Boyfriend accused me of getting pregnant behind his back

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/09/2022 10:42

He is being ridiculous. You both should have been more responsible and you were clearly wanting to get pregnant but you didn't do it behind his back at all!

HairyMothballs · 12/09/2022 10:47

He and you should have sorted out some type of contraception if you didn't want a baby. As it is, you're pregnant and are both responsible, and you'll both be responsible for this child.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/09/2022 10:47

The kinder side of me thinks he is panicking about impending parenthood. The normal day to day side of me thinks this is a him problem and he needs to get himself sorted before his child arrives. This isn't your problem to fix or be put on you.

Goforgo · 12/09/2022 10:47

He’s a knob. How is knowingly having unprotected sex with someone, going behind their back?? What planet does he live on. Knobhead.

Owlsinmybedroom · 12/09/2022 11:01

Every couple of weeks there seems to be a thread on here about a man who thinks he is magically not responsible for his own sperm and pregnancy is 100% the woman's fault

He is an idiot obviously. Its perfectly normal to panic about having a baby and the impact on your lives, particularly if you weren't actively planning a child. Its not fair to unilaterally place the blame for the situation on one person in the relationship.

It feels like maybe you have both sleepwalked a bit into this situation and for both your sakes you need to sit down and talk finances, parental leave and other practicalities before you find yourself sleep walking into a situation where you take all the career impact and he considers all the money his...

Ultimately this conversation may reassure him or he may decide he definitely does want to split up and leave you. In that case you need to be getting together what you need to claim through CMS etc.

You also need to decide whether you want to stay with him. A man who blames his partner for getting pregnant when he actively doesn't use contraception, waits until the window for abortion has passed and then decides he doesn't want to be in the relationship is, to be frank, an arsehole.

Original poster

0991abc · 12/09/2022 14:05

Thank you all. I know there's a blame on both of us. But just feel like it's all being thrown at me. But it's too late to do anything about it now, baby is coming and that's it.

He's really hurt my feelings this weekend and I don't know what the best option is as I'm getting myself in a state all the time. Defo not fair on the baby 😔

Can't believe I'm in this situation, I didn't think anything like this would ever happen to us.

OP posts:

SouthwestSis · 12/09/2022 14:30

This has the hallmarks of a bloke who wants to end a relationship but is too coward to do it himself. He's acting in a way to try and get you to end things perhaps?
Worth pressing him to check he isn't seeing /interacting with anyone else.
Hope for your sake I am completely wrong OP but either way you are better off knowing

DarceyG · 12/09/2022 14:54

0991abc · 12/09/2022 10:39

I really don't know where to start. I feel like I'm going mad and apologise in advance if this is a long story.
I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby. The last few weeks my boyfriend of 8 years has been really distant, doesn't really talk to me and never touches me anymore. I kept asking if he was ok but yes was the answer all the time.
Recently when he had been drinking he eventually told me what was on his mind. He was worried about the arrival of the baby, the financial side of things (we live comfortably, it's not like we're really struggling but I understand times are hard recently), he won't be able to do anything after the baby arrives and that he was going to be an useless Dad. He wanted to end the relationship.
I feel like it's come out of nowhere. When I first told him I was pregnant he was happy, he was joking with silly names and reading books to prepare. It looks like he's had a change of heart. Either for the reasons he said above.. or for some other reason. I'm overthinking everything.
This weekend he accused me of getting pregnant behind his back.. which has really upset me. He knew I had to go off the pill because of migranes and we were using condoms. Eventually protection was not being used, ok, we didn't talk about it properly, but I assumed that because he wasn't reaching for protection he knew what could happen. And if it happens, it happens. Naive, I know. We should of spoken properly. We had spoken about having children in the past and we both wanted the same thing. Anyway, it eventually happened but the first pregnancy ended in a miscarraige. We went back to using condoms. And the same thing happened again. He stopped reaching for them. So he 100% knew what could happen without them. So I'm not sure how he can accuse me of planning this pregnancy behind his back.
I just need your opinions.. do you think he's panicking and blaming everyone except for himself, or is he trying to push me out of his life? I feel like everything's my fault and I'm not enjoying the pregnancy anymore. I really don't know what to do for my own sanity and for his.

My ex got cold feet when she was & months, she looked exactly like him but she has blue eyes, his are brown. He said he did not think she could be his. Devastating words to hear. I did stay for another year then left because I was like a single parent in a relationship. Hopefully he is just panicking and it will be fine but be prepared just in case.

DarceyG · 12/09/2022 14:55

Sorry 7 months old

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 14:57

Be prepared to be a single parent. He is already halfway out the door.

Mardyface · 12/09/2022 15:01

What's his relationship with his dad like? If it's bad/non-existent I'd be thinking the last minute nerves thing. Even so it's pretty inexcusable to say you got pregnant behind his back unless his cock extends around his body and you manhandled it while he was asleep. You are not to blame at all because you knew what unprotected sex might mean - and so did he!

I don't think it's realistic to say 'LTB' when you're heavily pregnant but in your shoes I would be making preparations and plans should you need to bring up your baby without him. Hopefully he will realise he's being an utter twat (because he is) and grovel unreservedly.

LolaDrek · 12/09/2022 15:02

I would really push him on the idea that you got pregnant behind his back. It’s not like you were on the pill and forgot to take it or said you’d take morning after pill but changed your mind. What did he say when you pointed out that you got pregnant TWICE because HE didn’t put an condom on?

i would really push him on what he wants. It’s so unfair to treat you like this. Tell him the baby deserves a committed enthusiastic father and he needs to decide whether he can manage that or if he’d rather waste his time doing whatever he thinks he can’t do with a baby.

Original poster

0991abc · 12/09/2022 15:15

I've been thinking that he might be speaking or seeing someone else, because it seems like he's changed his mind about this baby very fast. And also thought he's trying to get me to walk so that he doesn't look like a complete knob for kicking a pregnant woman out.

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myyellowcar · 12/09/2022 15:20

He’s rewriting history to make himself feel better for walking out on you. To convince himself this situation isn’t his responsibility and he isn’t a bad guy for preparing to walk away.

MrsWooster · 12/09/2022 15:21

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/09/2022 10:47

The kinder side of me thinks he is panicking about impending parenthood. The normal day to day side of me thinks this is a him problem and he needs to get himself sorted before his child arrives. This isn't your problem to fix or be put on you.

Perfect answer.

Original poster

0991abc · 12/09/2022 15:21

I really don't know what to do. Realistically, baby could be here within 7 weeks as it's measuring big and I don't know if moving out would cause too much stress on a already stressy situation. I feel like I'm in a complete mess and everything I try and say to him gets turned back against me.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/09/2022 15:33

The fact of the matter is he is going to be a father soon regardless of how involved he chooses to be.

Tonight, I'd say to him "what are you doing to prepare yourself for fatherhood? How do you plan on getting your head around this? Regardless of your feelings for or towards me, soon you will have a child. So you need to take some responsibility for getting your head into a place where it is ready to be a father"

TwoWeeksislong · 12/09/2022 15:53

Tell him it’s anatomically impossible to get pregnant by a man behind his back.

Seriously though, he knew exactly what the contraception situation was, he was in complete control of putting a condom on his own penis if he wanted to, you’d had conversations about having children (presumably you were both thinking yes, and probably fairly soon), and you’d already got pregnant once this year.

He’s freaking out. Which happens. You can’t force him to be a good parent. You can apply for maintenance. He may come round and sort his head out and co parent well. He may not. If this was me I’d never be able to trust him again.

TwoWeeksislong · 12/09/2022 15:56

What’s your housing situation like? His house? Your house? Jointly owned/rented?

Mardyface · 12/09/2022 15:56

For your own sanity just carry on with your day to day life. Don't move out, refuse to engage in conversations with him about it unless it is 'I'm so sorry what a dick I am', don't stop doing what you normally would - except maybe do anything you can to make yourself financially secure if possible. You need to try to be calm and let him have his own little hissy fit. If he wants you to do something he needs to tell you and then you can talk about it but moaning and accusations is of no practical use at all.

CristinaNov182 · 12/09/2022 16:00

0991abc · 12/09/2022 15:21

I really don't know what to do. Realistically, baby could be here within 7 weeks as it's measuring big and I don't know if moving out would cause too much stress on a already stressy situation. I feel like I'm in a complete mess and everything I try and say to him gets turned back against me.

Don’t move out, the few months with a baby are very stressful, you don’t get much sleep, nevermind being a first time parent. And it’s not your fault. If he wants to move out, let him do it.

I’d push back and ask him how can he blame you when he didn’t use the condom AND he got your pregnant twice! I wouldn’t look for an “in depth” discussion about who”s to blame. I’d leave it at that and walk. Would just say that so he knows his blame shifting didn’t work.

Apart from that, I’d give him time. It might be cold feet or it might be he realised for some reason or another he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I wouldn’t push here. Let him meet the baby and see how he reacts. He might be blowing it out of proportion thinking he can’t handle it and discover he can and he loves the baby.

he’s still the father and has responsibility but I’ll leave that discussion for after birth, after a couple months after, to give him time to adjust. If he plans to move out then obviously discuss his future responsibility then and there.

Original poster

0991abc · 12/09/2022 16:35

It's a rented house but in his name. So I'd be the one to move out.
I'm trying to carry on like normal, but it's hard when he can't look at me or talk to me. I really don't want to leave.
I really would like to believe that he's just in panic mode and he'll come around once baby has arrived. I'll just have to wait it out until baby is here I think because it wouldn't make any sense to go now. It's just heart brraking the way he is with me

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Sleepytimebear · 12/09/2022 16:44

Personally I would challenge him about this and make clear that he knows you didn't get pregnant behind his back because 1) he knows you came off the pill 2) he stopper wearing condoms despite knowing this and 3) you have already been pregnant once this year as a result of 1 and 2. If he maintains this position he is lying. I would also make plans to parent alone. I don't really believe this can be the result of cold feet.

Motherofalittledragon · 12/09/2022 17:02

Well if he knew you were not on birth control and not using condoms what does he expect, stupid man!

DarceyG · 12/09/2022 17:08

0991abc · 12/09/2022 15:15

I've been thinking that he might be speaking or seeing someone else, because it seems like he's changed his mind about this baby very fast. And also thought he's trying to get me to walk so that he doesn't look like a complete knob for kicking a pregnant woman out.

You know him and your intuition is usually spot on. I don’t think it can swept under the carpet, it’s not a good sign when someone goes cold.