Family expecting us to go to them with newborn

[Maymaymay]

Family back from abroad a few weeks after baby due date, but have chosen to stay an hour away and have no means of transport. They have asked us to visit them. If I go over baby could be less than a week old - or up to 3 weeks old. I want to see them but I know I might still be struggling to Breastfeed and potentially healing from any episiotomy or c section. Would you commit to a date or say you will have to see how you feel? Or just say you'll need to come to us ? I'm a first time mum so not sure if I'm over estimating I just think a 2 hour round trip with a week old could be a nightmare?

I could not have sat in a car for an hour each way 1-3 weeks postpartum. I had to have an episiotomy and sitting up for long periods was so painful. I was also still bleeding, and at 5 days pp I had mastitis, so was barely able to get out of bed let alone get dressed and go visiting people.

Even the most straightforward birth is hard on your body. This is the time where you get to be, no, NEED, to be, selfish. For you and baby.

Because I've never had a baby before so I don't know what it's like 😁.

Thank you everyone some really helpful replies ☺️

Ofocurse not, next you’ll tell us they want you cooking for them too…

whether you’ve had a baby before or not I’m sure you know birth isn’t a walk in the park and you need time for recovery on a good day, nevermind if there have been any complications. Surely your relatives would know this too or do they not give shit?

First DC, was fine, trips were an absolute doddle. Second DC, not a snow flake's chance in hell. I was fine but he cried so much in the first few weeks if he wasn't attached to my boob.....

You might be desperate for any reason to leave the house or you may have only got home the day before.

I’d tell them that you have no idea how you and the baby will be feeling so you want to play it by ear and not commit to anything until closer to the time.

Incidentally, if they can live abroad and arrange travel and accommodation to within one hour of your location, it should be a doddle for them to arrange a hire car/taxi/Uber/bus/train/tram/tube/whatever to your location.

You May (or may not) want to be helpful and meet somewhere in between which ties in nicely with the guidance of babies shouldn’t spend more than thirty minutes a time in a car seat.

I really feel for you op. You cannot commit.

First baby, I would have been physically up to it, but emotionally overwhelmed. Second baby this would have been no problem whatsoever. Third baby I was mostly bed bound for 10 days, and he absolutely wailed on any car journey. He could easily keep up the screaming for an hour. He’d relish the challenge. 😝

I think you may need to set the expectation that any plans made will be written in pencil.

At 2 weeks we drove just over an hour each way for a wedding 12 pm - 11 pm and it was fine (lovely even) but we had the option of me not going and leaving much earlier. I had a c section and felt fine, baby was a very settled newborn with another baby it may have been different. I’d say keep your options wide open and don’t commit to anything in advance.

Just wait and see how you feel. I've had episiotomy and c section and would have been fine with that journey after 10 days ish, so depends on when baby is born.

Maybe see if they can get a bus to somewhere in the middle so a shorter drive for you.

The huge advantage of you visiting them rather than the other way around is that you don't have to cook, clean or host, and you can leave when you want to - so if you want to see your family, travelling to them isn't necessarily a terrible option. But that said, there are so many factors that you just don't know about - baby's arrival date, your recovery, feeding, etc.

So I would say keep x day free for us (as late in their trip as poss) as long as you understand there's a chance we'd have to cancel as baby might not even be here yet! And then just play it by ear.

I don’t think the drive is the problem, I had a 1hr10min drive to/from the hospital for my first couple and that included a repaired fourth degree tear with one and routine episiotomy with the other.

I think the issue will be the visit at the end of the drive. At home, after an hour you have the perfect opportunity to say ‘great seeing you, am feeling a bit done in, heading off to bed and will leave you with hubby’. People get the hint and leave. You visiting somewhere is awkward as you don’t have that opportunity. I think the feeding bit is a furfy as you don’t need to lock yourself away to establish feeding, easier to persevere while in company than be bored shitless on your own in a room, and if they think there is something strange about boobs feeding babies they can go sit outside while you and hubby sit in their lounge room for the duration of the visit😁.

100% they come to you.@Maymaymay - just say that you have read up on this and the advice is that babies under 4 weeks shouldn’t have car journeys of more than 30 mins due to sids risk.

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/winter-your-baby/driving-your-baby-or-toddler-long-distance-tips-for-road-trips

It really does depend. I did it for my second to avoid family coming in drips and drabs. But wouldn't have with my first as it was more of a shock and I struggled more establishing breastfeeding.

In all likeliness you won't be up for it. I'd suggest that is the case and if they want to see baby they need to think how they're going to get to you.

Or just say you'll need to come to us ?

That.

Another saying see how you feel, but make it clear now they need to be prepared to come to you. I did a similar journey with DD at 3 weeks old to visit a dying relative for the last time and it was fine. But I wasn't in pain from the birth and felt OK (plus when I wasn't visiting said relative in hospital I was at my mums so could relax)

A few days after giving birth to twins, I could easily have done an hour's car journey.
But there is no way I'd risk my baby's breathing, and put them unnecessarily in a car seat for that long. Not even with "breaks". Why risk it?
Luckily the hospital I gave birth in was only 25 mins away, so we didn't have a long journey home.

Depends. Both of mine were emergency sections plus I breastfed. We went to family because I preferred it (leave when we wanted/not feeling like I needed to entertain). When dc1 was a week old we did an hour long journey with stops to visit dh's family, managed some shopping and lunch as well and after that we went all over the place. However, if it's not right for you...for whatever reason, then they need to come to you.

I understand the urge to instantly say no, and agree it's a pretty selfish request on.youe families side. But the perk of being able to leave if you need to is pretty valuable! Could you arrange a meeting point in between both destinations? This means half an hour in the car is safe with your baby AND you get to pick somewhere you feel comfortable (BF friendly) as well as having the option to go home when you feel like it??x

Don’t agree to anything. You might feel up to it, you might not.

We had to visit in-laws I think it was 5 days post birth. They’re only a 30 minute drive away but it was horrible. I was really struggling to breastfeed so was constantly moving to a different roll
to try as feed. I hated the journey, I was so emotional I just wanted to cry the entire way there and when I was there. The ONLY reason I agreed to this was because my FIL had recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer, was struggling with pain and frequent urination and he wouldn’t have made it to our house, he also struggles with our stairs and we have no downstairs toilet. While I love my PIL I certainly wouldn’t do it again, as I feel it really contributed to my PND and I’d happily speak up now.

If you comfortable to do so, express yourself concerns and tell them you cannot commit to anything but they’re welcome to come to you (if you’re happy for them to do so).