and I never saw her again.

We'd been friends for around half our lives at that point since we were 11 or 12 years old. I felt she resented me for telling her I was pregnant when her brother and SIL's baby died just a few days before. But I didn't know. I did leave an answerphone message for her a few weeks later, asking if she and her brother and sister in law and the family were OK, but she never got in touch again.

Very sad all around. Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way.

This is really hard to answer because everyone that has lost a baby will deal with it completely differently. I lost my son at 33 weeks last June and he was my first baby. I can only answer from my own point of view, though this may not apply to your friend.
For me, I still find it can be a punch to gut when I see a pregnancy announcement, and I've recently had my rainbow baby. However, this doesn't mean I'm angry or jealous of those who announce that they're pregnant, it just gave me a pang of 'but why can't I have my baby here?' However, if one of my friends was pregnant and didn't tell me, I would be deeply hurt. Losing a baby is a very, very lonely and isolating place to be. Nobody knows whatever to say, so many people ignore you. Those who do speak to you don't acknowledge the baby. So for me, if a friend then didn't share their pregnancy with me I think it would further add to the isolated feeling.
Like I said, I cannot speak for everyone, but this is just my take. Good luck ☺️

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. It’s been really helpful to read, and so sorry to those of you who have lost your little ones :(

I definitely want to tell her, I just wanted to get a gauge from other people who had experienced it. I spent yesterday evening writing out a message in my notes to her this evening that I’ll send to her in the next few days. I just wanted to add, and sorry for any drip feed, but we haven’t told anyone yet aside from 2 very close friends and our parents. Our son only found out last week, so I’m not holding it back from her in particular, but I definitely want her to find out before other people start mentioning it or discussing it as the last thing I’d want is for her to feel isolated like some of you have mentioned, or as if I didn’t want to tell her because of her miscarriage. I just want to do it in the kindest and most thoughtful way possible. I had a close relative lose her baby to a stillbirth at fullterm a couple of years ago, it is such a devastating thing to go through and it’s really important to me that I am sensitive about how I tell her.

@greeneyessparksfly have you told her yet?
I just want to say that you are such a good friend. Just make sure you say that you understand it is not easy time for her and you will understand if she needs some space, etc, that you are constantly thinking of her.
She is lucky to have someone like you, I had two losses this year and some friends were terrible, lost my faith in people this year.

Hi @lovenaps, I did tell her a couple of weeks ago, I spent ages trying to word it in the best way and in the end I sent her a text that explained I was pregnant and hadn’t really told many people but wanted her to know before it became more public. I also said that whilst I thought she’d be happy for us I also knew it would be bittersweet/tough and that I’m sure there would be a lot of emotions she would be feeling and it was absolutely ok to want some space. I really worried after I sent it but she replied quite quickly in a really positive way and as far as I know I think I said it in the best way I could. I also checked in with a mutual friend afterwards to see if she was ok and to let her know I’d told my friend so that she could continue to be supportive that way too if she wanted to talk to someone (who wasn’t me). Thank you for saying about being a good friend, that is kind of you, I just wanted to be as respectful as possible. I’m so sorry you’ve not had the best experience with friends in the last year and so sorry for your losses too.

@greeneyessparksfly sounds like you worded everything perfectly! If I were your friend, it would've meant to much to get a message like that. I can only imagine she must be very grateful for the way you handled it.

You've been extremely sensitive and thoughtful. If only more people were like you!