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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Awaiting Miscarriage - how do i deal with what's to come away

21 replies

mammabelleboo · 22/01/2008 12:53

Hi
This is one of the saddest days of my life ........have been bleeding on & off through my short pregnancy, continually for the last week, so scanned today and baby has no h/b

Lovely nurse went thro options and have decided to let nature take it's course. I can come to terms with what has happened in time, but am dreading dealing with what will inevitabley come away. Can't bear the thoughts of having to flush the loo on my baby but think it will traumatise me for life if I try and fish baby out of the loo - then what would I do with him/her? Don't want to bury baby in the garden as a constant reminder every time I look out the window and can't stomach the thought of putting baby in something, endure a journey to hospital with it for them to dispose of.

So am thinking of having my priest bless my tummy where s/he is resting at the moment and also bless the pic I have from an earlier scan a few weeks ago when all was well......then when the awful time comes, at least s/he has had some kind of blessing before I let go. I'm not catholic but dh is but I feel it would be a comfort to me to have this done.

Feel so helpless and incredibly sad as nothing seems to be the right option - what should i do.

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 22/01/2008 12:57

Am so sorry. Happened to me a few years ago. Depending on how far along you are - I was 13 weeks - you won't see anything recognisable. I think the idea of getting the blessing is lovely (I'm not religious either). This was your baby and you are allowed to grieve. Although it may seem like there's no right option, there's no wrong option either.

My heart goes out to you xxx

belgo · 22/01/2008 13:00

hi mammabelleboo - what a difficult time for you. Having your baby in your tummy blessed is a lovely idea.

I buried my tiny fetus. I felt it coming out, and 'caught' it in a tissue. I feel at peace with the way I dealt with it.

With my second miscarriage, there was no one piece to bury.

aquababe · 22/01/2008 13:03

unfortunately nobody can tell you what to do.
Here's what I did and I found it a help with the several steps of closure
I caught my baby as she came out (at 8 weeks). my dh built a small simple coffin out of wood we then had a priest friend say some special prayers (We are both Catholic and there are special prayers for this). We then had a little crmeation ceremony (involving family, my dad did the hard bits) then scattered her at see near my grand parents house (not somewhere we go alot)
I have found naming her help as it stopped us refering to her as the mc.

Hope this helps

I'm really sorry for your loss these next few days really are the hardest it will get better

cmotdibbler · 22/01/2008 13:04

Its awful isn't it. After mc#2 where I faced this, I opted for an ERPC on #3 because I just couldn't do it again. There wasn't anything recongnisable as such, but I did know when I passed the sac.

The idea of the blessing is lovely, and I'm sure the priest would be supportive - certainly the only really understanding person was the hospital chaplain.

I hope you find a way to cope with this, that works for you and DH

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 22/01/2008 13:06

Although I had nothing to bury I did name her and planted a tree - somewhere I didn't go often but that meant a lot - so that I would have somewhere to go to, and something real to touch.

There is no wrong answer

xxx

Original poster

mammabelleboo · 22/01/2008 13:13

Thanks all for your kind messages - mumsnet is such a comfort and everyone is so lovely.

Think I will ask for the blessing as a starting point and give it some more thought as to how I deal with it when it comes. Am interested that you have an incling that it's about to happen.......am hoping in a way that nothing recognisable comes away so the choice is out of my hands. Baby was 7 weeks so I guess s/he will be very small

Like the idea of a tree or something - couldn't give a name as never knew sex.

Missing my mum at the moment as she is on hols and don't want her to know so am off to my lovely mum-in-law's now for some TLC. Also need a cuddle with dd who is 2.4 - how lucky I feel to have her. You take pregnancy for granted and that it will all be OK - to think I could have lost her the same way makes me so thankful to have her.
Thanks again all x.

OP posts:

aquababe · 22/01/2008 13:19

I never knew the sex of mine just felt like it was a girl so named her May (her due month)
The second one I had no strong feeling for so they got named star

Janus · 22/01/2008 17:35

Mamma, I'm so sorry, it really is one of the worst things to go through. When I had my mc I had an ERPC as part of me didn't know what to do with 'the remains'. I since remember someone starting a similar thread to this and I think they decided to place their remains in a plant pot and put a small tree, like say an Acer, in the pot and remember them that way. I thought that sounded lovely.
My Mum and Dad were also on holiday when mine happened and I so needed my Mum but didn't tell her until they came back, I know what you mean about missing your Mum at a time like this. I'm so sorry for you and hope you manage to find some comfort in the coming weeks. Take care.

Original poster

mammabelleboo · 22/01/2008 19:10

Had my blessing today and feel so much better for it. The priest was lovely and said prayers for my baby before blessing him/her.......I know I can now be more comfortable with the inevitable closure i have to face in the coming weeks. Thanks to all who have posted here and supported me & to those who have also gone thro this I hope you are able to come out of the other side of it Ok and move on.x.

OP posts:

spicemonster · 22/01/2008 19:23

I chose not to have an ERPC because I was scared they'd made a mistake so I wanted to go through the actual miscarriage.

At 7 weeks it will be like a heavy period I would imagine. I was 13 weeks and it took about 3 days and I had contractions but I'm glad I went through it although I appreciate not everyone will feel the same way. I didn't save anything but I planted a tree and named it for him. He is still growing there for me

It's such a horrible, horrible thing to go through but I'm pleased for you that the blessing helped. Wishing you strength to get through the coming days.

belgo · 22/01/2008 19:29

mammabelleboo - my first miscarriage was at 7 weeks, and as I said in my earlier post, the fetus came out in one piece, surrounded in blood.

My second m/c was at six weeks, and there was nothing recognisable.

It's lovely that you have had the blessing.

Your hormones and emotions will be all over the place for a few weeks, but it does get better.

LadyOfTheCauliFlowers · 22/01/2008 19:32

i m/c'd our first baby at 12 weeks.
i took what came out (unrecognisable but deffo the start of a baby) and bought her a special box, made of hard cardboard stuff and buried her in the garden and planted a shrub over the top and sat a stone cherub underneath the tree.
dh and i felt this is what was best for us to do so she is always near and we can go to her.
we named her (i just had a feeling the baby was a girl) and she would have been 4 on feb 2nd. I will go out to the tree and spend a few minutes on that day thinking and stuff, shedding a tear.

youmust do what is right for you and dont let anyone put you off.

after it happened the nurse scanned me to check all was well and i had taken her with me as the leaflets they had given me said to keep and show what came away. the nurse thought i was odd wanting to take my baby home and insisted i left her but i refused and thats what we did.

lizandlulu · 22/01/2008 19:51

just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you, all of you, for the horrendous times you have been through

LOVEMYMUM · 22/01/2008 21:03

Hi mamma. Am sorry that you and your family are going thru this. I love the idea of having the blessing. I hope it gives you peace.

I'm Jewish and I told DH and my parents that if i had a miscarriage, i wanted to bury the baby and sit shiva (the week of mourning) for my child - even if it was under 12 weeks.

Preggies32 · 23/01/2008 23:23

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear your awful news! I had a miscarriage when i was 16years old. I was 11wks pregnant. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and took me ages to come to terms with it! I was in hospital for a week losing my baby and had to an operation to clean out my womb. That was 16years ago and i scince have gone on to have 2 beautiful daughters, im also pregnant with my 3rd child which is due in 3wks. Be strong there is light at the end of the dark tunnel!

Jackstini · 23/01/2008 23:31

Hi Mamma - sorry you are going through this. Glad you got your blessing today and hope things go smoothly from here.
Just in case they don't, please don't worry. My 1st mc I left for 3 weeks to let nature take its course but nothing happened so I had an evac. They were really good with me and before the op they explained any remains of lost babies are put together each week so they are not alone and cremated together. I did feel better knowing this happened.
Take care of yourself and get all the support you need

nervousal · 24/01/2008 09:23

I've had one mc and am in middle of second - both lost at around 6-7 weeks. Both have just been heavy bleeding, with clots and some indefinable tissue. Nothing that you could say was a baby. Also - it hasn't happened all at once, but over about a week or so.

Original poster

mammabelleboo · 24/01/2008 13:44

Hi all
just wanted to post to say mc happened yesterday and I coped with it better than I thought.

Without giving tmi, baba came first - not at all recognisable so not as traumatic as it could of been just followed by lots of bleeding for about 2 hrs. Cramps were very bearable. dh dealt with the loo issue and i felt OK as I had had the blessing and MIL had given me some holy water from Lourdes and we put that down the loo too......so to anyone else who has to go through this - it is the most heartbreaking thing - but you will cope becuase you have to, there is no choice.

Am now dealing with the emotional aftermath and am going through in my head what I may have done wrong - but i am clinging to the belief that it was just natures way of dealing with something that for whatever reason was not meant to be . My thoughts are with anyone else in this sad boat. x. And thanks for all your posts - they have been comforting. x.

OP posts:

Jackstini · 24/01/2008 21:05

Well done for coping so far Mamma, glad the difficult physical part is over with.
The next few days will be hard but there will always be someone on here to support you.

aquababe · 26/01/2008 11:53

I found the following thread a great support
particularly for all those questions you have afterwards

[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1366/459531?stamp=080126053018]

it does get a little easier with time.
You will go through so much in your head but really try not to blame yourself.

notjustmom · 26/01/2008 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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