Alone

[alone22]

14 weeks pregnant and I feel alone and hopeless.

Babies father has washed his hands of the situation, fair enough as it was my decision to continue with the pregnancy.

I have a professional career that I love but I've been signed off work with hyperemesis since 6 weeks.

I have no family here as they live abroad. I do have lovely friends but most of them are married/in relationships/ and have multiple children themselves. A lot of days I hear from absolutely no one.

I usually have some hobbies to keep me busy but they aren't things I can do while I'm pregnant. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I have two other children who depend on me and I feel like I'm not being the best mum at the moment, every day is a struggle. I am lucky they are such good kids and so well behaved.

I feel like my life is a mess and that people will look down on me for being pregnant and single.

My midwife has referred me to perinatal mental health at my booking in appointment but I've yet to hear anything.

I have no idea how I am going to get through the next week let alone to my due date.

Would love advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation.

I’ve been in a similar situation.

Honestly, I wouldn’t go through with the pregnancy. It wouldn’t be right for me or my children.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. No advice as such. Pregnancy can be a very lonely time. Just think about what a fantastic job you have done already with your other children.

Thanks.

It isn't an option for me not to continue with the pregnancy (personal reasons).

When I've seen baby on scans I feel excited, just day to day I feel so low.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. Only thing I can say is just take it day by day, week by week. Just keep remembering that excitement you feel when you see the little bean on the scan. The MH referral will hopefully do you good and don't forget you are a bundle of hormones right now.

Is moving back overseas to be nearer to your family an option? Or bringing any of them here for a period? If not, I would reach out to your friends that you have here and candidly let you know how you are feeling. So many people are so busy in their lives that they have no clue about this sort of stuff that might be going on with their friends. But I'm willing to bet that if you open up they will make time. Any good friend would do that.

One thing from your post stuck out to me "fair enough as it was my decision to continue with the pregnancy " - you need to rid yourself of this mindset. You BOTH had a role in creating the pregnancy and it is irrelevant that it is your decision to continue. I know this may not make any difference to the loneliness you're currently facing but I hope you are not letting him wash his hands of his responsibilities once the baby comes. It sounds like you could do with all the support you need. Wishing you all the best x

LittleBiscuits How do you suggests she forces him to be a father 🤔 all she can do is claim Cm, but that isn’t a hell of a lot and barely scratches the surface of raising a child

I was referred to the perinatal mental health team when pregnant with Dd2.
They were fantastic also my GP and Midwife were also great.
Talk about how you feel.

I know I can't force him to be a father.

And I know it's not just on me, but from his point of view he told me he didn't want me to continue the pregnancy. That's why I'm taking it upon myself that I'm feeling this way.

I understand about not putting him on the birth certificate and going to CMS and all that.

My midwife referred me to perinatal mental health at my 8 week booking appointment and I've heard nothing 6 weeks later... would it be worth chasing it up?

I get excited when I look at my scan pictures, or thinking of positives like I can pick the babies name all by myself. But every day seems to long, it's a battle to get through. I just want to stay in bed all day (and I do when my other children aren't here). I'm wishing all my days away. I hate living like this but I don't know how to feel better?

I do try and talk to my friends but I almost feel like everyone must be fed up of me. I feel guilty for feeling sad.

My point was challenging the "this is all on me attitude" OP seems to have adopted and how self destructive that might be. Of course OP can't force the father to do anymore than he is legally required to do but that doesn't mean mean that she needs to be self defeatist about seeking this bare minimum (negligible as it may be). But more to the point, this mindset is just . It is self-defeating.

It was this phrase that just struck me: "Babies father has washed his hands of the situation, fair enough as it was my decision to continue with the pregnancy." - is that fair?

OP - def follow up on that MH appointment. X

Sorry ... predictive text fail.

But more to the point, this mindset is just . It is self-defeating. Should have read "this mindset is just self defeating". Ie Blaming herself is not fair and nor is it helpful to her MH.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP xxx

Also, OP I just wanted to clarify - I've not been in the situation you are and so I'm not presuming to offer you advice on the realities of your situation. Hopefully some other helpful mumsnetters will be along to offer some more useful insights into their experiences.

Just didn't want to read and run so wanted to offer a hand hold and some obvious ideas in the meantime xx

Thanks @LittleBiscuits I do appreciate you responding.

I suppose I sound defeated because that really is how I feel. I don't feel like much can help me.

I know I want this baby, I know when baby is here I will love him or her very much.

I'm not sure if it's the whole change of routine- being ill, loss of hobbies, loss of work, loss of my relationship.

I used to have such a full life- I loved my job, I was very social with friends and my hobby, used to do lots of nice things with my ex as well. He was a nice boyfriend and said often I was the love of his life which makes it harder to understand.

I'm now sat here alone on a Friday night alone and feeling ill, and thinking this is me and my life now until early next year?

Firstly, I hope you are feeling much better then you were back in September and hopefully have seen perinatal now x

As someone else has mentioned, it takes two to make a baby and it isn’t your responsibility to feel even shittier for them not taking accountability. Feeling so down but being gratefully pregnant is a difficult situation to be in, as you say you know you will love this baby when it arrives, it’s just in the now it’s difficult to navigate. Your ex might just be in his own state of processing and things might change in a few months but don’t have any expectations there incase they don’t.

I can relate to most of what your saying - after having a miscarriage last year with my ex I was really happy falling pregnant again as thought it was what we both wanted but he’s become extremely disconnected, hasn’t come to any appointments or scans etc now rarely speaks to me. I’ve spent the last few months questioning what’s gone wrong, to the stage where I’ve been feeling depressed. I think I’ve felt so shit too because of the relationship we had before similar to what you’ve mentioned & I think a lot of how you feel is probably grief because your grieving the loss of that family unit and your relationship/comfort blanket. I’m just about 16wks and had a referral to perinatal at 10wks but still waiting so think it does take a while to be seen. These forums are great for reaching out to others & reassuring you you’re not alone at the click of a finger xx

@23preggo thanks for replying.

Things aren't much better tbh. I "saw" perinatal at 20 weeks. The appointment was over the phone because of covid. The woman made me really anxious and I had a panic attack. I've no idea when I get another appointment.

Tried to go back on anti-depressants but the side effects were horrific.

Babies Dad still useless. He was seeing a new woman and she wanted him to have nothing to do with me or baby so he blocked me, to then come grovelling when that ended. It sounds like a soap but we are both professionals in our 30s.

I'm still very, very lonely. Every day is a struggle.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation and I hope you hear from perinatal soon and they are better with you than they were with me.

Pregnancy is really hard, especially with hyperemisis, but you are clearly a brilliant mum and your baby will fill your life with joy and love. There's no love like the love between a baby and their mum.

Oh @alone22 you are not alone there is always someone to talk to on here. Do you have any friends if your family are not local you can call on for support or even any colleagues? Not being at work will get you down too as it means less interaction.. I came off sertraline when pregnant and it hit me harder than expected! I've had lots of swings of mood since but I keep plodding and I'm 34 weeks now. I'm afraid babies father does not sound like a good man, anyone who can block the vulnerable mother of his child is frankly immature and selfish with zero empathy. He clearly doesn't want to be a father despite being half responsible for making a baby. Angry at him for you but best thing to do would be forget him and have zero expectations there, concentrate on building a support network. He'll come back on his own if he grows a pair but right now he complicates things and no doubt makes you feel lower. Is there a local bumps and babies or home start group you can contact? Are your other kids in school/childcare? Get yourself out and meeting people will help to combat the loneliness. Set a schedule and go for walks if sickness will allow, as exercise will boost your mood and getting outside in fresh air helps. Have you got any treatment for the hyperemis as that is debilitating?

@alone22 I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Is there any chance you could call your parents from abroad to help? I know lots of women have called their mums. Also with your ex can you ask him for help? Just say I know you don't want this baby but could you just help me a little bit until it gets here?

I promise you these horrible days will pass. You really are brave to do this with hyperemesis. I've had it too and got it in my current one. How old are you children if you don't mind me asking?

Thank you.

My parents are going to come around the time I have the baby to help.

I've gone back to work on reduced hours the past couple of weeks which has helped a bit, but I'll be working from home soon due to high risk pregnancy and company policy.

I do have lots of friends but they have families and children themselves so are very busy, I know they try and do what they can to help me.

Babies Dad has said he will around to help with the pregnancy/baby when he came back begging but I haven't seen anything materialise at all, and I will find it hard to forget how he behaved when I was most in need.

My eldest is high school aged but I don't want to put any pressure on him. The kids are great and well-behaved luckily, just feel like I've let them down. I hope things will get better.

Are you 20 weeks? So you've possible got around 17 weeks to go right? I always think once we've hit 37 weeks baby is safe to come out 😂

I know it's hard being alone especially since you're so vulnerable being pregnant but once baby is here you can socialise with other mothers at baby groups etc. Get a book and try and write down things or baby groups that you can go to once baby arrives. There are some free ones where I live. I'm sure there will be some where you are.

You know with being pregnant and having hg you're mind fools you. It depresses you making you think all sorts. Fight it. You're not alone you have friends and family. Try doing something with a different friend each week even if it's just a long phone call. You're not the only one who feels this way. Motherhood and pregnancy can be pretty lonely that was a thread I started last week and it's true. Non of my friends are married or have kids so we lost touch. I just stay busy doing anything and everything. Right not with hg I'm unable to do things. But if I had energy I'd sell all the clutter in my house to make room for baby, buy things for baby, decorate and what not. Are these some things you could do? Have like a countdown and a todo list before baby arrives. In between that just check in with friends and see if you can meet up. I know you're struggling but remember these days shall too pass.

I'm not sure how bad things are with your ex or how lazy he is but if he's okay then be mature about it and don't talk about having a relationship. Just keep it civil and formal for your kids. Can you arrange a day out 'for the kids' or a trip to the cinema just so that it freshens your mind? Sometimes you just need a breather from everyday life to restart.

@heartbroken22 I'm 24 weeks now.

This baby is a different father to my other two children, we've been long split up and he has a new partner and stepchildren. He's a good dad to our two.

I'm not on good terms with the father of this baby because of his behaviour I can't rely on him.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, it doesn't make me feel a whole lot better though.

I just wish I had someone in the same situation as me in every day life.

I'm going to need to go back to work when baby is under 1 so I won't have much time for making new mum friends.