Me and my sister both pregnant

[Mamabear99]

Am I being silly? So me and my sister are 5 weeks apart in pregnancy, and my family have not bothered with me once since becoming pregnant. I’ve had to rely on my partners family to help me with getting to appointments and childcare for my children. While my family have bent over backwards for my sister. They don’t ask how I’m doing. Don’t ask about the pregnancy. Nothing and it’s really starting to get to me now, i suffer with BPD. So sometimes I get very emotional etc. but my family have always done this put her and my other sister before me. I just feel like I’m a burden to them. Now my nana is mad that she isn’t bringing me home from the hospital once have had my child. But why should I let her? She hasn’t once bothered with me whereas my partners nana has done everything for us and she would like to bring me home.

You mention you already have children, does your sister?

Also, do you need that much involvement? The journey home for example: surely your DP will collect you, or do they not drive?

Your post sounds very me me me, your baba has offered to take you home from the hospital and you have declined... as though it's an honour and not helping you. Had your sister had struggles? Is she alone? Have other children?

You sound very needy and like you need a lot of help. Maybe your family are fed up with it. Why on earth do you need help with getting to appointments?

Not sure about this one, its very strange and not nice if they are treating you differently. However, why do you need either family to take you to appointments and look after your children? Just take yourself to appointments. Your dp can look after your kids, use your regular childcare or take them with you. Your dp's nana has "done everything for [you]"? Neither nana should be doing everything for you, that not a usual expectation. Maybe with more realistic expectations, your family's behaviour will seem more reasonable.

It appears as if they've always treat you this way - the black sheep. Is that right? It may be better all round if you go low or jo contact if they constantly treat you badly.

How are they/were you with your earlier pregnancies?

Why do they need to help with stuff? I get on fab with my folks but they didn't do anything different when pregnant except ask a bit about that.

Surely you take yourself to appointments and take your other dc with you if you don’t have childcare? That’s what most adults do?

If your sister is being treated differently to you then I get it isn’t nice but it’s hard to comment without knowing the full situation and if there are reasons she might need more support right now.

Probably should of added more context. My post may come across as me me me but there’s more too it. Yes my sister has other children. They’ve never supported me not once. Also we all live very close. The hospital I have to go to is far from where I live. It takes 1 hour 30 by public transport. My DP doesn’t drive due to medical reasons. It’s not that I need them involved but whenever I’ve asked for some help or support I’ve been turned down. I moved out at the age of 14 because of what they was doing to me. And still continue todo to me. But with them being “family” I have tried to keep them involved. But they don’t want to be. But are happy to be there for my sister. My family won’t even watch my children. Even for appointments. I don’t expect anyone to help me. But it hurts when my own family refuse to help me but are willing to help anyone else. And the reason I’ve declined for my Nana to take me is because she hasn’t once bothered to check up on me or my children. I reach out to her once sometimes twice a week asking how her and her husband are. My youngest child doesn’t even know the family because the last time she seen them she was around 2.

So this is about who has more contact then? You’re low contact with your family and your sister isn’t?

With the extra context OP I think hard as it is, you need to accept that they aren’t going to change after all this time. I would concentrate on the people who do bother with you and distance yourself from your family.

Your nana has offered to bring you home and obviously really wants to help, that is helping you! I'm pregnant too and although I sympathise i can't actually think what I've asked for really solid help with, what kind of help has your sister had ?

Is BPD borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder OP? Either way have you got a mental health midwife, Community Mental Health team or the perinatal mental health team? Pregnancy can be a really stressful time even without all the family drama on top and those services can help. It must be very painful to see your sister treated so differently. All the best for your pregnancy.

It sounds like the issue is long standing and you've repeatedly reached out so I wouldn't gift the honour of bringing you home if the alternative is feasible. Would wonder if it was just for them to be able to appear to others to be helpful rather than genuinely wanting to help you. If they've not seen your two year old then that says a lot. Good luck.

My nana is the type of person she has only offered because she wants to see my baby before other people do and to beable to tell people that she did it. Not out of the kindness of her heart. Just like she did with my last. Which she doesn’t even bother with now. They’ve taken my sister to every single appointment. They haven’t missed a single one. They’ve bought her all sorts ( I don’t expect them todo that for me. But it would be nice when I’ve asked for some help if they’d help but they never do) i don’t want nor need anything buying for my child as it’s my child I will provide everything they need. They will drop everything to babysit her children. But mine don’t even see her. It’s things like that. And she lives 5 minutes up the road… and I mean borderline personality disorder, I do get help from services and my support worker and my childrens school. It just makes me feel not good enough if they can help with all her needs but not help me. I don’t understand why I’m treated so differently. She most definitely isn’t bringing me home as My DP Nana has offered to help with all sorts throughout the pregnancy. She will happily go out of her way for me. She treats me asif I’m hers and not an in law. She has been amazing to me. So it’s only fair she gets the special moment of meeting her grand baby.

Its not even that I don’t get on with my family. I do get along with them. I just don’t understand why they won’t help me if i need help. But they expect it from me whenever they need it. I used to have a good relationship with my nana. But over the years she changed. You’re comment was really not needed whatsoever. Talk about kick someone down when there low. I’m far from “dependent on others” when I’ve done and provided everything for myself since the age of 14. Thank you very much. Aswell as for my children. I don’t rely on others atall. I’ve got myself to every single appointment apart from 2 because of a strike with pubic transport. That was when I asked for help and she declined. But took my sister to one 2 days later. But thanks for you’re crappy comment. Have a lovely day.

@Mamabear99 i dont understand why you still want these people in your life. Put your energy into your DP’s family, if they are willing to help, make new friends etc.

but first I’d say you need to become more self reliant.

you may never understand why they behave like this and us on internet will have even less of a clue, but it’s clear the situation has been like that for decades and it’s not going to change. You are now self harming emotionally by still having expectations.

if your 2 year old doesn’t know them, then they are strangers, not family, or estranged to be more accurate. We don’t have expectations from strangers. Let them go, emotionally and otherwise.

They don’t let you take other dc to maternity scans any more. Dp may be working/saving holiday for baby’s arrival. It’s not unreasonable to reach for family support if they have the time, and have been helping other family members in similar situations.

Sorry just read you are self reliant, that’s good.

and you help when they ask. Don’t . I wouldn’t make a fight or start pointing out how they treat you differently, bc nothing will change anyway. Whatever excuses they have give you, no time, busy, etc, just say them back.

think how much energy and emotional upheaval this is taking from you. Wouldn’t have you been better using this time to build other relationships with ppl that you could help and they could help in return?

I've seen it for so long as there my family and family should stick together. But I'm starting to realise it's not like that with mine and family isn't always about blood. I have recently started with my DPs family as they have been amazing. They're more like what a family should be then what my own are. Its just very hard to cut people off you've classed as family for you're entire life. But it's affecting me having them in my life and them treating me poorly. Thank you for your comment.

Thank you so much for you’re comment! This is exactly how it is. He works but he can’t drive due to medical issues but hoping next year he might be able to. I thought family was supposed to support eachother and help in times off need. But mine isn’t. And my hospital doesn’t allow children to attend.

Its okay, and I’m not going to anymore. I’m finally at a point of I’ve had enough. It’s mentally and physically draining, I have recently started saying no but my family don’t like the word No and they always cause a big fuss how they done this that and the other for me growing up they took me to clubs etc, paid for my clothes and food etc. I’m definitely almsot at the place of cutting all ties. It’s just hard when we live in a close town to each other.

I'm very low contact with my dad so I know how hard it is to cut someone out of your life. I still feel guilty sometimes, despite everything he's done. But I also know it was the best thing for my mental health and to protect my child. They've treated you badly since you were a child, who does that?! Go low contact and see how it goes. Expect absolutely nothing and I'm willing to bet that you'll feel better about it all. They have their own reasons for behaving the way they do and it doesn't have anything to do with you, they're just not very nice people.

What an ugly thing to say. If that’s why you have and raise children, then that says all about them.

they seem to thrive on conflict and pulling emotional strings. They best way to deal with it is not to get worked up (hard I know) just say you’re so grateful for everything they have done and you wish you could help but you have lots of children, one is ill, one is having issues at school, your DP has these problems, you yourself lots of pains and aches. Etc etc

if you don’t engage emotionally or in a fight, you’ll see first they will be puzzled, then they will ramp up. But as long as you don’t give them anything to “attach” to, you’re so grateful but swamped. I would also start complaining about my life before they can ask for anything, but without asking them anything in return either. You’ll see eventually hey will disappear out of your life. I know from experience.

and one day you’ll also not suffer from this and would be glad of the people you have invested in since.