is this normal for your MIL to do?

[fabulousmama]

hey guys

i keep posting about my in laws because i’ve got no one else to talk to and i just need to know whatever i’m feeling is the right thing.

since my baby has been born my MIL has taken over and gives my little one a bath herself everyday. ive said i’ll do it it’s my baby and she said no it’ll be too hard for you to hold her and wash her. she changes her nappy before and after bath and sometimes randomly during the day if im in another room.

ive said i’ll chnage her nappy and still she carries on. i’ve been ill for the past 2 days and my MIL has decided to take over not like they weren’t already before but now even more! my little angel had her first bottle last night after exclusively breastfeeding for 4 weeks which i just couldn’t do anymore. i’m still breastfeeding during the day but wanted to introduce a bottle now and I wanted to give my baby her first bottle seeing as i’m her mum and it was such a big thing for me. i woke up and MIL was making up the milk so i quickly woke up even though i didn’t feel the best and held my daughter from my husband and waited for the milk to cool and said to my MIL oh pass it to me and i’ll feed her, im awake. and she said no don’t worry i will .. i said no and grabbed the bottle and it took a while for my baby to get it into her mouth because she was crying so i had to rock her to calm her down. by this time my MILs hands were getting closer and closer towards me trying to cup my baby into her arms and she took her sat next to me and gave her the bottle. i wanted to cry so bad. she might have thought it was all innocent but it was horrible for me. after 1 minute i took her and fed her the rest but her first bottle moment is just so precious for me and she took it away from me! she must have thought yet again i don’t know how to bottle feed because i have no experience. my SIL said oh it’s best if she stay downstairs with MIL because we’re all not well and with breastfeeding too meaning give her a bottle. i defiantly am not going to give a bottle because i’m sure breast milk makes her immune if she does get i’ll.

don’t in laws ever think when couples move out what are they going to do then? call them up every two seconds to see if baby is crying. come over everyday to help me dress my baby. 😡

another thing-
as soon as my 4 week old baby cries which is normal they all come running. MIL is here within one second i don’t know how? it’s like she’s waiting outside the room! my FIL tells the other people in the house quickly go and check as soon as they hear a whimper. SIL comes running to see what’s wrong. and i say the same thing everytime. ‘she wants feeding’ ‘just gonna change her nappy’ honestly does not help them being here!

i’ve locked our door before but they knock and knock and apparently they have a key so they’ve opened it a few times from outside!!! during the night if she cries my MIL runs across the landing and knocks on our door and we just say what are you doing? were just changing her nappy, don’t keep getting up. once my baby was crying quite a bit because she wasn’t latching on for some reason and MIL opened door from outside! no flipping privacy!

i really want to move out but everything is too expensive and we don’t have anywhere else we can go at the moment. i just don’t know how to make them stop acting this way. i already feel like shit with baby blues but it’s carried on up to 4 weeks so just waiting to speak to a doctor. i feel like whatever i do i’m doing wrong but maybe that’s just mum guilt.

my baby just woke up now and started crying and MIL came running and i said im gonna feed her with a straight face and she said why don’t you give her a bottle. i said no sternly ..

the whole reason i got bottles was to give her at least one on evening or during night but breastfeed the rest of the time. maybe my MIL think she’s helping by taking the ‘work’ off me but it’s the opposite. i want to do everything for her and because i haven’t been for the past two days i feel like the worst mum ever and my MIL has loved taking over. why have i let this happen!

any advice on what to do if i can do much anyway?

also my SIL takes videos of her when MIL changing her nappy and while my baby is crying.

Is there a cultural element going on here?

Sounds like you need to set boundaries, what's your husband said?

Have you tried going for walks, just you and your baby?

Ideally you need to move out but if you can’t afford to you need to get your other half to have a word with his parents and tell them to back off and if they’re needed you will ask for the help. They might be meaning to help but it’s suffocating and you need to be the one caring for your baby.

Some other things that may help;

-breastfeed as long as possible - aswell as it being the best health wise, it builds a strong bond between you and your baby that no one else has, your mil can’t take over here! The breastfeeding gets easier the longer you go on.

-build a routine into your day with your baby so you do everything for her before they have chance, this includes bathing at a set time so it’s you doing it, also you could build in going for a walk or getting out to see friends / family away from them into your day, being stuck with them all day must be exhausting, fresh air is good for u and your baby.

— go to some mum and baby groups, find out what’s on in your area and try and attend a couple to meet other new mums so you can hang out with them and your babies outside of the groups too and won’t be in the house as much. There are usually some affordable ones about. If you have a library near you the majority run free baby bounce and rhyme sessions.

Lastly try and start saving up to move out and ring your local citizens advice bureau and see if your entitled to anything to help get you out of your mils.

Sounds like a living hell x

You need to set some boundaries asap, also your husband needs to have a chat with them. This sounds like a culture thing?

YOU NEED TO START SAYING NO!
"Give me MY baby back NOW", "Stop changing MY baby", "Get out of OUR room we are changing/feeding/napping/bathing" etc Boundaries are crucial at this point. They take baby off you, you get up and take baby off them straight away. You don't let things slide, you speak your mind as things happen. They don't need alone time with your child. It's inappropriate to take videos of them changing the baby.
No this isn't normal. Applying pressure to you to bottle feed is so they can spend more time with the baby without you.

No offence but where is you DH when this is happening? Sounds like he should have your back a lot more...

You need a sling. Keep your baby literally close to you. Tell mil you are doing some bonding now as you feel you aren't getting enough time with your dc. Go for walks. Get a rubber door stop and jam it under your bedroom door. And get looking for a new house.

Firstly, no this is not normal. I had never heard the term 'enmeshment' before Mumsnet, but I believe this is what is happening here. This does not sound like a healthy environment for you to be in, where there are no clear boundaries and you're not being allowed to bond with your own baby.

The best solution would be for you to move out, but I understand this isn't financially viable. Is there anything that can be done to speed this along? In the meantime you need to find ways to physically remove yourself from the house. Go on daily walks with your baby, head to the local library, find some baby classes and build a network of other mums.

I've read your other threads and I wonder where your partner is in all this. You've said he's supportive, but this has been going on for quite some time and it's not clear what he is doing to enforce boundaries and let you parent. He needs to step up massively IMO.

Your in-laws are massively interfering and it’s obviously really affecting your first weeks of motherhood. You need to keep saying no, but your partner also needs to back you up immediately. I can’t believe this is still going on after reading your previous threads too. Maybe it’s time to give your partner an ultimatum. Can you move out alone with your baby, for example going to your parents house or a friends?

This may not be the most popular opinion but you need to be the change. You're annoyed at your mother in law but it really doesn't sound like you're being firm or were from the get go. Get your husband to have a word, and from now on bathe them baby yourself whenever you want and tell your mother in law to back off. At night ignore them or send husband out to say go away.

Totally agree with most of these comments, the quicker you put your foot down the better. I was too easy going and let things like this happen and they REALLY bothered me. They are the one negative thing that stick out to me from that time now. I so wish I had just told people NO! You’re the mum, everything is your choice

Absolutely not normal and I agree you need to be more firm with boundaries. Your husband also needs to stick up for you and have words with his family. I would also get him to put a lock on the inside of the door that can't be opened from the outside, like the ones you get on a bathroom door x

My mother in law is already full of opinions and I'm only 19 weeks pregnant. Reading this has made me wonder if she will be the same!

This would piss me right off. I'm sorry I haven't got any advice. Just here to hand hold OP ❤️

No not normal. I do wonder about these mother in laws (the overbearing weird ones who want to constantly feed babies). I wonder if they would be the same with their own daughters babies or whether this is some weird psychological thing about imprinting oneself as a mother figure on a baby, an alternate mum out of some sort of resentment of the actual mum because mum is not biologically related.

sling is a good idea and pointing out that babies need a lot of close contact with their parents.

Is it worth talking to a health visitor about how things are going and they might be able to do a home visit when MIL is hovering around and firmly redirect them and emphasise the importance of you getting help on your terms otherwise you might risk PND. I find health visitors can sometimes be fairly firm.

This is a very good idea.

Some parents are like this. It’s a control thing. I think when peoples own parents are like this, they are so used to it they don’t even notice the behaviour or they’re too afraid to challenge it. You’re more likely to spot it in your in laws but I’d say it’s as common in parents.
My parents would have been like this if I let them. I had to put my foot down with them and be very firm.
And I avoided them… but obviously I could do this because I wasn’t living with them.
OP, I think you will have to reach deep within yourself and find the strength to stand your ground. It’s going to be hard with the SIL backing them up. Have you spoken to dh? What does he say about it?

Stop the bottle feeding.
Make up an excuse that it makes her too windy and unsettled.
Breastfeeding gets easier- I fed till 2 for similar reasons so they couldn’t take my child over night.

Also you will probably need to physically be more assertive and then back it up with short sentences.

eg my mil would lean past me through an open door to ‘help’ do up a car seat. My mum said I should keep my hands there and see what she did. She did nothing and continued pushing myself out the way. It was only on child 3 I realised I had to physically stay put and also say ‘move please MIL’ or ‘let go please’ that I got anywhere.

Oh my mil’s daughter had a baby at the same time. She was nothing like this with hers, only mine.

She was appeased with extra alone time/duties/trips out etc either. Nothing satisfied her so don’t imagine you can meet in the middle.
I agree breast fed (and I would drop the bottle), groups, use a sling.

I wouldn’t tell her which groups specifically- in fact if lie- as she will probably try to show up.

Baby massage is lovely.
From 2-3 months baby swimming too.
Then maybe see what your children’s centre has on. My mood was much better out of the house.

Agree @LadybirdsAreNeverHappy. I think it's just some people are control freaks and like being centre of everything. Doesn't matter their kid or daughter in law, they just make the grandkids all about them. I love grandparents that are hands on and really want to be a part of their grandkids lives. I think it's beautiful but this sort of behaviour is not that. It's undermining and dismissive as well as way way way over the line.

You need a door wedge or a bolt.

Also to state very clearly that if you need help, you will ask for it. Put your baby in a sling and carry with you, so they can't intervene. Learn to say NO sharply.

And you need to move out and get your own space as soon as possible.

Baby wearing. Also think of some short sentences, and practice saying them. "I will handle this, thank you." "Baby and I would like some space now." "Please leave us alone now, I will handle this." Delivery should be cheerful but very firm. If MIL fusses, simply repeat yourself. Do not argue or explain or justify. "I am his mother. I will handle this." And add a door wedge.

What is normal practice in some families, isn’t normal in others.

It’s not ‘normal’ to refuse to take no for an answer as you MIL is doing.

Perhaps you and your husband need to have a conversation with her.