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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL is controlling and stirring the pot

19 replies

Boniodog22 · 27/09/2022 17:35

Lots of history around this - MIL has always been controlling and Manipulative.
Husband adores her and has a strong relationship which I appreciate but can at times cause rows.
We moved away which has helped, but she doesn’t respect boundaries and turns up when she likes.
Discussed this with my husband who reinforced her please calling before arriving so we could swing a hoover round or even better please arrange a visit with us.

This went through one ear and out the other.
Last time she arrived I declined her coming in saying I’m sorry I didn’t know she was coming and it’s not convenient - she was highly offended by this and now refuses to visit which has upset my husband and in my view, stirred the pot and purposely created another row between us.

MIL classes me as over anxious and sensitive which is very much far from the truth - more I’m holding back my anger and frustration from her yet again crossing a boundary and her telling me my husband is just like his father!!

Last time I saw her she tried to make a joke of my coat, rubbing her hand across my bottom whilst make a owww noise and laughing - I found this extremely uncomfortable with my husband saying she was just making a joke.
I find she tries to belittle me when she can and often lectures me on things.

We announced our pregnancy about 8 weeks ago at 15 weeks - since then I’ve heard nothing. I’m now 24 weeks. In fact the reaction when we told her was ‘she’s not pregnant is she?’

My husband mentioned this week she’s asked for bump photos which I feel pretty frustrated about seeing that I’m not a zoo animal and she can’t be bothered to even ask how I am?

I am pretty worried about how things will be once baby is born and her potentially using it as an emotional porn with my husband. I’ve asked my husband supports with reenforcing boundaries and reminding him that my family are grandparents too and this is our child - his family is huge and can be dominating.
Problem is my husband bows down to her and she turns on the sad card.

Am I being ridiculous or should I insist on boundaries?
I respect my husbands family but feel they don’t respect me - how can this be enforced politely and in a non threatening manner?

Should I be sending bump photos even though I feel uncomfortable about it and how do I stop her touching my tummy when I see her next as she has also mentioned doing this too.

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 27/09/2022 17:40

Asking a pregnant woman for bump photos is just wierd!

namechangedx50 · 27/09/2022 17:43

As is always the advice on posts like these: you have a DH problem. He should be standing up for you and enforcing your boundaries with his mum instead of making excuses for her behaviour which makes you uncomfortable.

You are not being ridiculous and boundaries absolutely have to be set before baby is born.

Original poster

Boniodog22 · 27/09/2022 17:48

Thanks both - I also think bump photo requests are weird and will be asking my DH to push back more.
she certainly doesn’t like our marriage I know that for a fact so I feel boundaries are an essential

OP posts:

Topseyt123 · 27/09/2022 17:49

Tell her bluntly that you won't be sending bump photos because that is just creepy. Tell her also that if she touches your bump then you will be making her leave in no uncertain terms.

Your husband is doing a pretty shit job of enforcing any boundaries at all so if he is not going to do it then you will have to (it's a DH problem, as we say here). If he strops and sulks about it then that is just too bad. Let him. He needs to cut himself free from mummy's apron strings somehow, and if he can't manage that then you have plenty of problems to contend with.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/09/2022 17:53

if she turns up unannounced again, do what you did last time. You having a baby doesn't give her rights to waltz in whenever she wants.

You moved away, but not far enough, you need an ocean!

If you do see her, and she touches you, Slap her hand away and ask what she thinks she's doing patting/rubbing/touching YOUR stomach uninvited (or bum!? WTAF... GET OFF)

talk to DH now & explain he needs to have YOUR back if he wants to remain married. You're not a breeding mare & will NOT be treat like one!

you're not having his child, for his mother, you're having a baby together and he needs not to spoil that.

Mischance · 27/09/2022 17:54

Is MIL on her own? - it sounds from her comment about FIL as though she is divorced.

As Brits we are very bad at confrontation. And this is why these things go on and on.

I agree that you need to talk to your OH and try and come to an agreement about boundaries - you might have to give a little, but so must he. It would be very sad if this problem were to spoil your enjoyment in your new baby.

I am a MIL and I have never, not once, visited my DDs without telling them I was planning this and getting their OK on it. They know there is no way I would barge in on the hoof. How you get across to her that this is not OK is hard, but it definitely needs a united front. You and your OH will need a united front when it comes to child-rearing and discipline etc, so maybe it would be good to discuss all these things before the birth, as well as how to deal with his mother.

I would also like to put across that it is sometimes hard when your children leave home, partner up and have children. I am widowed and live on my own, and it is hard to relinquish your central role in family life; so I think that the response that you and your DH agree on needs to also be aware of this. The last thing I want to do is interfere in my DDs' lives and I make sure that they know that I am making a full life for myself, but adjusting to being on the periphery is not easy and requires real effort.

Mischance · 27/09/2022 17:55

Oh yes - and no bump photos or invasions of your physical space .....

cravattwat · 27/09/2022 18:06

If your husband doesn't step up now and support you and your boundaries then this will get so much worse once you've had the baby.

He needs to know that failing to manage his mother is risking your marriage.

crumpetswithjam · 27/09/2022 18:09

This is going to escalate x 1000 when the baby gets here so DH needs to be onside with you asap.

keeprunning55 · 27/09/2022 18:33

This sounds so similar to my mil. My dh & I have been together over 20 years now and it is the same now as it was at the start of our relationship. She is widowed & has such control over my dh & he doesn’t see it at all. She has said horrible things to me over the years -most out of earshot of my dh & I finally told her how I felt after she told me to “pull myself together” when I thought my child had drowned & I was upset.
I have no advice sadly. Try not to let her come between you and your dh, especially when the baby is here. I don’t think my dh will ever see what she is like. Don’t ever give her bump photos! Good luck!

TokyoTen · 27/09/2022 18:41

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice to help you - but the bump photo request is just weird! I would definitely be putting her in her place if she was touching me in no uncertain terms.

Pheepa · 27/09/2022 18:52

My MIL has some similarities to yours but doesn’t sound as bad! I found our relationship actually got better once I had her first grandchild, she seemed to see me as more of an adult and treated me much better. Hopefully it has a positive impact on your relationship too

Redlocks28 · 27/09/2022 19:00

She sounds bizarre-you poor thing!

Last time I saw her she tried to make a joke of my coat, rubbing her hand across my bottom whilst make a owww noise and laughing

I don’t get this bit, though? Why owww?

Your DH is doing a terrible job at establishing boundaries-I would keep talking to him and explaining how you feel.

No emotional ‘porn’ though 😂

MeridasMum · 27/09/2022 19:08

She sounds like a nightmare but your DH is as guilty as she is for allowing it.

WTF is emotional porn. I'm really hoping that's a typo???? I can't think what you mean but it sounds really disturbing , concerning

Pandapop3 · 27/09/2022 21:54

OP please put in boundaries now! I was in your situation 2 years ago and my MIL's behaviour towards the end of the pregnancy/ after labour ruined my early days of motherhood and still impacts my mental health to this day.
I had spent over a decade trying not to upset her to make my partner happy but she was never going to be happy seeing him create a family of his own. She will start treating you like rent-a-womb soon, that's probably why she wants bump pics - my MIL did the same. They want their son and their grandchild, which will make them resent you even more!

Calphurnia88 · 27/09/2022 21:55

I imagine she meant pawn, not porn.

OP as others have said, you need DH to gatekeep as if MIL is asking for bump photos now (who does this?!) this will only escalate as your pregnancy continues and when the baby arrives. It's important the two of you are on the same page.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 27/09/2022 22:04

My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a much easier life. Once dc is here leave all picture /info sending to dh. If they turn up take yourself +dc off to your bedroom if it isn't a planned visit.. Be firm.

TheMILinatorReturns · 27/09/2022 22:51

Boniodog22 · 27/09/2022 17:35

We announced our pregnancy about 8 weeks ago at 15 weeks - since then I’ve heard nothing. I’m now 24 weeks. In fact the reaction when we told her was ‘she’s not pregnant is she?’

My husband mentioned this week she’s asked for bump photos which I feel pretty frustrated about seeing that I’m not a zoo animal and she can’t be bothered to even ask how I am?

Am I being ridiculous or should I insist on boundaries?
I respect my husbands family but feel they don’t respect me - how can this be enforced politely and in a non threatening manner?

Should I be sending bump photos even though I feel uncomfortable about it and how do I stop her touching my tummy when I see her next as she has also mentioned doing this too.

Since she appears to like your bottom so much why don't you give her a profile close up of it and tell her it's your bump? Then you can feel amused every time she goes on about it being her precious grandchild. It will get worse when 'her' grandchild is born..I don't have any answers only sympathy I'm afraid. You cannot make her like you or respect you..I've reached the point of indifference and you will too. Leave the relationship entirely up to your husband and don't make any effort for them, they will soon get the message. I just hope I won't be that crap a MIL for my boys when they have family. Hope it isn't an age/menopause thing!!!!

Daisychainsx · 28/09/2022 08:04

Aw thats so tricky op! In law relationships are weird, your forced into this quite intimate relationship with someone you barely know. If youre not comfortable you need to say, which you have done, so i dont think youve done anything wrong.

I don't think bump photos or touching a pregnant bump are weird... if you're comfortable with the person doing these things! My MIL is lovely, but I don't know her all that well, we lived in separate countries until recently so I only met her a handful of times before we were married. But now I'm pregnant she stares at my bump as though its going to do tricks and practically lunges to hold it when I walk in the door. I don't particularly like it, but I've no issue with my own mother or friends having a feel!
Shes just excited though, first grandchild, and when my SIL was pregnant with her first my mum was also very excited and I'd have hated my SIL if she made my mum feel any less involved than the other grandparents. So I'm just trying to see it as an outpouring of love rather than an invasion of my space.

My mum had a weird relationship with her MIL, who turned out to be my absolute favourite person in the world. So just think that even though your own relationship might be strained, it could be worth being the bigger person for the sake of the potentially wonderful relationship your dc will have with her!

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