Feeling homesick / can't settle into new house

[Yasha78]

Currently 29 weeks pregnant.

I'm 31 and moved out of my parents' house when I was 18. I have moved around a lot and have lived on the other side of the globe for several years with no issues, so this is a bit strange for me.

After returning from abroad, my DH and I stayed at my parents' house for a while until we could get settled here. My pregnancy wasn't planned, and although we are happy about it, it was not exactly the best timing.

We initially struggled with finding a place to rent because of how competitive it is but finally found a place that on paper is ideal for us. Unfortunately, after living here for 3 months, I just still can't settle and I don't like the place.

It's objectively "nicer" than a lot of places we have lived. It's a 3-bedroom end terrace which, although very old, has been refurbished. It's big, quite modern inside, high ceilings, large rooms etc.

After living here for a while, though, it does seem as if the recent refurbishment was just papering over cracks. We have had a few issues and the estate agents aren't exactly great at dealing with them. I'm probably magnifying the issues in my head as worse than they are as my pregnancy has resulted in a lot of anxiety for me.

More than anything, I'm struck with a feeling a bit like homesickness, where I just want to be back "home" with my parents again. Living with them wasn't easy - there wasn't enough space and it took its toll on my DH (understandably - I'd struggle to live at my in-laws for an extended period).

But from a completely selfish perspective, I have this constant urge to want to run back "home" and for us to move back in with them. I love my DH and I have no doubts about wanting to be with him, but whenever I visit my parents', I just feel so looked after and safe. My DH does so much for me, but it's not in a parental way (which of course is a good and healthy thing!).

We are only 30 minutes away from them, which makes it even more ridiculous! It's almost like I've regressed to being a child after all this time. Every time I leave after visiting my parents, I feel really sad. When I walk into their house, I get that relaxed, "at home" feeling, which I'm not getting in our current house.

Our rental contract ends in June so if it's about the house itself, it's not going to be forever. But I'm confused about why I'm having these feelings. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar and if maybe it is pregnancy hormones?

Hi! I don’t have exactly similar experiences, but your post resonated with me. There might be a couple of things going on. Firstly, yes, you may be getting those pregnancy “nesting” urges ahead of your baby’s birth. I spent a long time getting our flat tidy and cosy in anticipation. If I’d been in a new place I imagine that could have been unsettling.

Something else is that I’ve realised how much I’ve needed “parents” since becoming a parent (my DD is a year old). As an independent adult pre-child, I certainly appreciated the older adults in my life. But now…it’s a whole other level. Visiting my parents, or older family friends just feels hugely soothing and safe. Restful, like being wrapped in a duvet on a cold night. This is even when they’re not doing much in terms of childcare, just being present. I’m rationalising it that parenthood is a big step with lots of responsibilities. It can feel overwhelming. Being around people who love you and who have done it before is reassuring, it tells me (and DH) that we don’t have to do it all alone.

So, I don’t know what to say about your housing situation, but perhaps you’re feeling unsettled about becoming parents? That would be very understandable. If so, you both will find your way through and do a great job raising your little one. But also be gentle on yourself, it’s ok to seek comfort in the people who love you and see them often. Lots is changing!

(I personally wouldn’t move back in though… :) there’s value in your own space)

I’ve always had a really good relationship with my parents, but when I had my first child, I suddenly wanted to be with them a lot more. I too had been very independent before that, living on my own, moving away etc. But giving birth definitely made me crave the safety and comfort of their company and home. This was despite having a really great and supportive husband.

It was a really strange feeling, I wanted to see them every day! It did ease a little after a few months, but I just couldn’t settle fully. We were living 45 minutes away in a house we had been in for 3 years. We had planned to be there for a long time, but when my daughter was 1, we moved back to my home city and only 10 minutes away from my parents. I then felt content and settled and we’ve been here 17 years now. I can see them easily now, I can pop in for a coffee, little things like that I find really comforting. I don’t know if I would have felt like this if I’d not had children. I definitely realised I needed them, their advice, mainly just their presence.

Perhaps it's because it's not 5 mins away but half an hour? That's not really I'm popping in for a quick cup-of-tea distance if you see what I mean. I don't need to see my parents every day or every few days even but I couldn't live more than 10/15 mins away in all honesty. And I've done the whole travelling and living away too. I think perhaps distance coupled with pregnancy is giving you that feeling. I hope it eases and you can find your own place so you can settle properly and hopefully somewhere near to your family.