Is it so wrong to want a termination?

[Littlelostbird]

First time poster here so please be kind 🙏 It also seems like my post is really long, so apologies for that!

I'm in my mid-30s and am currently pregnant, about 13.5 weeks. My husband and I have two children already, are pretty stable and things are starting to improve for us financially after a rocky few years.

I found out that I was pregnant quite late, almost 10 weeks as I'd been having what I thought were normal periods. I had the same with my second child although found out at 14 weeks with him! I'm also type 1 diabetic and don't have the best control although am getting better at this.

Anyway, to save me waffling on, I had some pretty big bleeds around 11 weeks and was told at the time that it's unusual for the pregnancy to survive with the amount of blood/clits that I'd lost (I bled all over the floor, the sonographer and my clothes were saturated). The scan picked up a good heartbeat and it was just a case of waiting to see what happened. They couldn't find a cause for the bleeding either.I'm still having intermittent bleeding now but not to the same extent.

Fast forward to my official 12 week scan and the combined screening test. Again, there was a strong heartbeat and everything looked good to me, although I'm no expert. I had a call yesterday to say my risk of DS was high, 1 in 35 so we had a discussion on our next steps and have opted for a CVS as we felt we needed a definitive answer. This is booked for tomorrow at a hospital over 2 hours drive from us due to the position of my placenta and our more local team not being able to do it.

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to get to is that I keep thinking of having a termination, irrespective of the results from the CVS. Even if it comes back all clear, then I just feel that there are potentially so many more obstacles that we might have to face with this pregnancy and I'm really not sure I can cope.

Our little boy was really premature, born at 29 weeks and spent a large amount of time in hospital, then I suffered badly from PND. I still struggle now with my mental health. Even if there was nothing detected in this pregnancy and I carried to term, I know I wouldn't cope if anything happened after the birth.

I just feel that with everything we've had and could possibly still face with this pregnancy that I'm not sure I'm in the best place to cope with it all.

Has anyone felt the same? If so, how did you tell your obs team? I know my husband will support whatever decision I make.

Hi,

I am 14 weeks and got a high risk DS result too. Currently waiting for my NIPT results to come back.
At the end of the day I believe we all have to do what we think is right for our mental health and families so no judgement at all.

However do you think that perhaps your high risk result plus traumatic bleeding experience is just putting the fear in you? (Understandably). I've become so disconnected with my pregnancy whilst waiting for the next set of results which speaking to others going through the same on the antenatal test boards is normal.
It might be worth not making any big decisions until your results come back if you were not feeling like a termination was an option prior to your results coming in.

OP, your obs team is there to look after you, as a patient. They are not going to pass judgment on your decisions! Stop worrying about what they will think, or how to tell them, and focus on choosing what is right for you.
If the pregnancy was unplanned, you had previous PND, you are diabetic and therefore at higher risk of complications, have already been bleeding, and you now have the additional stress of a possible Down’s diagnosis, a termination sounds eminently sensible. You do not need to try and justify it, or seek approval from others - it is purely your own decision.

I think a termination has always been at the back of my mind in all honesty as another baby seems like it will cause so much disruption to a life that we are slowly piecing back together.

I just don't think I'd really had time to think before we got swept up into a world of scans, tests, midwife appointments etc. None of the health care professionals have ever asked if I want this baby despite it not being planned.

Do you think there is a chance you will regret it? Maybe take a week to think about it.

@Babdoc thank you for your sensible and straightforward response. I genuinely appreciate that you can see it the way I do.
I'm already tearful all the time, I know pregnancy hormones don't help, but I genuinely don't see a way that I can keep going through all the possible 'what ifs' for another 6 months. I definitely wouldn't cope with having another baby born so prematurely either.

It is not wrong to want a terminaton at all, but if that's what you want then act on it as soon as you can. The earlier the better.. This is your body, you do not have to consent to be pregnant. You have every right to consider how your abilities to look after your existing children might be affected by the addition of a 3rd child. It's not wrong to go for having the new baby either, if that's what you want. No option is 100% right and you'll have regrets either way no matter what you do, you just have to weigh the balance as carefully as you can, make your decision then don't second-guess yourself.

@Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou - potentially. There is a very small chance that I'll have an uneventful pregnancy and birth after this but it's all unknown. Even without the potential DS diagnosis, a type 1 pregnancy is never straightforward and I'm genuinely worried that I won't cope with any more hurdles that get put in my way.

I know that if I terminate now, I'll never know if it could all be plain sailing for me but at the moment, I can't escape the thoughts that it won't be straightforward.

@FaazoHuyzeoSix thanks for your reply. I guess that I feel a bit torn as if pregnancy and childbirth were as easy for me as some of my friends then I'd be all for the challenges.

I'm not getting any younger though and in these short few weeks, I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster that I'd like to get off.

Hi OP, sorry you are going through a tough time and feeling anxious. Completely understandable, and as this pregnancy wasn't planned, you may also still be in a bit of shock!

It sounds to me that your reasons for wanting to terminate are to do with anxiety about things going wrong. I wonder if (should the DS tests come back clear) there would be a way to help manage your anxiety, and then cope better with the unknowns of pregnancy? Such as talk therapy, support networks, medication?

If ultimately you do not want another child, then a termination could be the best option. But if you are considering termination based on fear and anxiety about things that may not come to pass then perhaps you might regret it if you end the pregnancy, for these reasons?

Like someone else said good idea to wait for the current tests to be done before making big decisions, and just consider all your options x wish you best of luck x

@Skylark1990 you are totally right in that a lot of it does stem from anxiety related issues but even if I get the all clear from my cvs (which I has yesterday) I know deep down that there will be other stuff to deal with during pregnancy and after having the baby.

I've now had 4 scans including the one yesterday, and not once have I felt any connection to the baby that is currently growing inside of me. I've got 3 more appointments for various pregnancy related issues within the next 10 days, I'm not functioning properly as a wife or a mother to my other two children, and I'm struggling to even leave the house at the moment. My GP has me signed off work at the moment because of the problems that we've had so far and I just can't imagine another 26 weeks (if we even get that far) of me being like this, and that's before we add another baby into the mix. I know it usually all gets better once in the second trimester but it doesn't feel like it will.

I am currently 8 +1 and nervously waiting on scans and tests as I am 38, this is my 1st but my partner has two and eldest has DS with medical complications so as much as this opppsss baby is wanted as I also suffered with fertility issue I would not be able to cope with 2 children with medical needs. Here's hoping for the all clear

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. When you consider a termination do you imagine a sense of relief after? I can understand your leaning towards it, especially given your medical history, and that you're not feeling connected to the pregnancy.

It's not going to be an easy decision and you're certainly stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think you would benefit for discussing this with an abortion counsellor. Having the counselling means you can process before making a decision.

When you first found out, was termination discussed at that point? I know it's only been a few weeks since you found out but it sounds like there has been a lot of trauma already and lots of appointments that you've been swept up in.

Given everything you've said I think this all just sounds too much for you, which is understandable. I would have a termination in your position.

How does your husband feel? Hopefully he will be on board with it and support you.

I think BabDocs reply was right on the money and I would listen to what they said from a medical perspective if nothing else, as I believe they are a doctor IRL.

It sounds like it's not right. Maybe make the appointments so you don't risk missing the deadline but take the waiting time to think a bit more so you're sure of what you're feeling. It's totally your choice. Of course it's not awful or bad of you - this is your body and your life!

@Littlelostbird I can’t imagine everything you’re going through and I wish you all the best with taking this incredibly difficult decision. I just wanted to share some words of advice I once heard - whatever decision you decide to take, perhaps write a letter to your future selves about how you’re feeling now and the reasons why you took the decision. That way if you ever start to doubt yourself in future once the imminent feelings start to subside, you have something to show that you took the right decision for you and your family with the information and feelings available to you in the time. All the best x

Op what a sad situation and I’m sorry you find yourself here. Nobody especially the medical team will judge you for your choice. Being a type 1 pregnancy also comes with its own set of risks too. I wonder if by posting here, even with all your valid reasons to terminate there is a part of you that is still unsure. If this is the case then speak to the medical professionals about it, they can give you the very best and non judgmental advice which you can take time to consider and discuss with your DH. If you are sure this is the route to take then you don’t need any validation, speak to DH, speak to the hospital and get everything in place. You will need help and support no matter what decision you make as neither will be easy. I wish you all the best and hope that whatever you decide it all works out for you 💐

@Anon1231 this is a lovely and helpful idea as when we look back and have overcome hurdles nothing ever seems as bad as in the moment. I think this would be such a helpful thing for so many people. In moments of what if or regret just having those initial feelings there.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. it sounds so tough on you. I completely get the overwhelm. I remember being so paranoid of an accidental pregnancy after my first that we used 2 types of contraception. I just knew that I couldn't cope with another baby, but equally couldn't face the decision around abortion and the self-torturing I'd do. Maybe it's the idea that mothers 'dont have' abortions, that still permeates? (Though completely untrue).

If nothing else, motherhood is an extended exercise in knowing your limits and your capacity. That's hard to learn because I think I expected motherhood to be naturally martyrdom. For me that really isn't the case, and couldn't be. It's actually a constant negotiation between what is best for you and your family, and how you will being able to do it.

It's sounds like you're very conflicted and have a lot of reasons why a termination would be the best option for you. That's absolutely ok. If what is holding you back is a feeling that you 'shouldnt' have a termination, then examine where this feeling comes from. The best option isn't always to plough on through, and 'make the best of it'. It's no one elses decision but yours. Could you access some counselling? Wishing you the best of luck x

I'm absolutely blown away by the compassion that you have all shown me in your replies and it's definitely helped me to think a little clearer over these last couple of days.

I'm currently playing the waiting game with my results from the CVS last week. I found it a lot more stressful than expected although not as painful. I felt genuinely wiped out by it for a good 48 hours, emotionally and physically but some of this may have come from the need to travel all the way to London for our appointment. The team at the hospital were outstanding though and my local screening midwife has also been an amazing support.

I spent a lot of time with her on Friday when I had my antiD shot (another thing to add to the list) and expressed my concerns about how I was feeling to her however I think she thought that it all stems from the tests and possible outcomes relating to DS. She did also arrange a more urgent appointment for me with the midwife counselling team at my local hospital but this is still not until next week.

Conceiving as a type 1 diabetic comes with a whole set of its own risks and my last hba1c prior to conception was around 12 which is far too high. Medical teams would usually advise diabetics to not even attempt conception over 10 so this is playing on my mind as well. Even if we get the all clear from the CVS, I've then still got to wait until 7th November for anomaly scan to see if there are any other complications such as heart defects (common in diabetic pregnancies), and again even if this is all fine, it'll still play on my mind what happened with my little boy and what we went through with him.

DH is extremely supportive of any choices that I make although is obviously concerned about the effect it is/will have on my body. The CVS testing was the first scan he'd been able to attend with me though and I think that he's actually quite excited about the idea of adding to our family.

This week whilst waiting on my results I have an appointment with physio, an appointment with the diabetic dietician and then next week I have my standard MW appointment, Mt counselling session, a preterm birth clinic and an appointment with the diabetic/obs team at the hospital.

I guess I don't really know what answers I'm expecting here or whether my post was because I'm still unsure. I know whatever decision is made, it'll be tough on us both but I think deep down, I know that I have to prioritise me this time and the family that I already have.

I’m 13+6 and received a worrying combined screening result (1 in 38 chance for Edwards and Patau’s). I’ve been offered a CVS (100% definitive answer but 0.5% chance of miscarriage) or an NIPT (97% accurate for Edwards, 94% accurate for Patau’s).

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you decide?

Just sending you my support OP and to say I completely understand your reasoning.

I’m currently pregnant with my 2nd there is absolutely no way i’d have a third, partly due to my age, costs and lack of support. It’s a huge difference, not just in bedroom and car space.

My best friend also has type 1 diabetes and stopped at 1 child due to the risks but also as she didn’t feel able to focus on controlling her sugars while looking after several children.

Look, everyone here supports your choice. We've all been there and know what it's like. You have almost talked yourself into a termination so go with your gut 💐