Lonely, unwanted and used

[Whittygirl123]

So I am now 26 weeks pregnant and just don’t know if it’s the hormones or if it is reasonable to feel like I do.
I found out I was pregnant at just over 4 weeks, 3 days after coming back from a lovely holiday with my partner. I had miscarried last year so was super happy although very nervous about the pregnancy progressing this time. I told my partner who near enough freaked out. He told me he didn’t want to be with me, didn’t love me and was only with me so I didn’t leave the business (he owns the business and I work there part time as well as another job). We split but obviously I had to continue working there to be able to pay the mortgage ect. He came to my first midwife appointment with me but then nothing else. Things were very difficult at work with him treating me very badly and talking to me like I was a piece of dirt. I told him we needed to sit down and talk about the future with baby, work etc and he said no. So the following day I handed my notice in. He went ballistic and badgered me constantly for the next week when he basically said he would be screwed without me there and near enough begged me not to leave. I agreed aslong as the work environment improved and we started getting on well again. He then near enough moved back into mine as he started coming round after work, having dinner, staying over ect. He came to the 20 week scan then. To everyone else we look like a normal couple. We go away with friends together. Go out for dinner just the two of us and also with friends. We buy stuff together. Sleep together. All the things couples should do.
the last few weeks I have started to feel lonely and like I’m almost being used. He is currently working away and has been for 5 days this time but has been away before this and not once has he asked how I am, baby is etc. All of our calls/texts are to do with work when I’m at work. Anything else I text him about he pretty much ignores.
I don’t really know what advise I’m looking for on here to be honest. Am I just holding onto this hope of us being a family? He was so happy last year when I found out I was pregnant and was devastated when I miscarried so I don’t know what has changed. Will it change? He gets super stressed at work but is this just me making excuses for him. Is it me pushing him? Am I expecting too much? Am I looking into it too much?

This made me so sad. I think your post says it all. He's only with you for work convenience and doesn't care about you or your well being. Just his business. Please leave him and his business and find work elsewhere and look into all the support you can get as a single parent. He doesn't sound like he'll stick around once the baby is here or once his business stabilises. You can make a family unit with someone else when the time is right. Don't force it with someone who is obviously just using you economically and doesn't care about you or your child. Enjoy your pregnancy and the joy of what is about to come. Congratulations

Yes you are being used. Change the locks while he’s away and just stop going to work. It’s not like he would give you a good reference if you worked your notice. (Also not to be a dick but it’s etc not ect)

@Regularsizedrudy Are you taking the piss? Firstly, people in real life don't just change the locks while their partner is gone just because they decide they're not happy, and secondly she says ETC the whole way through she just said ECT once clearly in error.

OP the whole situation is a mess. It's very very very difficult to build up the courage to leave a relationship with someone you want to be with when you know you're not being treated right. It's even harder to do it when you're heavily pregnant with that persons child. But you already know that its not right. It sounds as though he's staying with you purely because he needs you in the business and he thinks it's the only way to keep you. You need to communicate. Ask him what the fuck is going on. Are you back together? Does he want to be with you? Is he in it for the long haul? Will he be there when the baby arrives? Regardless of whether you stay together or not, you need to leave that job. Sit him down when he's back and tell him you're looking for another job because working together just isn't working anymore, you want to keep your private and work like separate. Don't let him convince you to stay and his reaction will tell you everything. If he leaves again when you find a new job then you know your answer, and your child deserves parents who love them and care for them, if that's just you solo parenting then so be it.

I'm sorry, it shouldn't be like this (obviously!!) As PP said, you need to leave him & the job, your own title says it all!!

look for another job, more hours at your other job & apply for all the benefits you can.

his business won't be screwed without you, he'll find a mug to bail him out, but even if is is, he only has himself to blame!!

YOU need to be strong enough not to have him at yours & not sleep with him.

Do you have a friend who could come and stay for a couple of weeks to make that easier?

I was your age when I split up with my (first) DP, I remember feeling like it was the end (and stupidly) like I was 'too old' to start again! In reality I was SO young & you are too. We both had to move out of our house as the owners (my parents neighbours I had known for YEARS) only wanted a couple!! Idiots.

so you have the advantage of not having to move at leat!!

AND you're going to have a baby soon. You & your baby can be a tight little unit.

he has NO 'right'' to be at YOUR appointmements or the birth, and I wouldn't let him be! You don't need to be doing any hysterical bonding!! Keep him away & find your feet.

he doesn't have rights, but he does have responsibilities!! Get whatever information you can to prove how much he takes out of the business. But don't count in CMS.

do not put him on the birth certificate & give YOUR baby, YOUR surname!! You choose the first name/names.

be string & you'll be fine!!! Your heart WILL mend xx

@3rdtimeisacharm i replied bleary eyed while feeding baby so perhaps was a little blunt granted. What I mean by change the locks is that she has no real ties to him, she said he has “near enough moved into hers” so took that to mean he has his own place and she can easily stop him coming back. It’s not like they both own the house unless I’ve misunderstood.

Thank you for your replies. I know the answers to my own question, just in denial and don’t want to accept it probably. At 32 and with already one failed marriage I never thought I would be in this situation.

My worry is that I can’t leave work. Who on earth would want to employ a 26 week pregnant lady for one and I would then not be entitled to any SMP which I simply CANNOT do. @Regularsizedrudy it is my house and is solely owned and all bills paid by me. Granted he does transfer me £300 a month personally rather than my wages which are obviously through the business.

As I said, I know what I should be doing @greenerfingers, @3rdtimeisacharm and @TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination but I’m just struggling to find the strength at the moment. I have fully accepted that I will probably (99% certainty) be bringing my child up on my own and have definitely come to terms with that now. But after my miscarriage last year and the drama at the start of this pregnancy, I just feel like I should keep going for an easy life. To be drama free. To be less stressed about money, work and how much abuse I get from ‘leaving him in the s*’ as he puts it at work.

@Whittygirl123 I’m really sorry to read you’re in this situation and feeling lonely. Pregnancy is hard enough without added heartache from a relationship.
If I were in a similar situation to you I think I’d be thinking along the same lines ie stick it out for the next 8-10weeks as job searching can be so stressful and it keeps maternity pay straight forward etc, then you’ll be free of work while on mat leave. But I strongly feel in the meantime you need to work out what you want. From what you’ve said he doesn’t sound committed to you or the baby in a personal capacity and given he’s not open to talking about the future I think you need to make those decisions yourself on how you move forward and plan your life without him. More than anything I’d set some boundaries to protect yourself from getting hurt further. Do you have friends or family near by who can provide additional support particularly when the baby arrives?

Do you also receive wages on top of the £300 ? Do you pay tax and a full stamp.I do hope so as it could effect any benefits you may need.Try and stick the last weeks but in your head plan the future without him.he needs to move out so you can claim Uc in your own name.Sorry you have to face this alone but he doesn’t have your interests or this babies does he?

If work has no enhanced mat pay and you’re just not quitting so you get SMP you could go on mat leave at 29 weeks. You’d run out of SMP sooner after the baby arrives, but it would get you out of that workplace and you can then quit before the end of your mat leave. Record any conversations with him about this - it sounds like he may end up harassing you and evidence of what has been said could be useful.

It’s clear you can’t quit your work now but you don’t have to let yourself be used. He needs to move out of your house.

He is not going to stir down and have a discussion like you’d want him to but he has communicated very well, in his way. He’s just using you for work and sex. When his business is going to be in a good state he’ll leave you and you’ll feel much much worse. At least now you can get your dignity back. You need to tell him you’re going to keep working for him but there is no more relationship. And he needs to pay child support. And if he starts treating you badly at work, I’d record him and sue for discrimination. Start making a writing record, emails where you complain about his behaviour etc

By doing this and having him out of your life, you can pt your energy into the baby. don’t let him take your joy away, start toward a life without him.

Go to work until you go into maternity leave, and once you decide to return to work, look for another job.

You are being used. Look for another job, don't tell him. Hand notice in as soon as it's financially viable. He's only being nice to keep you there. Make sure you app,y for maintenance from him. If possible before you leave get evidence (legally) of his salary so he can't wriggle out of CM

I’m sorry this is happening Op, it’s sad when a partner turns out to be completely different when a child is on the way. Atleast now you know who he really is.

what I would do op is continue to work up until maternity leave. I’d stick to a working relationship with him but in the meantime I’d tell him it’s over and ask him to move out. If he started making my working life difficult again then I’d remind him of my employment rights and the discrimination act and I’d also keep a diary, and I’d let him know that too if he’s being a dick. As maternity leave comes to an end I’d start looking for a new job.

I know it will be difficult but it will be temporary and by staying there for now you’ll have more time to spend with your baby and be able to pay your mortgage and bills. Don’t do anything drastic that will be detrimental long term for you and your baby. Use him like he’s using you.

maybe with a plan like this in your mind you’ll start to feel more at ease. It won’t always be like this op you will be so happy again. What a dickhead he is! I wish you all the luck in the world x

@Whittygirl123 why can't you claim SMP through your other job? Could you increase your hours there?