Anyone doing this without their own Mum?

[StarsieZ]

My mum passed away end of July, she had stage 4 lung cancer and it was quick, diagnosed in Feb and died 5 months later. I live in Australia and she lived in the UK where I am originally from, what with Covid I hadn't seen her for 2 plus years, luckily I managed to go back in February when she was first diagnosed and spend a week with her.

I just feel so weird about being pregnant without her being there. I've got 2 other children, both in double digits and had my first at 18 so she was there for both of those. It just feels so different this time and I know I'm hormonal but I didn't feel as sad when she died as I do now I'm pregnant about it, why is that? Can anyone else relate?

My parents both died during my 4th pregnancy. It was awful, and it breaks my heart that they never met my daughter. I'm sorry you are going through this too.

Similar here - I had my first DD when I was 19 and my mother was so involved, adored DD, played a huge role in her life. DD1 is now 21 and I had DD2 earlier this year. She's now 7 months. And my mother now has advanced dementia. She's been in a care home for almost six years, she doesn't know who we are, has lost almost all her language and is simply waiting to die. So the contrast between having my children and her role is so stark. She has no idea I have another baby. And DD2 will never have a relationship with her. It's just a horrible situation 😢

When I got pregnant, it was like my mum died all over again. My mum never met any of my kids, and that can eat me up sometimes. Having a baby without your mum is lonely, no matter what other support you have around you. Lots of love to you.

Thank you so much for the replies, I am also finding it really hard with my OH mum. Like, I don't know if it's me being jealous she will have time with the baby etc or if it's because of the way she is.

She is Samoan and as much as I love her and she loves me and we get on she's very different to my British Mum and I'm finding it hard the way she is going to be. It's our first baby together (my other 2 are with my ex) and so it's exciting for her and I get that but it's still so raw for me xx

I also don't have any other family in Aus so literally it's my kids, my OH and his mum and sister x

@DappledOliveGroves I'm so sorry you are going through that, that would be so hard, I'm a nurse and I see your type of story and my heart aches for you, when we found out my mum was terminal it was like losing her twice, and grieving before she had even gone, that probably doesn't make sense but it was xx

@Hotpinkangel19 can't imagine, I'm so sorry for your loss, I still have my Daddy, although in the UK, he's amazing and I would be so lost without him as well xx

@KarmaComma that's how I feel and I already feel like I've lost her twice as she was terminally ill and then gone so quickly, I know it's very soon after the loss but I was doing okay up until I was pregnant x

My Mum passed away before I had children and it was hard not being able to share the experience with her. It doesn't help knowing she'd have been an amazing Grandma. I'm sorry you're experiencing this too, OP, it's lonely and you're still in the early stages of grief, because it doesn't always hit right away.

Just know that your Mum would be so happy for you having another baby and it'll get easier as time passes.

So sorry for what you have all been through. Sending hugs 🫂

I have lost my mum last year and it’s been by far the worst thing that has happened to me. I’m expecting my first now, and amongst many other things it’s eating me up that I haven’t had a baby sooner. My mum would have loved to be a grandma and would have been amazing at it 😔
I shed tears about this pretty much daily, but was absolutely crying my eyes out on the way back from midwife appointment yesterday; all the appointments seem to trigger it more as just seems so unfair. I’ve lost my dad many years ago, too, so just feel very alone. Grateful for my amazing husband, but he just cannot possibly get it (and I am glad he cannot, happy for him that he has a healthy family).

It is just another level of hard, isn’t it 💐

I lost my Mam 12 days ago on the morning of my 12 week scan. Gut wrenching to know that my baby won't have a relationship with her, she would have been such a great Nana 😢 xxx

@Cameleongirl thank you for replying, I'm so sorry for your loss, I think it hadn't hit me and then I got pregnant and it got worse, she really loved my boys and it makes me so sad she will never know this baby, hopefully as time goes on it will get a little easier for both of us ❤️ xx

@LeopardCat so sorry for your loss and thank you for replying, I'm hoping it gets a little easier for both of us as time goes on, life without both parents must be even worse, I totally understand about your husband and his family. I feel the same, doesn't matter how wonderful they all are xx

@FirstTimeTryer93 wow that's beyond awful for you, I can't even imagine the emotions you were/are going through, I'm so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you ❤️ xx

Similar but slightly different here. My DM died twenty years ago when I was 13. She never saw me grow up, meet my DH, get married or have my DD. We had two miscarriages this year and I found all I wanted was my mum. Now I'm pregnant again and I'm due the day after her birthday and really finding it hard how.much I'm missing her which is ridiculous as I'm missing an idea rather than a person. She would've been an amazing gran but I never had an adult relationship with her so it's not like I can miss the conversations we could have or the support as I never got to have them. I do have the most amazing step mum who I'm thankful for every day but sometimes I just want my mum.

My lovely FIL has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and is unlikely to meet this wee one and I totally get the double grief - DH and I are grieving for someone who hasn't died yet and we'll grieve all over again when he does go and then again when this wee one arrives and he doesn't get to be the doting papa that he is with my DD.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP but know you're not alone and it's horrible. It's ok to feel that way

My first was born on the anniversary of my mums death, which was both heartbreaking and comforting. I have struggled without my mum and it’s rubbish not having her to ask little questions about parenting or is this normal/right. We speak about her all the time and look at photos, so he knows who his “mam mar” is :) it doesn’t get easier, you just learn to cope x

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time OP. The important milestones in life always seem harder to bear somehow when you're not able to fully share them with your parents.

Similar to other PP, I understand in some respects. My DM has advanced dementia and is in a care home, my 2 year old visits with me sometimes but she'll
never have that relationship with her gran and if I have another it's likely they'll never meet her. Sometimes all I want is my mum to give advice and tell me how I used to be when I was that age. Having children always seems to bring a reexamination of your own childhood and parental relationships and the anger and sadness at having that opportunity taken away is understandable.

Thank you for starting this thread. So much has resonated with me. I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's losses but it is beautiful to see the level of support for one another one here.

I'm struggling so much at the moment and that's a lot to do with missing my mum. She died when I was 18 (I'm now 31 and 24 weeks pregnant). Someone here said that their pregnancy has been like losing their mum all over again, and that is exactly what I have been feeling. It's been a hard pregnancy, due to being deemed at risk of late miscarriage or preterm birth, and working a very stressful job (in NHS, mental health ironically), where they have been so unsupportive and almost bullying since I told them I was pregnant. I've been sobbing like a little girl daily and telling my partner that I just want my mum. He tries but doesn't get it. I never had a relationship with her as an adult and her death was so sudden. I never got the opportunities to ask her questions about becoming a mother or a woman generally! So I get triggered every time my midwife asks about my mother's experience in pregnancy and birth - as I have no idea. My maternal grandmother died young too so I never met her. I don't have any other family close by either. I've been referred to the perinatal mental health team because I've been so overwhelmed at the moment. I think I need to process the grief in a different stage in my life, if that makes sense.

I feel like I have been turning to other sources for emotional support specifically from women who get it! That helps a bit but I too would appreciate any advice or support.

Sending lots of love and hugs to you all.

So sorry to hear this. Me too - my mum died last month and I’m 7 months pregnant with my first. I keep wanting to text her updates and ask for advice and then realise she’s not there. Xx

My mum had dementia when I had my first, I don’t think she really knew who I was by then ( she was super polite so I think she was pretending to know me as she could tell I knew her), and she certainly had no idea who my baby was. I remember her coming to me and saying, ‘there’s a man with a baby in there! I don’t know who the Mother is. I think she died.’

Yeah it sucks.

Hey op very similar to me mum passed in 2015 with lung cancer and was very quick she was very young too. I'm 10 wks pregnant with my 3rd my mum was there with both my older 2 and was an amazing support and made us really close I hate the thought of doing this without her by my side and it always makes me think of all thing she is missing can't really give any advice on it other than take each day as it comes and for me I just keep thinking she will be watching over me and hopefully holding my hand in spirit xx

So sorry you are going through pregnancy without your lovely mum op. I went through similar, I had my eldest daughter when I was fairly young and my mum was my absolute rock through pregnancy, birth and my early motherhood days.

She then got diagnosed and passed away from stage 4 terminal cancer 5 days before I gave birth to my second child, so she never got to meet him……I remember the feelings of complete grief of my mum but absolute love for my new baby all mixed into one, but wishing she was there, his first outing was to her funeral. I’ve since had a 3rd and now pregnant with a 4th.

I was glad she was there for my first child to help guide me as by number 2 and 3 I was much more able to cope with the newborn days and knew what to do…. it doesn’t get easier and I have quiet moments where I sit and think about how much she would have loved to meet each grandchild and how amazing she was with my first child and sometimes I just cry my eyes out she isn’t there but then I think how proud she would be of me. Your mum will be proud of you op, stay strong but allow yourself to have these little moments of sadness xxx