Feeling lost.

[Kag00023]

I am in a very complicated situation and am now pregnant (6 weeks)
I met someone at the end of February and we dated casually. In May 2022 I got pregnant (complete shock at the time) and miscarried at the end of June which I found far more difficult emotionally than I anticipated. It made me realise I wanted a child. At the time, he said he didn’t want kids etc but then changed to saying he did. He was always inconsistent in what he wanted but we had a great connection and feelings got stronger following the miscarriage although he would never commit to an exclusive relationship. I chose to stay.

In August, I found out he had been with someone else alongside me and said he viewed relationships differently and wanted to be with us both. I felt I couldn’t say he had cheated fully as we had never officially been in a relationship. I chose to stay and try it…I did a lot of reading and but this point loved him and part of me thought it may work if I was getting my needs met-which, before finding out I felt I was despite the status part.

he was also by this stage saying he saw himself as having children with me and, following the miscarriage I wanted a child with him a lot.

one night in September (things were still rocky) we had sex and I said I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to finish inside me. He did and I didn’t stop him. That night have resulted in me being pregnant again.

when I told him he was really happy and incredibly supportive however, I have been the one freaking out massively about the situation we are in (relationship wise). He is asking me not to change him and the more I freak out the more I push him away and he feels pressured by me.

we live apart and ultimately I would want us to live together and have some form of family live (without changing him..he is still with this other girl who is 25 and at a very different stage to me in life. She doesn’t know about the pregnancy yet) he is 40.

writing this down, I know it sounds a crazy situation and yes, I should have walked away in august or taken precautions.

my question is, given he is saying he will be there for baby and ideally, wants it to work with me too (in the current circumstances) do I go ahead with the pregnancy and trust he will be there? I trust he will be there for baby but me I am not sure given how I am being. Or, do I have an abortion and walk away from everything?

I am scared of being 35 and on my own and scared I don’t get the chance to be a mum again…also, could I go through with an abortion.

I am also scared of all the uncertainties of the future with him if I have the baby… Or do I leave him and Co-parent. I’m not sure I want to have a baby and Co-parent from the onset.

please don’t judge. I appreciate this situation sounds crazy and I haven’t made the best decisions.

Your responsibility is now to your unborn child and you need to make any future decisions with his/her best interests at heart.

Do you think it’s fair to bring them into this mess? I would leave and prepare to be a single parent or to co-parent if he actually is true to his word.

Stop being afraid and take control.

That does sound like a very difficult situation...

Just know that his desire to have a child and be involved doesn't need to influence your decision to have an abortion or keep the baby. Do what you want to do personally, as long as you are able to cope with potentially doing it alone.

It sounds messy. I'm 20 weeks and my hormones are raging. I cry at the drop of a hat and I need my husband to be by my side 100%, I can't imagine doing this while relying from support from a guy who is sleeping with and looking after someone else. But if it works for you then it's not up to anyone else to give their opinions.

How would you feel if, the week the baby is born, he gets another girlfriend and although he's said he'll be there, he's nowhere to be seen? Or if he got another girlfriend pregnant and showed them more commitment?

Based on what I know about how I've rescted to pregnancy, I'd end any sort of romantic relationship with him straight away and tell him it's a strictly co-parent relationship until after the baby arrives, then see how the land lies. I'm waaaay too vulnerable at this point in my pregnancy to be dealing with an open relationship (on one side!), and it's possible that you may feel the same.

Or, if you've fully thought it through and you think it's best for YOU, have an abortion.

Nobody has any right to judge you for your choices. Good luck OP, keep us posted on how you're getting on.

Do not rely on this man. He is showing you that you should not, and telling you that you should not.

Would you be happy to raise this child by yourself? If so, go ahead. If you are uncertain, Marie Stopes offer a free counselling session to help you decide either way.

You are dreaming of a family life. You are not going to get that with this man.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through as well as deal with all the emotions of a pregnancy following loss. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like this man is going to be able to give you what you need in the long run so I’d make your decision on that basis. It sounds like you really want a baby, but having this baby and still being in love with him when he’s having relationships with others will be hard. Only you can make the decision in the end, but whatever you choose be kind to yourself and know that while neither option is your ideal you can only make the best decision with the facts available to you now. Good luck, and if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy there are lots of support groups for pregnancy after loss which can be helpful. The Worst Girl Gang Ever has a good one on Facebook x

I know, you are right. I have a call today with pregnancy crisis centre to talk through everything. I appreciate your responce.

This above.

he is more likely to leave you then commit his whole life and future to you and baby. He might want to (maybe) but might not be able to do so. He’s 40 but acting like a 25 year old (not all 25 year olds either!)

so you need to make a decision allowing for the fact that he might disappear completely from your life or that, at best, he’ll be only partially available physically and emotionally, from being involved in other relationships.

until 35 I didn’t know if I wanted to have a baby or not. I became certain then and set out to find a man who wanted the same thing. I told them from the start I only want to start dating if they are at the same stage. went on lots of dates, discovered men are honest about it, you just have to listen carefully and pay attention to both actions and words. I was surprised many men were relieved to have the conversation bc they wanted the same thing but wouldn’t have said it. Found plenty also who half mouthed yes or could have a child “if the woman wants it”, etc

Found a wonderful man and had my baby at 38, having 2nd now at 42.

you’re not too late and men who will commit to you and you alone are out there.

what you describing might work if you’re ok with it and possible futures. You are already having doubts so think well about it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sorry but he can't be relied on.

If you have the baby, you will be a solo mum. Sounds to me like you want to go ahead too. All the best

Thank you for all you responses. I’m pretty sure my gut is telling me to not risk the uncertainty that will come with having a child with him, even if it were Co-parenting, it’s not what I want and I can only see that being a challenge if he wants to be completely involved.

The woman I spoke to on the phone today obviously could not tell me what to do however, she felt I should attend the private scan I have booked on Saturday. She also spoke of the many woman who phone their centre struggling emotionally following an abortion, even years later. She did also say, like yourselves, that I cannot rely on him to be there however, following that call I put abortion out the window yet have continued to google and read things about it this afternoon.

I am really terrified of going through the abortion process. I’ve tried to think of it as miscarrying again. I think it’s the thought of taken the tablets myself and waiting. Very scary.

I need to take responsibility for the situation whatever I decide and follow through with it. I’m feeling quite low (something I’ve not felt in a long time..just like a cloud) and my focus for work is 0. I need to keep believing that if I have an abortion, there will be better things ahead.

There will be better things ahead. You are at a good age to know what you want and to go get it.

it sounds to me you’ve been a bit adrift with this guy from the start, if you knew from the beginning what you now know, that you want a baby and a committed father, not just a fulfilling relationship, I don’t think you’d still be with him. It is harder now to let go as you’ve developed feelings but it will be easier to find another man now that you know what you want and you can end things from the start if you see you are not on the same page.

You’ll probably struggle no matter what decision you make. It’s normal to feel low and you need to allow yourself the time and space to come to terms with whatever decision you take.

Also you don’t need to make a decision right away. Ask on the phone what options you have and for what stages, so for ex until what week pills are allowed, then what’s the next option etc. so you know how much time you have to decide. I would also try to make a decision on my own, and stop seeing him until I do.

be kind to yourself, and see if you can get friends and family to be there for you.

Thank you.

My mum knows, although, I thought she was aware of everything and apparently she wasn’t so to say it came as a shock he was still with the other person is a light way of putting it and with me being pregnant aware to top it all off didn’t make for the best conversation. Anyway. She will be there for me and I have a few close friends who will support me.

I will take the time I need and, you are right, it is better to fully make this decision alone, away from him. I feel it’s important I stick to that.

I will ask re timescales tomorrow although, the longer I am pregnant, the harder it would be to have an abortion I feel.

I appreciate people taking the time to respond. It’s helped me, so thank you.