Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

What to do with toddler during birth? No family nearby, planning home birth

20 replies

Skylark1990 · 20/09/2022 09:37

Hi all. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and the last few nights I've woken at 3am and not been able to get back to sleep for over an hour because I've been worrying about where my toddler will go when I am in labour! I know it's early days so I shouldn't really worry yet but I can't help it.

For context, we do not live near any family members who would be able to take her. She will be 2 and a half. I am planning a home birth, but I know I may have to transfer to hospital and of course no idea how long the labour will be (DD's labour was over 3 days).

I'd much prefer she was with a trusted person while I'm in active labour at least, but unsure who to ask. I did tentatively ask one of my NCT friends, and she said she will think about it, but it's a lot to ask and of course impossible to know exactly when it'll be.

I guess my question is - is this something it is reasonable to ask a good friend to help with, or neighbours? We are quite close to our neighbours. Also, she's at nursery 4 days a week so if I went into labour on one of those days she could go to nursery and we'd just need someone to pick her up/drop her off.

Also, has anyone had their 2 year old toddler present during a home birth?

Just wondering what others did in a similar situation.... TIA! x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Batbatbatty · 20/09/2022 09:43

Or your partner/husband would have to stay with her? 😕

gretr · 20/09/2022 09:43

Do you have a husband or partner that could look after them?

NameChange30 · 20/09/2022 09:45

If you're close to your neighbour I'd ask them, as they're right next door it will be ideal. They could always look after toddler until someone else arrives, or drop toddler at nursery.

You could also consider hiring a doula to support you while your partner looks after DD, but I realise that most parents want the father to be present at the birth if possible.

My second was a home birth and DH took DC1 to our friends' (they are very close friends and lived nearby at the time). I was a bit worried about it but all worked out fine in the end!

Original poster

Skylark1990 · 20/09/2022 09:48

Thank you guys. To add yes I do have a DH, but hoping he will be able to be present with me during the birth as @NameChange30 says.

Yes I think it would be good if she could go to a local friend or neighbour, but I just feel awkward asking, especially as the period of time it might be spans such a huge amount of time. Although DD was about a week late so assuming this one won't be early either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Skylark1990 · 20/09/2022 09:49

@NameChange30 I hired a doula for DD's birth but would prefer not to this time around... I wish there were babysitting doulas! Haha

OP posts:

SunflowerOrange · 20/09/2022 09:52

It could be overnight though - we had planned a home birth (ended up in hosptial) for simar reasons. But really you may not want the toddler around at all when in active labour.

We decided to have a doula and as it happened I needed to stay in hospital so my husband had to go home with my child.

Really stressful all round tbh.

Other option would be to build a relationship with a babysitter/nanny(so regular babysitting until the big day) with agreement to babysitting when the time comes.

lilroo87 · 20/09/2022 09:55

I'm in this position aswell, all family and closer friends over 300 miles away and not really any friends where I am that I would want to put that pressure on especially as it could be early hours of the morning.
We are planning a home birth but if that doesn't go to plan then the only option will be for my DP to stay with our DD (she'll be 18 months then) and for me to go alone with just the midwives.
Not really what we want but it's our only option as we can't guarantee when I'll go into labour so can't really plan.

My DD was 2 days early and contractions started at 3am, she was born at 10:30am so quite quick.

stormelf · 20/09/2022 09:56

If you have close friends I would ask them. When I was pregnant with my third the plan was for us to drop the other two off to a friend when I went into labour, or for them to go to our neighbour until my friend could get to them. I had an extremely quick labour with my second and only just managed to get someone to take my oldest before I gave birth 15 minutes later in an ambulance. My DD was with me for first forty minutes while I was in labour and it was fine, she didn't really know what was going on and I just had to pretend I wasn't in pain in front of her.

When my friend was pregnant with her third the plan was for her partner to drop the older two off with me day or night. I really didn't mind helping out at all

PuttingDownRoots · 20/09/2022 09:57

We planned a home birth for similar reasons... on the day a neighbour offered to have for a few hours. Otherwise my birthing partner (my mother as DH was away with the Army) would have concentrated on her while I was with the midwives.

If there's really no family or friends you could ask, I would concentrate on finding a good babysitter who would do a last minute overnight stay if necessary (maybe two in case one isn't available for whatever reason).

Recycledcurtains · 20/09/2022 10:00

I recently had a home birth. My older children (including a 20 month old) were all asleep for the entirety of labour and birth. They woke up to a new baby!

I know I was very lucky with timings!

With one of my other children, a neighbour looked after the other child, but we now have a few children so it’s hard getting favours!

My labours have been short and straightforward though so I have a general idea what will happen.

Best of luck! It will work out!

Whisperedew · 20/09/2022 10:04

I'm planning on having a HBAC and my 4yo will have to be present sadly. Best case scenario he is asleep. Worst case he will just have to be there

FuncaMunca · 20/09/2022 10:06

Babysitter would be my first thought

stickynoter · 20/09/2022 10:13

I wouldn't ask a friend/neighbour to have DD overnight when I was in labour unless it was a close enough relationship that this was already the 'norm'.

The fact she's in nursery 4 days only accounts for just over 50% of the days. Even if she is in nursery some of the time there's still getting her up and ready in the morning, breakfast, drop off, pick up, dinner, back to bed etc etc. Add to this your Dd could be out of sorts and missing you if she's not used to being away.

There's no way I would do this for a casual friend/neighbour on top of my own dc & full time work commitments. Especially when the date will be so unsure in advance. I'd be more likely do it for a very close friend or family member but would need annual leave etc

Will your close family & friends be travelling to see the newborn? Maybe they could come early?

piegone · 20/09/2022 10:16

We had nobody so DH primary 'job' was the DC. He was only able to come to hospital during the day so when the DC were in breakfast/school/after school and the younger in full time nursery. It was simply good timing that he was present for any after the first.

DistrictCommissioner · 20/09/2022 10:18

I had homebirths with my 2nd and 3rd, luckily my mum could look after them although my 2nd labour was entirely overnight so no childcare needed anyway.

I have been on call for friends labours, I think people are touched to be asked actually, it’s a nice thing to feel involved in a birth!

Mamiamamia · 20/09/2022 10:26

I have had two home births, first time round my toddler was 20mths, I laboured over night and gave birth just after he woke in the morning, it was a non issue him being there. 2nd time with 2 young children at home, again I laboured over night and gave birth in the early hours - we woke them to meet their new sibling, then the whole family went back to bed. Again, not an issue having them home with us.

FlounderingFruitcake · 20/09/2022 10:27

Family member travels when things kick off, DH focuses on the toddler if they’re not at nursery or asleep until they arrive to relieve him but ultimately you might have to make peace with knowing he might miss it if it’s quick. Asking a friend to take a toddler probably overnight, possibly for several days, when your toddler doesn’t know them that well and has never stayed away from home before is a very big ask.

RidingMyBike · 20/09/2022 10:38

Friend hired a doula to be with her whilst her husband stayed with the older child. The other kid had never been away from Mum so they wanted to avoid distress by sending her somewhere else.

As your older one is in nursery could you speak to nursery about potentially booking more days around your due date? If a friend only has to take her there and collect that's a lot less to ask, and maybe an overnight? But overnight you'd really want a practice-run for the kid.

RidingMyBike · 20/09/2022 10:44

I've also been 'on call' for a friend with an older child - non-driving partner and she was having a CS so I'd have driven them into hospital, then had the older child. She divided the week up between friends. I was available for Thurs-Sat and avoided booking any other commitments for several weeks around that period in case she went into labour early.

Original poster

Skylark1990 · 20/09/2022 10:56

Thank you all, this is all really useful to think about. Definitely going to do a 'practice run' for overnight if we go with this option, and good idea to split the 'on call' time up between a few peoeple if possible @RidingMyBike . Also good idea to book her in for 5 days a week if possible from like 40-42 weeks or so.

I do have some close friends who live locally who also have their own toddlers, we see them regularly and my DD loves both the mums and their kids, but it's just that awkward feeling of asking something quite big. I guess I need to get over it. I am sure if they're able to, they'd be happy to help. Similar with our neighbours. One of my friends doesn't work so she is the one I sounded out already, the others do including our neighbours but if it was just nursery run and overnight it could be OK.

I think I just need to trust it will be ok, sound some friends out, and go from there. My family live overseas and won't be coming straight after baby comes so can't really come earlier. DH's family isn't really equipped to look after a toddler, and also partly overseas. I guess we will make it work!

It would be the dream if I had a quick labour overnight!

OP posts:

Flip