Pregnancy after Loss

[iaMHannah91]

Looking for advice

I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks in 2013 when I was just 21. I hadn't told anyone about the (UNPLANNED!) pregnancy and was secretly wishing it would all just sort itself out if I ignored it long enough.

And then it did. And I was in a complete state of distress. I told my boyfriend about the pregnancy then and he told me it was my fault (with a whole barrage of other abuse). Spoiler alert 4 years down the line I escaped from what had developed into a controlling and abusive relationship.

I didn't tell anyone else about my loss, for fear of judgement and being blamed. I just suffered in silence. I became increasingly anxious, depressed and suicidal. As well as entirely dependent on the boyfriend, which somewhat contributed to the controlling element of the relationship.

Fast forward to 2022. I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. I am in a loving and supportive relationship, married and so so excited for this baby. We struggled to conceive for more than a year and were starting to lose hope when we got that positive test.

But my excitement barely lasted a minute, before the severe anxiety kicked in. We told both sets of parents and a few close friends immediatelt, because I feared the loneliness that came with my isolated loss all those years ago.

NB. My husband knows about my miscarriage and I did also eventually tell my parents about it. In laws do not know (I don't think). But since they didn't experience that loss with me, I appreciate why they don't quite understand how I feel right now.

I was insistent that they don't share the news until I am much further along. And have also said that I don't want them to buy things for baby either because it is too soon.

But now at 20 weeks, my mum wants to know when she can tell her family about the pregnancy and my MIL keeps wanting to know if she is allowed to buy little outfits and things yet. And I just keep saying no. I feel so guilty but I just don't want to have to deal with extended family or packing away baby things if this pregnancy ends in loss.

This is the first grandchild on both sides, so they are understandably super excited. So I don't know whether I am being completely unreasonable? Or whether it is worth being honest and telling both mums that I'm not ready to prepare for the baby because I am so terrified of loss. And that I don't really want to tell anyone except my closest family, because I don't want to have to face the well meaning comments of extended family, when I am still so so worried about this pregnancy.

But the further along I get, I am starting to wonder if I will be ready until I have the baby in my arms??

About me - in case anyone is worried

I have suffered with anxiety for a long time and also started having panic attacks after my miscarriage. I started treatment (medication and talking therapies) after leaving my past relationship, but have continued to struggle with anxiety. I was receiving CBT again recently and have also had a referral to parent-infant-pyschotherapy after speaking to my midwife about intrusive thoughts and difficulty allowing myself to bond with my baby during the pregnancy. So I am getting the support I need for my mental health ♡♡

that miscarriage was not your fault. If only our thoughts could bring out positive or negative outcomes! It’s not possible but I see if you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts this might be hard to shake.

I suppose your family and mil knows you are getting help ? Just tell them they going against your wish we could affect your mental health negatively and you understand it’s hard for them, but it’s harder for you.

you are entitled not to tell people anything until you are ready.

I didn’t buy anything for the baby, I don’t post anything on fb, etc, just told a few friends. And I didn’t struggle with anxiety or anything else, it was just my choice. I felt more comfortable this way.

I didn’t get any pushback on it, but if I had I would have told them this is my wish. Now they could have gone against it and I would have reacted accordingly, I don’t think your family would want to jeopardise the rel with you and the baby for such things. I think you’re getting push back bc they think they can. That is not something ppl would try with me. I don’t think they have bad intentions, just need to be told firmly.

this is the first struggle, you might see more intrusions as you become a mum, how to raise your child, etc. if you don’t stand firm, you’re setting yourself up for lots more unpleasant things down the line. As much as you find it hard to stay firm, I’m sure you don’t want to keep doing it your whole life. It’s also good practice for setting up boundaries and good behaviour with children too, you’ll be challenged there a lot too :)